#originstory

Uncharted Waters - Chapter 10: Seeking A Cure (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1635588148-uncharted-waters-chapter-10-seeking-a-cure?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=Baldbobross   

I know my splitting up of parts here is a bit sloppy and random, so if you’re looking for a more neatly divided format, I’ve organized the parts into chapters on Wattpad. In the future, I’ll try to be more organized, but I sometimes get anxious about posting updates, so I post them a little too soon 😅 

#Originstory 1

This will not be comprehensive or complete, there is too much waffle for anyone to be bothered reading .

I also have to rely on my memory, this may be inaccurate and distorted as I have gone through the years.

I think I have always been a deviant, from as soon as I have memories of it and discovered the thing between my legs gave me pleasure I have been pumping it.

So easy now, to find anything you like online, on my own as a young boy naive and "innocent" I didn't understand the many categories, labels and boxes that seem to define the kink space now.

I just really enjoyed masturbation, I think from 12 I was pumping multiple times a day.

It became normal to me, I am sure I have a memory of making myself cum 8 times in one day.

There are some very formative events on a scout camp, looking back now.

The full memory is distorted so I cannot remember how it started , I am pretty sure it wasnt my idea but ..

We played strip poker, and I was losing, I ended up naked , 2 out of the 6 of us were naked .

I was fully erect, with the humiliation and they were laughing and joking about me which I found distressing at the time, I was 14, no one likes getting bullied ..

Except maybe I did ?.

We played multiple games of stip poker, I didn't always get erect when naked in front of the other boys but those feelings of self consciousness and humiliation were so strong, looking back now, I guess every one would have those feelings.

But not every one would be aroused by them.

I masturbated to the emotions of those gsmes for months alone in my room afterwards, fantasies of all kinds rushing through my head.

But back then I was definitely very confused with a mountain of denial about it .

There are so many things that now, I look back were the building blocks for my current situation.

I feel I should not rush though it, just for my own sake in writing this down especially the early stuff.

it's weird that you can carry a memory and an experience through your life but not realise at the time, but even years after what the impact was .

The next very formative event occurred in the same year before I was 15. It's hard to imagine this being a real thing nowadays.

Before the internet, porn was in magazines and videos you had to buy .

One of my good friends at the time found a porn mag thrown away in some bushes, we looked through it and some of the pages were stuck together.

We laughed that it was cum, my memory here doesn't allow me to find who's idea it was, I genuinely can't get to it but we mastubated together over the pages.

I honestly don't know now if It was my idea or not but I remember wanting to see his cock and how I compared (I was smaller) .

We both ejaculated over the magazine and threw it back in the bush.

I couldn't get it out of my head and went back for it a few days later. I am not sure if I would have but I wanted to lick it, again not sure where that desire originated but it did.

It wasn't there , but from that day I started eating my own cum after I masturbated.

(This become so normal to me that years later when CEI (cum eating instructions) were all over the place I didn't get it 🤣 . So normal to me was it to eat my cum )

So those things happened. .

Then I got a girlfriend.

Obviously that was excellent but for this story not relevant other than I discovered oral sex, and that I on average I would cum pretty quickly during sex.

This would be a reoccurring "issue" with all my relationships with women, I think it's probably down to excessive masturbation but it's been a constant in my sex life so maybe not, I don't really know.

From the age of 15 - 20 I would say I was extremely vanilla I had various girlfriends on and off.

My previous experiences seemingly forgotten, I lusted over women and girls.

I then had a particularlly brutal break up with a girlfriend which blindsided me completely, she had been fucking one of my best friends, and she took great delight in telling me how utterly useless a fuck I was and that on numerous occasions, I had had sloppy seconds and with my preferences of going down on her had almost certainly eaten his cum from her .

Now then .

At the time this was utterly devastating to me on every measure I took it badly, very badly.

Not only had she devastatingly took apart my sexual competency, my friend also hugely fucked me over.

I was heartbroken and retreated to masturbation and weed.

This is where it gets complicated because I'm the midst of my funk and working out the timelines to check if she was being a bitch or trutful .

Things slotted into place that I had indeed certainly fucked and eaten her pussy after he had been there first .

On multiple occasions.

It went unnoticed to me because I would go down on her after I had cum inside, this act seemed not unusual to me, I would usually cum pretty quickly so going down on her was to make sure I made her cum, the fact my cum was there was irrelevant to me so used to eating my own cum as I was .

She had thought it weird as fuck at the time, she took delight in telling me at the breakup.

I had been a cuckold, unknown at the time but now alone and masturbating it made me so horny , my porn habits went in this direction and its not a small leap in my mind from eating your own cum to wanting to try other cum.

This is where another contradictory thing occurs and is still true now. I don't find men attractive , at all .

But I became fixated on sucking a cock .

I didn't have a girlfriend any more and she had made it clear I was useless.

Cuckold porn had shown I could be sexually active without needing to perform .

I love giving oral sex to women .. what's the difference?!

Long story short it took 2 years to stop masturbating about it and actually set it up .

I have to admit to being a no show on 3 occasions, having orgasmed at the set up and got cold feet ( 3 times ! I am so fuxking sorry to those guys )

The first guy I actually arrived to meet was a no show , I waited in the woods and he didn't show .

Karma is Inescapable.

3 months later I tried again .

And unknown to me then it would profoundly change my life .

I met Stephen.

I was 22 he was 38 .

We met on a website called plenty of fish , we had chatted for maybe 4 weeks . By this point I was resolved to getting it done so I could move on (ha if only i knew)

Anyway he had explained to me he was married and discretion was imperative. He enjoyed the power exchange of having unreciprocated sex acts with men . I was honest (always a winner) and said it was my first time, I was interested in sucking a cock and I was quite happy playing with myself.

Unreciprocated sex ... The only hint looking back now at a Dom/sub dynamic, I had not payed much attention to it , so wrapped up in my own desires for the situation.

He was very attracted to my nervousness and that he would be my first.

Anyway .

We met in a car park I was extremely flustered and nervous, he was cool calm and collected, with an easy manner lead me to the woods and once we were private .

Calmly and politely took control and guided me through sucking his cock .

It's funny I didn't realise at the time how easily I just followed exactly what he said and wanted, but I just did .

I lowered my trousers and took off my t-shirt and knelt down Infront of him, naked exposed and feeling the exhilaration of something long fantasised over about to happen.

Adrenaline absolutly pounding through me so incredibly aroused. Kneeling Infront of him I started jerking myself.

He watched me for a minute or so then opened his trousers and lowered them to his knees, he put his hands on my shoulders and I took his cock in my hands and played with it, jerking him and myself.

I stroked myself and his cock and then moved my head to his cock and took his cock in my mouth.

Another rush of adrenaline and excitement

I don't know what I expected but with his cock in my mouth, tongue rolling around it and sucking on it , I was very very self conscious of not doing it right .

He mostly left me to discover my own way around sucking ,but if I did something he liked he said "good boy"

He was rock hard , and I tasted precum, I ejaculated, shaking, soon after I felt his orgasm and his cum flooded my mouth , it felt incredible to feel it twitch and spray in my mouth. Salty and creamy. I was obviously used to the taste of my own , his was very different.

But more than that, his orgasm was undeniable.

I had made him cum, without any doubt.

Almost instantly I was overwhelmed, delight , fear, shame , regret.

My post orgasm clarity sending mixed signals .

He thanked me , and said I was pretty good for a first timer , I felt proud .

He pulled his trousers up and left me there.

Mission accomplished I was absolutely thrilled and devastated it's hard now looking back to explain the joy and trauma of that night.

A significant development had occurred, I was a cocksucker. I felt used , as much as I had got exactly what I wanted.

I had loved it but I wasn't gay, I didn't fancy men or find them attractive. I was extremely confused.

I went home and brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash over and over again , consumed with regret and shame.

Fantasy had become real . I think I knew then it was significant but it's hard to explain the real complexity of my emotions and feelings back then.

I did what stupid faggots do .

I denied , I denied and I denied and tried to run away from it.

But in classic contradictory fashion I used all those complex emotions of humiliation, shame, excitement and delight of being a cock sucker.

To masturbate myself relentlessly.

I have to admit to being very selfish in all my early interactions with men, online.

It's a miracle Stephen put up with me in that first year.

I blanked him cleanly, ignoring all his messages for 3 months .

Over that time, the desire to refresh my memoriee and feelings for my own pleasure grew into me groveling back to Stephen to meet me again.

End for now

I will do another post otherwise this will get too long

#originstory

Before there were generations… there was a choice. Earth and Sixam, bound by sacrifice, ambition, and a mother’s love. ✨ This is where the legacy begins.

[Caption] : Before there were generations, before there was a legacy... there was a choice.

[Caption]: Two worlds spun in fragile balance... Sixam: luminous, merciless, ruled by intellect and power. Earth: burdened by bloodlines, politics, and fragile hope.

[Caption]: Minerva René Berry knew both worlds could not coexist without sacrifice. Her daughter, Mynta, carried a gift - and a curse - perfected by alien design and human defiance.

[Caption]: Across the stars, empires hungered for control. Dynasties sharpened heirs into weapons. Ghosts lingered in mortal manors, binding the living to their past.

[Caption]: And in the quiet moments, a mother held her daughter close, praying the future would not devour her child. This is where the legacy begins – in sacrifice, in ambition, in love that defies worlds.

Well, 5 years as a PA-C really snuck up on me. I was at work on Tuesday and while checking my email, my hospital send one of those "Congrats on 5 years! Pick a cool thing from this random website!" To be perfectly frank, I was a little dumb struck.

In many ways, it just doesn't seem like that much time has passed. I work in such a fast paced, stimulating environment, constantly learning new things, that I didn't really FEEL the time. Well, at least the last 3 years. The first 2 were long and arduous.

Looking through my archives, I faithfully did reflections after the first and second years. Somehow skipped the others. Never too late to get back in it.

Lessons Learned

There are people that work in healthcare for a pay check. Let your frustration with that slide away.

Some people are just assholes. Don't overthink that. Again, let that shit go.

Some parts of medical education/residency are completely ridiculous, unfair, and unsafe. Try to change what you can (especially the unsafe).

Stand up for your boundaries. I was offered a chance to "move up" into management. I declined because I knew I would hate my job if I took on admin. Don't apologize for setting this boundary.

Cultivate relationships with your coworkers and hang out with them outside of work. This is so important for our critical care team. I believe it enhances our ability to work well together.

Use your vacation time.

Some families or patients will suck you dry. Prepare yourself for those interactions and have a plan to decompress what you absorb.

Always be excited to learn. Medicine is changing every day. Learning is a foundation of the profession.

The best decision I made was changing specialties. The second best decision I made was to turn down a management opportunity. You can challenge yourself in ways that do not result in more pay, more responsibility, or more stress. I am wanting to get my chest tube placement verification done this year. Would love to add paras to that. I want to expand the teaching I have done with my PA school and possibly guest lecture on other topics. There are a lot of things that advance a career that aren't management. For me, that is desirable.

#rescuedog #foreverhome #HappyEnding #OriginStory #dog #dogs

Anyone in the mood for a happy story?

My aunt was visiting last week. I took her on a short road trip to NW New Mexico. The last stop on the first day was the Bisti Badlands. We got there around 5 pm. At the turnoff there were a couple of dogs in the road. They needed water. One was a puppy. The older dog was skittish and ran away, trying to get the younger dog to follow, but the puppy was running in front of every car, trying to get people to stop. After giving her some water, we tried to get her to go after the older dog. Nope. She wanted in the car. Seemed like she had been dumped.

She looked like a dried leaf, a little sun dried raisin. Every bone was showing. The back haunches were weak and giving out. No muscle. Based on the puppy teeth, she is probably about 3 months old. I couldn't leave her there, so she joined the road trip. My aunt became bed, food & water lady.

Other than dehydration and starvation, she was in good shape. No wounds, clean ears, clear/alert eyes, clear sinuses, all systems working, etc. By the time we got back from our 3-day road trip, my aunt's vacation plans changed. The puppy, now named Bisti, found her human. She has a vet appointment coming up for a full check up and shots.

The bounce back over the last week has been amazing. Just add water and food. She gained 4 pounds in a week, with muscle, energy, and puppy enthusiasm coming back quickly. In a week, she learned her new name and got crate trained/leash trained. She's GREAT in a car. She sits, lays down, stays, has no interest in dashing, stays close when walking, good w/people & animals.

In most versions of the Sophia mythos the fall of the Goddess is intimately linked to the activity of another Aeon, Christos, also named for its flow-signature, "anointing power." In cosmic terms anointing is the capacity of an Aeon to morph from a porous, foamlike state into a fluidic, dewlike state. Foam is not dew, but imagine foam turning to dew. That is anointing in the Pleromic domain. The product of anointing, chrism, is the love sweat of the gods. In the ecstasy of their dancing the Aeons break into a fragrant sweat, a bright, dewy eruption. This is anointing at the cosmic level.

Astrophysicists now accept the presence of "molecular dew" in the galactic arms though not yet at the galactic core, and they are reticent to assume it can have biological properties. Theorists of steady-state plasma cosmology may be approaching a recognition of the foamlike, high-density, low-mass porosity of Aeonic currents. Plasma cosmology is currently the best alternative to the big bang fantasia. In Tantric and Gnostic cosmology alike there is far more foreplay than hard-core, orgasmic sex. This certainly applies to the orgiastic cavorting of the Aeons in the Pleroma.

The hieros gamos (sacred mating) of Sophia and Christos in the core region of our galaxy signals the opening event of the Sophia mythos. Between them they shape or configure the singularity offered by the Originator. The Greek word anthropos means "humanity," or more precisely, "the human template."  Anthropos is gender-neutral, distinct from the gender-specific words andros, "male" and gyne, "female." Anthropos is the Gnostic name for the cosmic matrix of the human species, the preterrestrial human genome. The Sophia mythos assumes a version of "directed panspermia," the theory introduced by Nobel Prize-winning Swedish chemist Svante Arrhenius around 1900 and accepted, in various forms, by astronomer Fred Hoyle, Nobel biologist Francis Crick (codiscoverer with James Watson of the structure of DNA), Lynn Margulis, and many other leading minds of our time.

Coming together to encode or configure the Anthropos, Sophia and Christos act in a manner consistent with cosmic law, "for it is the will of the Originator not to allow anything to happen in the Pleroma apart from a syzygy" (A Valentinian Exposition 36.25-30). Syzygy is an odd Greek word used by astronomers to denote the conjunction of celestial bodies. The Originator wills that all activity in the Pleroma be accomplished by paired Aeons, coupled gods, but this is not a rigid rule, and it is not enforced. In the case of the Sophia-Christos syzygy that encodes the Anthropos, the will of the Originator is observed. Once it has been configured by the ritual dance of the coupled Aeons, the singulariry is ready to be projected into manifestation in the cosmos at large.

What next occurs in the Pleroma is a collective act, the collaboration of all the Aeons, not just Sophia and Christos acting as a distinct pair. In episode 3, the entire company of Pleromic gods unites in a choral dance to project the encoded singularity into manifesration. They seed it in the outer cosmos, the galactic limbs turning like a vast carousel around the Pleromic hub. The singularity nests in a nebular cloud. Although the language here is mythic, or mythopoetic, the description can be read as applying to the inner dynamics of the Galaxy. The myth clearly suggests astrophysical processes yet unknown ro science, but perhaps beginning to be glimpsed in plasma physics, complexity theory, and the new vision of emergence.

Pleroma means "fullness," "plenum," "plenitude." The galactic vortices are all variations of a chalice form, a flattened torus with a central core (the galactic bulge) and a surrounding disc (the spiral arms). The hub of a galaxy, its Pleroma, is counterbalanced by the flat carousel structure, the spinning armature, called the Kenoma, "deficiency," "formless realm." The Pleroma is a fullness, infinite potential that outpours itself into the realm of "deficiency," finite potential. In the Pleroma all possibility is complete, all is fulfilled, evolved ro its fullest potential. Pleromic gods like Sophia can only give of themselves, selflessly, without affecting what they emanate or imposing themselves upon the conditions they set up in the Kenoma. The selfless outpouring of the Pleromic gods is a key theme of Sophianic cosmology. It is also the model of human generosity.

The Kenoma, the carousel armature of a galaxy, is the realm of chaos where finite, bounded potential develops. It is composed of dark elementary matter arrays (dema), atomic and subatomic fields, including organic elements, grains or spores of life. Suns are born in the galactic arms and planetary systems emerge there. On some of the planets organic life unfolds, but the origin of life cannot, it seems, be located on the planet where it arises. Nobel laureare Francis Crick, one of the discoverers of the structure of DNA, argues that, owing to its overwhelming complexity, life on Earth must have been seeded from elsewhere in the cosmos. Lynn Margulis, coauthor of the Gaia hypothesis, also accepts the possibility that microscopic life-forms (propagules) can migrate freely through interstellar space. The universe is a dusty place, and some of the dust is organic residue. That emergent life on planets in the carousel arms of a galaxy originates in the center of the galaxy, as described in episode 3, is not yet recognized by science. This theory will be unacceptable as long as scientists cannot imagine that the core of a galaxy is a vortex of superorganic forces, alive and aware, but this is the Gnostic vision of the Pleromas.

In Tantric cosmology, the composition of the Kenoma is called adrista, "residue." It is, as science tells us, stardust that remains from previous cycles of evolution, cycles without a beginning or end.

"Now the Eternity (which is absolute Truth) has no shadow outside it, for it is a limitless light where all is within and nothing is without. But at its exterior is shadow, which has been called darkness. From the darkness arises a force without form. This is the shadow realm of limitless chaos. From this realm, every kind of divine emanation emerges, including the world we inhabit, for whatever happens in chaos is previously implanted there by what produces it" (On the Origin of the World 98.20-30).

Here the language of the Mystery experience plays into the cosmological scenario. The galactic core is a spinning vortex of Organic Light, a radiant substance that might be compared to soft, luminous nougat. It casts no shadow. Darkness belongs to the exterior regions of the galactic mill wheel, the Kenoma. The residue of previous worlds is continually recycled and reprocessed in the massive armature of the spinning carousel. Whatever develops in the Kenoma was implanted there by Pleromic emanation-including humanity itself, or various strains of humanity, and other species.

A striking parallel to the stalk of light in the Gnostic narrative occurs in the Japanese myth of creation where paired sky gods, or Kami, project a "Jewel-Sky-Spear" from the cosmic center into the waters of primordial chaos.' The image of cosmic fertilization in the galactic limbs occurs in Egyptian mythology where the sky goddess Nut, curved into an oval, carries the constellations of the zodiac encoded on her body. Cosmic embryonic imagery occurs in almost all high-culture cosmologies and universally in indigenous or "primitive" lore.

The text called On the Origin of the World (NHC II, 5) describes the boundary of the Pleromic core, called menix, hymen, stauros, or horos. Remaining in the core, Aeons can emanate into the arms, the realm of formless chaos, but they do not pass over into those regions. The opalescent stalk of light projected by the collectivity of Aeons may be compared to a klieg light shining through the wall of a white canvas tent. The beam of light passes through the walls, but the source of the beam remains inside the tent. Gnostics texts explain that these two primary conditions, Aeonic pairing and bounded emanation, are set by the Originator. They are cosmic laws but they are not enforced, so exceptions are possible.