Disenchanted

How could find love when you don't even love yourself?

How could you beg someone to respect you when you don't even know your worth?

How could you tell someone to take you seriously when in fact you are just looking for fun?

How could you ask for a long-term relationship from someone when you can get bored so easily?

And how could you demand a committed and serious relationship from someone when you take advantage of their weakness and leave them hanging?

How could you?

You are really out of your mind!

Let me start with my insecurities and finish it with yet again, my gaddamn insecurities:

Have you ever loved someone so much that you can't forget all the memories you shared with that person? (I wanna know because I want to believe that I'm the only one you have loved this much)

Have you ever fought for someone you loved before? (I bet not because if you did, you wouldn't be in a relationship with me right now. And all the fights that we have been through, we won those battles)

Have you ever felt the regret of being in a relationship with me? ( I know I do disappoint you so many times but I still make you happy, right?)

Have you ever became unfaithful to me? (I do trust you a lot, please don't disappoint me)

Have you ever cheated on me? (Because I will never ever cheat on you! Please say NO I have never and will never!)

Have you flirted with other girls behind my back? (I don't wanna know but I have to know even if it will hurt my feelings)

Have you ever complimented someone saying you are gorgeous or you're actually beautiful? (I don't want you to find other girls prettier than me. I hope I'm the only girl you find attractive and nobody else)

Have you ever thought I would ask you these type of questions even though I do trust you so much? Yes! Because my insecurities are eating me alive. You do make me feel secure but happy thoughts are sometimes becoming negative ones. The only cure is you - your words, your hugs and kisses, that would be enough! No no, you don't have to remind me that you love me every single day, I do know that, it's just ... girls do get emotional for no apparent reason, please just hear me out, be patient and bear with me.

I'm sorry, I can't control my emotions sometimes, especially when it comes to you I'm at my weakest point. You're my source of strength but at the same time, my greatest weakness.

“Having certain standards and being selective are paramount because some people tend to forget their self-worth, that is why they were taken for granted. If the relationship makes you unhappy, leave. It is easy to say and easy to do if you know your value; if you acknowledge self-respect and your dignity.”

The above statement was on my draft for a very long time and I have no idea what I felt at that time when I was writing it because whenever I felt the need to put my feelings into writing, I would just type it and put it as a draft. I didn’t wanna publish it right away without re-reading again and again and AGAIN my work. So, reading it now probably I’d say it kinda provoked me because I’ve been in a serious relationship for a year now and it actually changed a lot of my perspective about relationship.

I also did some back reading on my post a year ago and I think I was a bit tough young lady who had a very strict approach about love. It was really my personality and that was me, right?. Every year, you grow! You learn more and become more confident because of the challenges you face and the people who you surround yourself with.

Main point is, is that easy to leave someone you love if the relationship is becoming toxic and not it used to be? If it makes us unhappy, we’d just leave them just like that because we know our value?

The OLD ME would say “HELL YEAH! You’re fuvkng young and you don’t have to waste your gaddamn time to that temporary person who’s just wasting your precious time”

And I will absolutely agree with my old me because that’s logical. But the NEW ME would argue that, how about let’s just consider the pros and cons of being in a relationship with that person? How about we evaluate the good and the bad? How about we set aside our own value (because I guess we all know our self-worth) and ask ourselves if that person actually brought value to your life?  How about that? 

Being in a relationship is not just for “fun” nor just for the “benefits”. It takes maturity, consistency, compromising, nurturing, and commitment in order for it to work.

I salute people who still manage to be in a relationship with full commitment and trying to balance work and love life or study plus your partner. It takes great responsibility to make sure you are investing your time accordingly.

There were times that you would just block all the voices.

So much noise that would fight over your attention.

So many distractions ready to destroy you

Too much thoughts

Scattered words

Overwhelming ideas

Confusing art

Just pick up the pieces

Make this blog more creative

Comment down your thoughts

I'm willing to listen/read yours ...

Cheers to my first nonsense (walang kwentang) post for tonight! Achievement!

That was Summer when I first met you. The Summer was about to end, my vacation was about to end and I had to go back to work again.

It was Summer last year. I met a stranger. YOU! You were the stranger I never thought would be so special to me, a stranger that I never thought would be an important person in my life right now, a stranger who completes the missing piece that I've been looking for and becomes the biggest part of me.

Last Summer, end of Summer where the heat turned to a cold breeze. The winter was slowly creeping in. Winter was coming (Game of Thrones reference!) And that Summer night I suddenly felt cold because we were surrounded by the sea. Like I said, I live by the sea. You hugged me so tight from behind without even giving me a sign, a hint that you were about to make a valiant move.

Summer has finally ended! Winter has finally came but I got so confused because I was supposed to freeze but you turned cold into heat; you brought sunlight in the darkness of winter; dark clouds turned daylight; the sun made its way again and brought sunrays; I felt hot during wintertime; sweating all over in the cold cold night. What have you done? You! My beloved stranger, what have you done to me?

You thawed my ice cold heart and made it yours.

The Summer has ended or it has just begun?