The Sad Truth

My sister handed me a purse. Not just any purse but a purse from you. You left all those years ago and all you have to give is a purse? I don’t need a purse. I needed you to be there when I needed you the most. A purse wasn’t there to cure those nights I cried myself to sleep. A purse wasn’t there when I walked across the stage at graduation. A purse wasn’t there through all those times I needed my dad. I don’t care about getting a gift. I’m not even mad at you anymore. I just don’t want you in my life. I have forgiven you because I don’t want to waste more time of my life being so mad with you but a purse won’t let me forget.

Letting go is so hard for me. You were there during the hardest parts of my life. You made me feel like I never had to hide who I was. I could tell you anything. We talked for years all day and it’s hard to just forget. You helped me through so much that it’s hard to let go. I would of been with you if you let it happen. You just never did. I truly wish that years later you would regret your decision. Tell me that you messed up and felt the same way but deep down I know that’s not true. I wish it was easy. I wish you just left and wouldn’t answer if I called . I wish I never had to feel like this. I’m not sure if I can ever just let you go

I miss my friend. I get that we grow up and can’t see each other much anymore but I miss how you were my ride or die. I miss how we would make adventures out of everyday. I miss having you be my person. The person I could tell anything and everything to. The person that helped me find who I am. What I want and who I want to be. You were such a huge part of my life . Day and night we confined in each other and had a friendship I would die for again. I miss knowing that if anything happened that it was okay because you were still my friend and there for me but it’s not like that anymore. We barley talk. There was a time we saw each other everyday and now nothing. I miss you because I feel like I’m loosing myself and your not hear to help me find me again. I wish I had my friend back. I miss her.

I am scared that one day I will be with someone for many years and let them into my life and love them with everything I got and that one day they will stop loving me. They will leave when I’m older and make me feel so alone . I would be use to the comfort of being with you untill you don’t enjoy that comfort. Being alone and dying . That’s what I am most afraid of.

It has been a while since I have written on here. Lately I haven't been wanting to really talk about what has been happening to me. When I talk about it.... it start to hurt more. I still feel alone. I talk to even less people then I did before. I really don’t have anyone besides myself. It sucks. That is the reality of it all. I am not sure what to even do anymore. I use to go on walks to make me feel better but lately I can’t even get myself to go somewhere. It’s not like it will change anything if I go on a walk. I will still be walking alone. I do not know what I do to make people not want to be with me. I do not know what is wrong with me? If I knew then maybe I can fix me but I am stuck with the unknown. I do know one thing though...… I am only wanted when they want me in their bed. It crushes me every time I go. I go because even though I am getting used...…There is somewhere there. Even if it is only for the night. I am wanted for that little bit of time. It is better than being alone, right?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I died .

I miss me. For a little while, I felt like I was me again and I was fucking happy to be me but it was just a little crack that shined through while I kept digging myself deeper. I was confident and did not need someone to make me happy but myself. Why is it that I feel like I need someone with me to make me happy. I will always have myself and yet that is not enough. But will it ever be is the question. 

I have fucked up by pushing people away. I push someone I care about away because I feel like they do not deserve me and a month later I am sitting alone in my room only want him. Time has passed and he wants nothing to do with me and I want everything to do with him. I can not be mad that he wants nothing to do with me because I am the one that pushed him away, to begin with, and left. I have no right to want you but I do and wish he felt the same as we did once before. The nights that turned into days and we talked about all the music we loved or when we would binge-watch movie series together. I do not know if he knows how much I truly miss that but I wish he did. 

I was happy at moments in life. I look through old photos and wonder what happened? What made that smile go away? How did time change everything? It's hard to be in the moment when there is nothing to make you happy at that moment. There is a whole big world in front of me but all I see is a blur. Nothing great to focus on. The past had a lot to offer and I just ran past it. Time changes everything and not for the best. What is yet to come?

3...2...1! The clock strikes midnight and the decade has ended, but I have not. Through this decade I have been the same me... hurt. The decade started when my father left my family and ever since that time, I haven’t been me. I have been depressed and unable to find what makes me happy. I have gotten hurt and left many times that it does not faze me anymore. I am numb and just expect it to happen over and over again. Even though it is a new decade, I do not believe I will change. The time keeps pushing forward but I am still that little girl in 2010 that is scared of getting hurt and unable to find me again. How does one come back to reality and find themselves? That has been my new years revolution for years now.......to find me. What I want in life and what makes me not ordinary. Will I find the answers I have been searching for 10 years? Only time will tell.

People are supposed to have someone to talk to. Someone that you can tell who you really are to... but what if you don't have anyone? I know I have my family but I can not tell them everything and I want my friend back. I want my friend that use to see the good in me. She sees nothing. Not a light but darkness. No trust means you have nothing. She has new friends and doesn’t need me anymore. She uses the things that have happened to me as a excuse. I went a away to school and when I left, so did you. I’m alone and have no friends in this town. No one to talk too. No one to tell me everything will be okay. It sucks. She moved on and I’m stuck behind. I just wish you stayed. I wish I wasn't in the back all alone. I’m getting used to it though and that is the saddest part of it all. I want to break out but I feel stuck. 

You will and always will be replaceable. Someone could be your someone for so long but that does not mean that you are theirs. That is the scariest thing for me. One day you can be left alone and someone could walk in and take your spot. I'm not perfect and I will NEVER be. Someone out there has something I don’t. People will want more and I cant give. I am insecure and feel like I will always be. I can’t see past what has happened to me. That deep down no one cares and that in the end I will be hurt. It makes me not trust and makes me feel like I am never good enough. That I am just a pawn in a game. I truly don’t know how to see this clearly. How to see the silver lining of things. How to be just happy about me.

The Forgotten 

Why is that when one bad thing happens that more just follow with it. The rain turns into a storm. A storm that does not seem to stop. For the past two weeks its been storming in life. First was money, then single, and finally alone with no friends. The truth finally came out and I’m the one sitting here soaking in the mess that I’ve made. My “best friend” never truly trusted me because of my past, my money keeps disappearing because of bills and I’m just alone. They say that when it storms that there will be a rainbow to show for it... but I don’t see a light at the end of the storm. All I see is a storm.