mslittlefickle

1. Sipping on our Monster vodkas and munching on rice crackers and custard cream biscuits, we watched as the guys pulled five big, beautiful salmons out of the ocean.

“Susan Strasberg recalled a moment while she and Marilyn were walking through New York City. They’d been relatively unbothered most of the day; no one seemed to notice the blonde bombshell in public, which Susan found odd. Suddenly, Marilyn turned to Susan and said, ‘Do you want to see me be her?’

1. I cried, seeing Mana waving us off from the parking lot at Whitis Court for the very last time.  

2. Really beginning to dislike this transient lifestyle with its constant separations and goodbyes. Dear Austin, will you take me? 

1. I dislike that word.

2. Contrary to the highly popularized SAD-reduction model, I decided to skip the RTF end of the year party for a dinner with friends, and I am so. glad. I did. Take that, therapists. 

1. Today I did the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I broke up with Andy. It was my first time... and I never ever want to do something like this again. 

2. How do you forget five, almost six, years worth of memories? I’m guessing the answer is, you can’t. 

27.04.2015: It’s the hardest when I’m alone. He (and his family) is, and always will be, a constant presence and influence in my life. He is the reason for my OCD, he is why I am a much better communicator now compared to the 19 years prior, why I’ve become much less self-centered and more in-tune with other people’s feelings, why I’ve become so much more appreciative of culture and of technology, why I’ve become a much better daughter, niece, and granddaughter ... and a much more confident person. 

I really did love him, and I think there will always be a part of me that will always, always  only want the best for him. I guess I’m now in the second-guessing part of the stage... Maybe if I had been a better communicator, maybe if he had proposed to me when he came last Christmas, maybe if I had emphasized how much certain values meant to be, maybe if I would just give up being just so damn selfish and always wanting to explore the world, maybe if I had tried harder... that we would’ve worked out. I don’t think I could ever find anyone who loves me more than he loves me. So much so that he is willing to give up his family, his dreams, just so I was happy. I was his world. I guess... he wasn’t as big a part of mine (but it was still a huge, huge part). 

It didn’t really hit me until yesterday, when I received well wishes from Aunty following my explanation... That she still thinks I am a smart and good girl even after what I did, or am doing, to her son. That she thinks it was a very mature decision on my part. That she’s proud to have seen me grow to the person I am today. I guess a part of me was thinking that she would persuade me or even convince me to change my mind. Maybe I was subconsciously hoping for her to come up with a solution that would render the separation bit unnecessary. I guess her wishing me well sort of solidified the break up. That if even she, as a mother, agreed that it was the right decision to make - despite her saying she loved me more than her two sons and that she would miss me terribly - that this really is the end. 

But it just hurt SO. MUCH. So. so. much. Knowing that he isn’t eating, knowing that it hurts for them just to think about me. Knowing that they loved me as one of their very own. Thinking about all the happier times, our family trips. I really thought we were family. How they took me in when I was scared and frightened and didn’t have a home, didn’t have family to fall back on, didn’t have friends... I feel like such... a horrible person. Like I don’t deserve another relationship because I gave up something so beautiful, someone who cared for me more than I would ever care for myself. 

Over the past years I’ve developed this sort of blocking mechanism to deal with depression where I simply don’t think about bad experience and simply forget. It’s also resulted in suppressed memories of happier times... It’s pretty much become all a blur. But yesterday... I think it finally broke down, I started remembering... Remembering when he came and cleaned the house when I was vomiting and in pain. How he made the congee, and cleaned my puke, and bought me soda. How he always, always believed in me, no matter what fickle idea I had in mind... How he would help me button up my jackets, and forbade me from any dangerous activities... 

How I would always worry about all the admin stuff for him because he could never remember to pay his bills on time, or help him argue with customer service reps over ridiculous charges, encourage him when he thought he couldn’t get into any masters program or couldn’t get a job, how much he loved eating scallops (I’ve never seen anyone have a foodgasm prior to him), how he would drench french toasts in syrups and cut them into little pieces for me to eat... how I would help him poke the lemons for the lemon ice teas, that very moment on the MTR after our trip to Tai O and the Big Buddha when I knew that I liked him and laid my head on his shoulder for the very first time... How he would always cook up a storm for me when I got hungry in the middle of the night.... and prepare lunches for me when I worked as a shipping clerk in Vancouver. How much we both loved cat videos, and wanted to get a Momo of our own... How I had to always fall asleep before him or else his snores would keep me awake all night. How he would wake up early on a Saturday morning to make me a cup of coffee before I left for work. How he knew exactly how I liked my coffee, dark with lots of sugar. How..... we became such an integral part of each other’s lives. 

I know, I know, it’s supposed to get better with time but right now it’s taking everything, just EVERYTHING I’ve got, not to call him up and saying “I didn’t mean it. Please have me back. I’m never doing this to us again.”. Cos it hurts so, so bad. Logically, in the back of my mind I know this is the right thing to do due to the uncertainty of our future and also because of a variance in our core beliefs/values/whatever... but right now, it feels like ... it feels like my heart is giant hollow hole  and my eyes just can’t stop tearing. That something very, very important of me, maybe even vital to me, has gone completely missing. And I can’t tell him about my newest nose piercing, or my plans to go to Houston, or share that cute cat video (I couldn’t even bring myself to watch) that I saw on my news feed the other day of a cat that likes to walk on its hind legs. That I knew he would’ve loved. 

By Kyle Schwartz. 

#iwishihadthechancetodothiswheniwasstillteaching. 

1. After a recent turn of events, involving a whole lot more nights out than chill days, it looks like I have to begrudgingly admit the power of the social network and exchange of ideas (Although there is still a teeny tiny part of me that is stubbornly holding out!). 

2. Despite my recent aberrant and exhausting interest in socialization, I have also reluctantly acquiesced to becoming a Twitter data collection robot and a data entry laborer. Looking at the amount of data yet to be entered and analyzed, I am almost fairly certain that my thesis will be done using strictly qualitative methods. 

In response to Straubhaar et al’s (2013) Inequity in the Technopolis: Race, Class, Gender, and the Digital Divide in Austin.