Catherine 💋

2 years ago on my birthday you asked me what my birthday wish was, I didn't answer but instead I said if I told you, it wouldn't come true.

My dearest you,

I am writing this to finally come into terms of what I feel and hopefully move forward and start a whole new journey. It was a weird attraction, the moment I met you. It was like all the image of the person that I would like to be with was in front of me. Not really in the physical sense, but your wit, your humor, the way you carried yourself around people. I had moments when I would tell myself that the ideal guy does exist, it's just too bad I have given my heart to someone else. A friendship with you wouldn't hurt, would it?

As the days went on, I started to know little fragments of you. I found out you had someone, and that was okay, I didn't expect anything from the both of us. You would ask where I was without knowing who I am and I swear, it made my heart flutter sometimes and I didn't even know why. You became a happy infatuation. It was safe since I know in my heart, that I will just be only liking you from a distance and you will never know notice that I exist.

The day I let go and let God, my heart was crushed and my whole idea of love crumbled. Liking you became the happy bubble I tried to hide when I was in pain. You became the fantasy love story I'd conjure in my head to ease the hurt. But then slowly, the fantasy idea of who you are became a reality. Usually, when I get to know a guy I'm crushing on, the interest slowly fades. But not you, it became scary, and I had to continually watch and remind myself not to fall for you.

But I guess the Lord had different plans. We got a little closer even with much effort from me to move away. I got to know some things about you and as much as I hoped that those details would just be a passing thought, they were stuck in my head. We shared some common interests, and for some reason share a wicked and sarcastic sense of humor. Unlike other guys who mostly let me win, you do not back down and let me have my way. In the midst of a group, our banters and conversations would always take center stage, and people around us would notice that there was just something between us.

I started to be more conscious of your presence because at the back of my mind, I knew that feelings were starting to grow. Our interactions were becoming moments I look back on when the pain of the past starts to hit. The running and chasing, the fights and all the back and forth. There were several times, when I would tell myself to pretend you do not exist, to avoid you and keep my distance but as always, my heart gets the best of me.

You always manage to catch me off guard, the I miss you's, the touch, the sudden concern, the sweetness all those little nonesense and mundane things. I treasure them. I will always treasure them.

But this one is not for the butterflies in my stomach or for the schoolgirl crush you made me feel. This one is me finally accepting that I actually have genuine feelings for you, but I know you and I are impossible. Because deep down, I know I am not your type. I will never fit in your life. All those things you showed me are just kindness and friendship.

I will never be the girl you'll fall for. I will never be the girl you'd be proud to call yours. I will never be the girl you'd recall little moments with. I will never be the girl you'll love. And truly, I am okay with that. But I need to stop these years of fighting and figuring out if there will ever be a you and me, of daydreaming and rehashing conversations and interactions, of decoding your gestures and actions. I am done. I need to be done. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to resent you. I don't want a friendship with you to break my heart. So, I am letting my feelings go. I am letting the thoughts of us go.

I wish you well. I wish you joy and I wish you all the happiness your heart longs for. Thank you for existing, I'm glad I encountered you.

Letting you go and letting God.

Tomorrow we are supposed to turn 5 years old. But Year 3 and we've exhaust ourselves with the distance. I'd like to believe that God still answered my prayers because today I saw snaps of you looking proud and happy. That's all I've ever wanted...to see you happy.

I wanted to cry. To scream. But no tears fell though I keep forcing myself to shed it. I still miss you, for all the wrong things between us I still crave for you. Every damn day. No one could still fill in that void you left. That damn hole in my heart no one seems to fix.

But I am trying. I am trying to forgive you, to forget you. To not miss your comfort. To not miss your voice.

September 1, 2019.

My stupid heart,

after all, never learns."

- Mica Meñez, i could never make my heart condemn you

artwork by ellehell via IG

“Since when?” I asked. My voice slowly cracking like making sure everything I said will be remembered.

“It’s been 6 months since the fading out happened.” He said. His sentence came out without a stutter, like a memorized poem he practiced when he’s alone.

We spent a couple of minutes in silence. I was just there, putting barriers from everything that came cascading in my mind, tried to filter which part of his actions were real and which one he pulled up a mask on. I was trying to designate my hopes out from my wishes, my reality from his fiction. But I knew that he knew how hurt I was. It was palpable.

“I am sorry. I did but I can’t force myself to stay when I am no longer as happy as you were. I am sorry.”

It became the last thing I heard from him. I never even had a glace of him. I never even got a chance to watch him leave. I didn’t even know if he was crying too. He never needed to say a goodbye. It was suddenly understood. I knew it was the kind of goodbye that doesn’t get a healing or second chance. I knew I lost him.

I was left there with such million soldiers of contradicting memories parading inside my head. Six months. He faked his affection so well that I didn’t even notice. How could I? How could he lie to someone he used to drop a text or call to make sure I made it home safe? How could he be this distant to me when every time we were apart, he always wish I was beside him? How could he be this cruel when every goddamned fight that we had, he always skipped his work just so we could talk, how he travelled miles just so he could see me? How could he be this cold when he was so warm every time he kissed me, every time he magnetized my body against his chest, every time I felt his tongue on my neck, every time I felt his skin and his fictions? How could he tell me he stopped loving me, when we were happy yesterday? How could he say he stopped loving me while promising me he wanted to be with me forever?

The next morning I woke up, I knew I was no longer the same person I was. I lost the person who built me up every time I’m exhausted about life and friends. I lost not just the half of me instead, I lost the person I see a reflection of why I needed to be strong.

I was tired. My mind never stopped untangling the last night’s memories. I still think of him that morning, where he went the moment he walked out the door. Did he slept well after leaving me broken? Has he eaten his breakfast? I knew I still love him. It never subtracted even just an inch of how significant he was to me but I must admit my heart was mad. After that night of registering how he falsified the love he had for me, all I was left of were anger and thirst for elaborated explanation why in the two of us, it was him who needed to leave first. All I did was love him. All I did was give him everything I have. All I showed were my kindness. I repaid his efforts with more than what he deserved. He was so unfair. He was so selfish.

Days crawled into weeks, I left some of my questions on desk, left some of my tears on the shower, left some of nightmares beneath my pillowcase, left the feeling of missing him on the cup of cold coffee I poured on sink.

I hated him.

I knew I needed to feel something other than feeling sorry for myself. So I hated him. I hated everything that reminded me of him and us. I renovated my room until everything felt new, until I could erase his face in my walls. I hated how he hurt me, how I hurt myself the day he left me. I hate the way he had to pluck his choice of saving himself so he broke me.

I overdosed myself from sadness. Sadness that somehow had a shade of his promises, sadness that had the browses of his Polaroid smiles, sadness that sounds exactly like his favorite song. I was sad for months until that sadness stretched into years. But my sadness are only visible in the mirror when I am alone. It was easier telling people I was over him and that I don’t care rather than telling them I still had dreams of us, I could still hear his last sentence, I could still recall the sound of the doorknob clacking, I could still feel the trauma of stillness.

On that second Tuesday of July, I bumped across the box of our pictures I hid on the basement. It was our collection of years that I never burned but I promised not to open again.

There was a picture of me sitting on the sand as the waves came in blur from the background. There was an image of his hand holding mine, we wore that same ring we bought from a souvenir shop last summer. Until I had that picture I grabbed that I never overlooked before. It was us, our face were too close together and we occupied the entire portrait with our pale cheeks. I was smiling so tangibly and he did too or should I say, he tried too. I looked up close and realized it was a picture we took three months before the break up. I stared at him for so long and realized he was smiling but he didn’t look happy. His eyes were too sad and confused. That was the moment it hit me.

He did everything that he could to change what was changing. He postponed the farewells in hope that maybe one day, his love for me will grow back. He stayed because he didn’t want to go. He stayed because maybe he was just confused. Maybe he still wanted to love me but somehow, he lost all reasons why he must. Maybe he did want to save me too but in able to do so, he must save himself first. Maybe he needed to go because if he remained a little longer, he’ll hurt me worse. Maybe I read the wrong clues. I now understood the things I neglected. And that he was hurting without letting me know it. He was hurting because he was forcing himself to do everything that makes him unhappy. He was pressured. He stayed for a while because he doesn’t want to hurt me but he was left with no choice. I suddenly saw things clearer.

I ran downstairs and entered my room. I sat on the side of the floor where he left me crying. I cried so hard. I cried so much. It was like cleansing all the remaining heartaches I refused to let go. I cried until I cried adequately. He left me because he wanted to save me from him. Perhaps, I only see the way he hurt me and not the way he hurt himself while saving me for six months. Perhaps, he didn’t do something coward for running away. He did something brave for himself.

I still love him. I still do.

I don’t know when I’ll stop.

Maybe I will love him until I loved him enough.

Maybe I don’t need to force myself to feel the things that’s not there yet.

Maybe that day will come as well —‘the fading out’.

Perhaps it will happen to me as well.

Maybe the day will come where I still wanted to love him but I’ll run out of reasons why I must.

I never regret loving you. I thought you should know that. And that it hurts how briskly it is to see people occupy the spot you said that belonged to me. It hurts but it's okay. Maybe I was never meant to be remembered when you got all the attention you needed.

Maybe it's okay because I paved your way while leaving myself behind. Maybe half of me wants me to leave us behind, wants me to see you go, wants me to carry on alone. While the other part hopes for you to remind yourself that you had this person who stayed when the world forgot you. Maybe I was just someone you wish to have when you had no one.

You got everything you need now

while there I was before

giving up my everything because you got nothing."

I knew you loved me. I felt it. I did.

And that's enough to finally evaporate from your life because you did your part. You did love me even if we didn't make it that long. Even if your love didn't last. Even if my love didn't serve you best.

I knew you did love me in the best way you could. In the most sincere way you could.

It's just bad timing.

It's just too impossible.

It's just to risky

and our time was up.

I knew you loved me

it just happened that you found excitement in a different skin, different warmth, different promises that made you dance in your dreams, different breath.

I knew you loved me

it's just that loving me made you tired.

I hope she loves you right.

- Mica Meñez, You loved me once, right?

I think it’s time to tolerate your own self.