When Lena first brought up the idea of Lenny to me, I was excited. Excited to speak to Lena, who I think is a genius, and excited to start thinking about what to complain about (thatâs not what she pitched me, itâs just what Iâm gonna do). When it comes to the subject of feminism, Iâve remained ever-so-slightly quiet. I donât like joining conversations that feel like theyâre âtrending.â Iâm even the asshole who didnât do anything about the ice-bucket challenge â which was saving lives â because it started to feel more like a âtrendâ than a cause. I should have written a check, but I fucking forgot, okay? Iâm not perfect. But with a lot of talk comes change, so I want to be honest and open and, fingers crossed, not piss anyone off.
Itâs hard for me to speak about my experience as a working woman because I can safely say my problems arenât exactly relatable. When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with dicks, I didnât get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didnât want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I donât need. (I told you it wasnât relatable, donât hate me).
But if Iâm honest with myself, I would be lying if I didnât say there was an element of wanting to be liked that influenced my decision to close the deal without a real fight. I didnât want to seem âdifficultâ or âspoiled.â At the time, that seemed like a fine idea, until I saw the payroll on the Internet and realized every man I was working with definitely didnât worry about being âdifficultâ or âspoiled.â This could be a young-person thing. It could be a personality thing. Iâm sure itâs both. But this is an element of my personality that Iâve been working against for years, and based on the statistics, I donât think Iâm the only woman with this issue. Are we socially conditioned to behave this way? Weâve only been able to vote for what, 90 years? Iâm seriously asking â my phone is on the counter and Iâm on the couch, so a calculator is obviously out of the question. Could there still be a lingering habit of trying to express our opinions in a certain way that doesnât âoffendâ or âscareâ men?
A few weeks ago at work, I spoke my mind and gave my opinion in a clear and no-bullshit way; no aggression, just blunt. The man I was working with (actually, he was working for me) said, âWhoa! Weâre all on the same team here!â As if I was yelling at him. I was so shocked because nothing that I said was personal, offensive, or, to be honest, wrong. All I hear and see all day are men speaking their opinions, and I give mine in the same exact manner, and you would have thought I had said something offensive.
Iâm over trying to find the âadorableâ way to state my opinion and still be likable! Fuck that. I donât think Iâve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. Itâs just heard. Jeremy Renner, Christian Bale, and Bradley Cooper all fought and succeeded in negotiating powerful deals for themselves. If anything, Iâm sure they were commended for being fierce and tactical, while I was busy worrying about coming across as a brat and not getting my fair share. Again, this might have NOTHING to do with my vagina, but I wasnât completely wrong when another leaked Sony email revealed a producer referring to a fellow lead actress in a negotiation as a âspoiled brat.â For some reason, I just canât picture someone saying that about a man.
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