happy ( very early ) birthday to @kiraahachi!! mei, i hope you enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it and i hope you have a great birthday. i love you a lot and all that love went straight into this drabble. try not to read it too fast. B)
renji considers himself a pretty smart guy. he’s been around long enough to know when he should be suspicious or cautious and when he should rush in, guns blazing, with no thought spared to his personal health. since his earlier years of doing only the latter, he’s matured quite a bit--it’s been some time since he’s foolishly gotten himself injured or completely missed a telling social cue ( such as when aizen faked his death and betrayed all of soul society ).
point is--he’s smarter than people give him credit for. it might take him a little bit to catch onto things, but he gets there--mostly.
the first time he comes across byakuya and soi fon interacting in a private setting for longer than a few minutes, he doesn’t think much of it. they’re both captains, and they’ve known each other for quite some time. the only thing renji gets stuck on is the fact that soi fon is sitting in his chair, at his desk, while byakuya sits across from her at his own and drinks tea.
if they notice his presence, they don’t say anything. soi fon spares him a glance from the corner of her eye, but byakuya doesn’t tell her to vacate his chair, and she doesn’t seem to want to get up anytime soon. renji heaves a sigh and crosses the room, making sure to drop the papers in his hands on his desk as obnoxiously as possible.
“ can ya’ move? ” he asks after a short stretch of silence, arms crossed and upper lip curled.
“ watch your tone, abarai, ” she warns, finally leveling him with a dangerous sort of look that involves narrowed eyes and a frown and a lot of annoyance. renji grunts under his breath. the last thing he needs is soi fon finding another reason to smack him into a wall.
“ can ya’ please move? i have work t’ do, ” he tries again, and this time she stands, though that expression doesn’t change. renji watches her go before taking his seat and sliding the files towards himself, ready to settle in--until he notices soi fon at byakuya’s desk, talking too quietly for renji to hear.
he’s going to say something, ask soi fon what she’s doing there ( despite it being none of his business ), but soi fon looks over her shoulder at him, byakuya doing the same around her, and renji’s mouth snaps shut. they’re not talking anymore, either--just looking at him. he narrows his eyes, refusing to break first, and soi fon finally turns back and gives byakuya a goodbye loud enough for renji to hear. renji slides the pile of papers closer to him as soi fon leaves, eyes on her all the way up until she shuts the door behind her. it takes a moment, but renji’s eyes shift back to byakuya, who has lowered his cup and begun filling out reports.
renji’s tempted to ask, but if byakuya didn’t bring it up himself, it’s unlikely he’ll give renji the answer he’s looking for. besides--they’re captains. renji’s never pretended ( or tried ) to know what they spend their time talking about with each other, and he’s not about to start. what soi fon and byakuya talk about in their free time isn’t nearly as pressing as these reports he has to fill out. he gets the sense that even if he did ask, byakuya would simply tell him to focus on his work--as usual.
so that’s the first time.
the second time, renji’s starting to think it’s a little unusual. he knows soi fon and byakuya must spend time with other captains, too, but for hours on end? unlikely. byakuya doesn’t even like some of the captains.
he’s busy training the new recruits, testing how good they are at hitting ( bad ) and dodging ( even worse ) with wooden swords. byakuya told him he’d only have to do it for a couple hours while he went to a meeting with soi fon, but it’s been at least three and a half. not that renji minds--it’s good to get out of the office and hit some easy targets, but his arms are getting tired from swinging and his throat is getting sore from yelling.
still, he enjoys that ache in his muscles from hours of hard work, and he can almost ignore the sweat pouring down his face and the bruises blossoming along his arms from the few lucky hits a couple of the recruits had gotten in. it’s the sort of thing that he pushes to the back of his mind, just like when he’s pouring blood from an open wound or badly losing a fight. little things that aren’t important in the present.
it’s during a short break that he notices byakuya and soi fon off to one side, standing close to each other and conversing quietly again. he lifts a hand to shield his eyes, squinting in the hot sun, and that’s when they both glance at him. renji freezes for a moment before looking away, even going as far as turning his back to them and taking a swig from the water he’d brought so he’s not tempted to look again. it’s still not his business.
“ abarai-fukutaichō, ” byakuya calls, and renji’s shoulders rise to somewhere around his ears before he pivots. so much for it not being his business.
they’re both looking at him, but soi fon isn’t glaring anymore--so he figures it’s safe to go over. or, safer than it would be if she was glaring at him, in any case. he tucks the sword into his belt, trying not to flinch under the combined weight of both their gazes when he stops a few feet away. it’s a pretty safe distance, and even though neither of them have their swords on them, he knows they could both tear him to shreds with kidō and hand-to-hand combat alone--a few feet is just close enough to be polite but far enough away that he might be able to give himself a head start.
“ yeah? ” he asks, at length, when neither of them speak up first. they both look at each other, perfectly synchronized, and now renji’s starting to get a little uncomfortable.
“ what do you know about human dating customs? ” byakuya finally asks, and renji’s brows shoot up towards the strip of cloth tied around his head.
“ human dating customs, ” he repeats, to clarify, and when neither of them correct him, he frowns, just slightly, as he searches his memory. byakuya’s been married before--why is he asking renji, with his clear lack of anything resembling a love life, about dating? surely he’s been on dates, even if they weren’t in human terms. soi fon, for her part, just stares at him expectantly. no help there. “ can ya’... be more specific? there’s a lotta’ stuff i could tell ya’. ”
“ anything you can think of, ” soi fon amends.
“ well, there’s usually... flowers? eatin’ dinner together? um, sometimes they’ll go places, like the zoo. ” renji scrubs a hand over the hair pulled tight beneath is ponytail, trying to think. he doesn’t know if either of them are even aware of what a zoo is. “ really depends on the people. some of ‘em wanna’ go out t’ expensive restaurants and eat by candlelight, others just go t’ a movie and get popcorn. ” he cuts them a look from the corner of his eye. “ ya’ know shinigami do some a’ the same stuff, right? just their version of it. ”
“ can children go on dates? ” byakuya goes on, not even responding to renji’s last words. renji sort of just stares at him for a moment, unable to process what he’s asking.
“ well, abarai? ” soi fon presses, arms crossed.
“ uh, yeah. there’s this thing called playdates. parents set ‘em up, usually go with th’ kids and keep an eye on ‘em. ‘s not really considered a date, since kids don’t know what bein’ romantic even is, but that’s what they’re called, ” renji explains, giving himself an internal pat on the back for not sounding as confused as he feels. “ sometimes there are tea parties, or they go t’ a park or somethin’ and have a picnic. things kids like t’ do and adults don’t mind participating in. ”
“ and these are common in the human world? ” byakuya continues. he looks... vaguely excited, expectant, and soi fon’s got something of a smile on her face. it’s creepy.
“ ...sure, ” renji says, despite not actually being that sure. at this point he’ll just tell them what they want to hear. they both go back to speaking only to each other, and when soi fon notices him still standing there after a few seconds, she purses her lips, smile gone. her expression is just as stern as usual. renji thinks he might have just imagined the smile.
“ uh... right, ” renji responds, and then scurries back to where the recruits are waiting for him. he keeps an eye on them, though, for the eight minutes that they stay there. when they finally leave, renji fully turns his head to watch them go--and the recruit in front of him takes that opportunity to knock him flat on his ass. renji just lays there and blinks up at the sky.
the third time it’s definitely a pattern, and renji is officially spooked.
he’s sitting outside at a table, eating lunch, and enjoying the nice weather. it’s been persistent sun and no clouds for the past week, and renji has been capitalizing on it as much as he can. in fact, he has his head tilted towards the sky, eyes closed, letting the sun warm the dark lines etched across his brow and settle into the black folds of his shihakushō. the office is stuffy, oppressive, and there’s absolutely no movement from the wind, despite renji slamming all the windows open. he had to close them after he knocked a bunch of papers off his own desk, but still. no wind.
that’s when someone drops something down across from him. renji slits his eyes open, mouth tucked into a flat line, and it only thins further when he lowers his chin and looks at soi fon directly. of course it’d be her.
“ kuchiki-taichō’s office ‘s that way, ” he points out, gesturing to the right with his chopsticks. it’s a little risky, too far out of line for someone beneath her, and he almost flinches--but her expression doesn’t change.
“ i’m not an idiot. ” soi fon doesn’t open her lunch, voice barbed and sharp as always. it’s a tone she usually reserves just for people she doesn’t like much, renji’s come to notice. he raises his hands in a placating gesture, showing that he hadn’t quite meant it that way, but he doesn’t think it helps. “ i need to speak with you. ”
“ about what? ” renji asks, a little incredulous. what could soi fon want with him?
“ byakuya, ” she answers, and renji’s forehead crinkles. first name basis. it’s not solid enough evidence to point to anything, but still. he hasn’t heard many of the other captains refer to each other on a first-name basis, besides maybe kyōraku and ukitake.
“ shouldn’t ya’ talk t’ byakuya about byakuya? ”
“ what sort of activities does he like? ” soi fon continues, as if renji hadn’t even spoken. he’d sigh, but he thinks he would actually get scolded for that.
“ er... calligraphy? ” it’s phrased as a question, not a statement, and soi fon pins him with a scathing look. “ and reading. he reads a lot. sometimes he takes walks around the manor. uh... he works a lot durin’ his free time. ” there’s really not much else he can say, and he gives a somewhat helpless shrug. byakuya’s not a very exciting guy. “ he enjoys... tea. ”
“ thank you, ” soi fon says, a little begrudgingly ( or maybe that’s just renji exaggerating how much she dislikes him ) and begins collecting her stuff.
“ what did ya’ need that info for? ” renji asks, tapping his chopsticks on the side of the box.
“ none of your concern, ” soi fon says, cutting right across the last word of his question, and renji lifts his hands again. she takes her lunch back and heads right to the office byakuya and renji share, making sure to look both ways before sliding the door open just enough to fit through it. renji watches the routine, mouth agape, and tries to go back to his lunch. it doesn’t work. his curiosity is eating away at the disinterest he’s trying to force, and it’s ruining his appetite. figures.
three hours later, renji is still sitting at the table, though he’d found some random papers in another building and grabbed them so it looks like he’s been doing something instead of sitting there and sending his shared office what he hopes are subtle glances. ( they’re not ). soi fon emerges from the office, hair in disarray, a smear of ink on her cheek,and renji stares openly--but she doesn’t notice him, just moves the across the walkway and back towards her own division.
and that’s the third time. renji officially doesn’t want to know anything else.
it’s been a long week. every time renji turns a corner, he’s worried he’s going to run into soi fon or byakuya. he’s seen them walking together, eating together, and even doing paperwork together--absolutely unheard of for byakuya, at least, who sometimes even needs renji to leave so he can get it done. ( that might have something to do with renji always trying to fill the silence with jokes and stories, but he’s not completely admitting to that ).
the worst part is, they keep looking at him. or trying to talk to him. they haven’t succeeded with the latter since the first few times, and renji’s trying to keep it that way. he avoids them like the plague, only visits the office when he’s sure neither of them are there ( or when he’s 100% positive that byakuya is the only one in there ), and turns completely around whenever he makes eye contact with either of them.
but his luck runs out. byakuya and soi fon are in the office, doing whatever it is they’ve been doing for the past week, and renji needs to get the reports that are due tomorrow. or, more accurately, that were due two days ago--he has to get them done before the meeting tomorrow morning, or he’ll never hear the end of it from both byakuya and the captain commander. he doesn’t need disciplinary action on top of everything else he has going on.
maybe he can sneak in and out without either of them noticing. there’s a back room in the office where they store old reports and extra materials and such, and they could be back there--renji’s not willing to think too hard about why they’d be back there, but it’s the ideal situation. anywhere but his desk would be the ideal situation, really.
when he slips into the office under the cover of darkness, the lights in the main room aren’t on. only the ones in the back are--so he’d been right. he sets about quickly opening up the drawers and grabbing the reports he needs, hands light and fast and head tucked down--when he hears a laugh, and clinking glass. he stops in the middle of what he’s doing, head tilted. it’s not the sort of breathy laugh he’d associate with that kind of thing, and the sound of dishes being moved is even more abnormal.
carefully, quietly, he slides his feet across the floor to avoid the creaky boards and lines his back up with the wall next to the doorway, taking in a deep breath. he has to be careful, here--the last thing he wants is to be caught snooping.
“ just come in, abarai, ” soi fon says, or snaps, and renji jumps. it’s not really a surprise, though--of course they’d know he’s there. he didn’t even try to reel in his reiatsu.
slowly, super casually, renji peels his back off the wall and turns into the open doorway, hands down by his sword, and just--freezes.
soi fon and byakuya are seated at a low table, knees bent up towards their chests, with cups of tea held in their hands. on either side of them sit two stuffed animals: a black cat, and a seaweed ambassador. renji’s jaw goes slack, lips parted, and his spine bends until he slouches over. of all the things he thought they could’ve been doing, this was not one of them.
“ close your mouth. you’re attracting flies. ” renji obeys, but keeps his eyes on where byakuya is lifting a teacup to the ambassador’s sewn-on mouth. he doesn’t want to look at soi fon after that comment.
“ are you guys havin’ a... tea party? ” he asks, voice a little uneven and high enough to be, frankly, a little embarrassing. renji clears his throat quietly, trying not to give away what he’s doing.
“ i believe it’s called a playdate, ” byakuya clarifies. soi fon gives him confirmation in the form of a nod and lifts the teacup to the stuffed cat’s mouth. “ as you described to us. ”
“ for--you guys? ” renji continues, still not quite getting it. he just can’t believe what he’s seeing.
“ don’t be ridiculous, ” soi fon says, frowning. “ for hiretsuna-san and the seaweed ambassador. it’s her birthday. ”
“ --right, ” renji says, because he really doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say here. “ i’m just gonna’... ”
“ would you like to join us? ” byakuya interrupts, lowering his cup just enough to peer at renji over the rim. “ we attempted to approach you earlier, but you seemed inclined to keep running away when you saw us. ” renji shrinks a little under his gaze.
“ nn-- ” renji starts, but based on soi fon’s expression, that’s the wrong answer. “ yes? ”
“ take a seat, then. ” soi fon nudges out the empty chair with her foot, eyes going back to her own cup.
“ i didn’t bring anythin’ with me except my sword. ” and that’s true--renji has his sword strapped to him, some papers in the other room, and that’s it.
“ use your imagination, ” she recommends, and renji still can’t quite shake the feeling that this must be some kind of dream. or a very vivid hallucination.
he knows byakuya has a sort of obsession with the seaweed ambassador, and isn’t all that surprised to see the man has a stuffed one. he also knows that soi fon has a lot of black cat merchandise, but to go so far as to set up a playdate between the two? that’s something else entirely.
but renji goes, and he sits, and he pretends to drink tea with the highly-respected captains of the sixth and second vision and their “kids.” it’s the kind of thing he’s going to be confused about for the next two hundred years.
but what can he do? it is hiretsuna-san’s birthday, after all.
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