you can’t wrap your legs around a memory

everything is so easy so hard

something twee pop is afoot

day after the fa1th ep release at relax spent loading monitors and returning drum parts to the curious crevices from which they came

Oh whatever. Too many suicide plots. Taking at least six photos of a. playing mandolin sitting on her car. Consorting with the enemy. Not my enemy. My mom told me it seems like I’m always playing defense and she’s right. One of the ways she’s not me, no matter how much she might look like it from a 130 degree angle. The next day HR did something so thoughtless my first thought was how will I ever trust you and fuck we need to move the show. But I was with - and they said no, that’s the whole point of this. we’re taking out Inland Marine Insurance. Sometimes you need to stand up for something. […] I have imagined attending both of their funerals with the other. […] I told a. I kept having dreams about her when she was younger but she didn’t ask anything about it. I’m not sure what I would have said. I wish I knew what you were like before you wouldn’t listen to New Order. I wish I knew what you were like when you loved each other. I wonder what you would’ve thought of me. In one of the dreams I had to tell you what happened and you broke my heart insisting it never would. Texting drummers for breakables. I didn’t even watch the set.

to be clear the "she" mentioned here is not the woman I was writing about last post, Internet.

I want to talk to her about it I can stop feeling like I need to talk to her about it, and being so tense and weird and sad around her. I know she already knows. I think it will be easier to be her friend and just be happy when I see her without any misplaced hope at the back of my mind. I’m not sure if it’s better to live without hope. I feel bad for wanting her to care about me so much. I’m also worried I’m doing what L used to do, doing shit for someone I love so they’ll love me in exactly the way I want and feeling betrayed when they don’t. after everything I’ve done. I don’t think I am, but maybe I’m just telling myself that because I think it’s wrong. I just want to do what I can to take care of her. I never want her to do anything because she feels like she owes me. The day that we walked around the LES and talked and were nice to each other made me so happy, I felt totally in love with her but it was really ok. How could I want anything else

laying down at the up-sloped edge of the roof just listening to bands at the front and looking at one of the few stars visible, feeling grateful to live on the planet with music, and my presence felt righteous because even though I didn’t know a ton of people there I knew the people making it happen. texting a friend about her new guitar. it’s a song about love. is that too radical for you fucks. I had a funny conversation about culottes in the kitchen with a girl with her hair in four braids, and she said hi to me passing on the stairs. rode on the back of ash’s motorcycle for the first time which was both less precarious and more responsibility than I imagined like standing between subway cars. bad and stupid argument on the way back to queens that felt worse because of how happy I’d been: lo and behold off their meds

lynn’s 30th birthday party and then a bunch of stuff happened but importantly I was pretty drunk doing a piece on scaffolding in new asshole polo shirt and shorts with BAD BOY belt and my boots that are pretty much falling apart and for the caption I used lyrics from someone’s song (which I never do) and then the next morning I watched her story and she was singing it in her car with sweat running down her neck at the same time I was writing it on a wall in brooklyn

mover and a shaker

went over to HR’s house at 10 am, wrote a bunch of songs all day and got to play them same night at a taser fight

transporting precious personal effects (2 grand, a pinecone from my ex’s favorite tree) by hand during the move to queens

practish

me breaking down outside Relax after seeing someone I miss all the time twice in two days / some bullshit in my friend’s “living room”