inside her mind.

Each week of the year is coming and going so fast. It’s spring now, but we’re closer to summer than we are to the beginning of spring. My stomach is starting to grow, and it looks like I’ve gained a little weight. Dr. Kang told me it’s expected for pregnant women to gain a total of 15-20 kg throughout their pregnancies. I’ll be visiting her again this Friday, to check how my baby’s doing and all the normal procedures I’ve become used to by now. 

It’s so strange visiting the doctor’s office weekly. I was accustomed to going once a season-- but weekly? It’s the new normal with me, especially with a baby on the way. I’ll have to continue the checkups even after the birth of my child. 

I’m a mixture of emotions. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m petrified. Most days, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s my hormones doing, or I remind myself how my biological mother died after she gave birth to me. 

I wish I could travel back in time and meet her at the stage of life I’m in. I wouldn’t tell her who I am, though. I just want to know who she was. Was she just like me? Did she like fresh strawberries? Did she enjoy reading in the sunlight? Did flowers make her smile, too?

When Soojung unnie uncovered the truth about my biological parents, I couldn’t stop staring at my mother’s identification photo. She and I resemble each other, although she was a lot more beautiful. She had sorrowful eyes, like she’s witnessed so much cruelty in her lifetime. 

It’s a spontaneous emotion, but I want to hear her stories. I wish I could lie down, and have her beside me, reading me stories she’s heard, stories she’s read, stories she’s experienced.