Britt: How are you holding up? Are you falling asleep haha
Muto: Mmm...Not right now. Sorry, i'm just feelin kinda dark.
Muto: ...Yeah. Sorry. I don't know how to explain. Sometimes I feel like Kies is too like...Bright for me. Idk that sounds dumb but.
Britt: Like more pure or something?
Muto: Yeah. Mostly I can be in the brightness and it feels really nice and stuff but. Sometimes it hurts cuz i'm not really bright.
Britt: Aww Muto, baby. Why do you say that?
Muto: I just feel it fff I don't know.
Britt: I don't think thats true. You may not be bright in the way that she is but I know you have your own brightness, Muto.
Muto: Fuck...I just. I don't know. Some part of me yeah.
Britt: I know you're not all bad too.
Muto: Yeah, i'm not...I can feel that at least. But it doesn't change shit. I don't think anything will. I just get heavier than her and it sucks to wait it out.
Britt: Wait for her to join you or something?
Muto: No, no dude fuck I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Eventually it'll go away.
Britt: Oh I see. I think it will go away in time. Or you just have to be willing to accept it as a part of you.
Muto: Maybe...But I hate it. God do I hate it. And I don't understand why. I do so much right and still it's like an ache.
Britt: I'm sorry...It sucks to see you suffering with it. Have you ever told Kiesa?
Muto: Mmm...Not recently. It hasn't been an issue for awhile. I mean just, I shouldn't have told you some of that shit.
Britt: But you need to get it out.
Britt: I'm glad you told me though
Muto: I'm glad you don't mind...But still it's so bad to talk about like one of those fuckin emo blogs "my guuuuuurllfriend is an angel so bright pure my heart is bleed with darknessssss" idk I just. Goddammit.
Britt: Don't let anyone's opinions get in the way of you expressing yourself
Muto: Yeah I....I just don't know where to express it.
Britt: Like where to begin?
Britt: Well you know I'm always here for you.
Muto: I know...I appreciate it but, idk. You say you know like everything about me. How can you still be here.
Britt: Because I care about you a lot.
Muto: I don't understand.
Muto: I just. I feel like you still don't really know me.
Britt: Will you allow me to get to know you?
Muto: Probably not. Even everytime I let Kies in a little she cries. And even she doesn't always know me.
Muto: It's really painful for a bright heart to touch a dark one sometimes. And I know most of the time it's not like that, but I....I don't know. It's all energy so it's really weird to talk about...
Britt: I see. I'm sorry i'm not much help.
Muto: It's ok. I know you're trying. I just feel bad. For Kies, too. Even when she wants to be with me and like. Idk. Yesterday is a fair example, like fuck. I don't even wanna have sex or touch her I just kinda shy off sometimes. And no matter what it hurts her probably. S'not like she doesn't know when I have little things like this. Fuck, it'll probably even pass soon and become irrelevant but whole you're in it, it sucks. It's just like your heart hurts all the time. Like you're in a little contagious bubble of negativity. Just. Sucks. I wanna be normal again cuz all this is so FUCKING POINTLESS.
Britt: I see. Gosh that's so terrible.
Britt: I just. I wish I could just be there and make it go away as soon as possible.
Muto: Me too. It'll pass...It always does. And Kies will remind me i'm here. But until then I just. I hurt you too, right. It's painful.
Britt: It is painful. It's just hard seeing you this way and not having the answers or the right ways to fix it easily. It hurts because you hurt.
Muto: I'm sorry. I just wish I felt more positive. Talk and make love and stuff without it like. Hurting. I'd rather you not even have the answers honestly. That's ugly of me too. I reject what could help me and make it hurt, deep down I want to be in it. Isn't that sick too. Jesus fuck.
Britt: Is it like self punishment?
Muto: I don't know. Maybe.
Britt: There's a lot of unexplainable things huh.
Britt: I just...I love you Muto. Okay? No matter what. I don't care if you're beyond fucked up. I love you and i'll continue to love you.
Britt: You're a wonderful person. You mean a lot to a lot of people, you know?
Muto: Yeah...I know. I really do. But jesus. Thats kinda scary too.
Muto: Cuz...They care and it hurts them when it hurts me. And they rely on me for things. Like givin the D.
Britt: Giving the D. //laughes a little
Muto: Hehe. Little joke. But stuff like expectations and pressure starts and I feel guilty. It's better than being alone, 'course...But...Sorry I'm just. I worry about Kies so much. I love her so much and I hate when I feel like I can't handle her love.
Britt: Yeah, I know what you mean. And I know she loves you just as much, Muto.
Muto: I know, but...It hurts that she loves me when it's like this. Because I want to be there. And be normal and I just feel like i'm fucking her up. Even when she says i'm not it's a feeling I can't shake.
Britt: Fucking her up how?
Muto: Like...I don't know. I...It's like. It's like how Fantine makes me cry.
