One Step at a Time

Hello to those reading.

This blog will be for talking about my journey to a life being lived in. I suffer from CPTSD, the whole kit. I fought for a long... and aggravating time to be alive today. I will elaborate on certain things in posts and entries to this journal of mine.

My goal here is to help myself remember how far things have come. How much I have developed as a person despite my mistakes and isolation and inability to understand others. I have fucked up.. so often. I kept pushing forward. And I hope that in my own reassurance, maybe others can find solace.

Love yourself and be kind. For kindness is all we have in learning to understand ourselves.

- 🎶🌧

Picking up guitar finally! Have wanted to play since I was young but was never given the opportunity to. I am so very excited and even got it in my favorite color! One of them at least.

I never thought I'd see the moment where I can take a selfie and be so genuinely happy. The fact that I made it this far and am able to start learning more about music is something kid me would be amazed by.

They'd be happy.

This sentence always pisses me off. Every time I heard it I'd roll my eyes and reiterate that I understood that. More than most do. Those words are written in my soul, etched into every fiber of my being. Those words define every scar and cut I've suffered. I was tortured for the first fifteen years of my life. I'd say "it wasn't that bad" or "what's important is that it's over." Lying to myself and others. I couldn't escape the fact my father was a monster who violated every part of me. My mother wanted me to be "a normal teenager" after all that shit. She wanted me to look at fifteen years of her narcisstic neglect of me and fifteen years of being assaulted and abused by him, and just say "I'm fine." Didn't even get me a THERAPIST. She got me a counselor. I did not get serious pyschotherapy until four years later. I fought for these past seven years to try and be something more than that pain. And I'm starting to have it now. I have my hobbies and my ideas... and nobody asks me about them. They will then have the AUDACTIY to call me dry and boring. When what I am is trying to communicate with what feels like an alien language. All the while dissociating and depersonalizing. I just... wanna be okay. I wanna help people be okay. I just wish people understood. I just wanna be loved in a way the kid I was never got to be.

If you are a person to say "the world is unfair," I want you to remember: the world told us itself. Don't remind us.

I hope you readers all have a lovely rest of your day. Get rest, eat well. I'm gonna order some comfort food that I can't afford and try and watch something new.

You're loved. Always.