Slightly interesting/“funny” convo with him today - he was talking about golf, since he has golf on his mind rn obviously - and I brought up how when we were in university he used to go get/steal golf balls from water hazards at night (free golf balls I guess? So dumb) and I thought he did that with his BFF at a course here in town, but he corrected me and said he used to do it with B, way out at the same course that he is planning to go to this weekend.
And I was like, wait, you went and did that a lot, though? You were going all the way out there with B, at night, regularly??
This is notable/interesting because back then we lived pretty close to where we live now, actually (because we were going to the university that is near here). Close to the city, anyway.
And this golf course is like 100km (62 miles) which is like an 1.5 hour drive from here. And again, he would have had to been doing this at night after the course was closed.
Now obviously we were students then so our lifestyle wasn’t like when you have a regular, stable adult job/life. We’d regularly go out until the bars closed etc.
But the fact that I don’t even remember him going way the hell out in the boonies at night to do this golf ball stealing - I only remembered the golf ball stealing part of it because I think at the time I found it funny but also a bit ridiculous - means that I wasn’t “controlling” at that point in our relationship. (As in, making a big fuss about him being out late and/or doing stuff with his friends etc.)
Like yeah sure, go do whatever way out in the middle of nowhere late at night with your friend etc. I am pretty confident that was my overall attitude towards stuff like that then.
And if I wasn’t controlling in that way at like, 21-22, then why the heck would I morph into that person in my 40’s?? That doesn’t really make much sense at all.
Again, my only ask once V was born was that he not leave me holding the parenting bag too much/too often.
I actually think I was very easy-going about this kind of thing for years - like for the 18 years before we had her - so perhaps me saying “Maybe not go golfing again? I need some help with her, please!” at all was a shock to his system and felt overly controlling precisely because I had always been the opposite.
Again, my life obviously changed radically once V was born. His did too. But the extent to which it changed for him obviously felt unfair/unjust and he resented the hell out of it.
But like…that is what happens when you become a parent?? I knew that would happen. But he clearly didn’t, not really. I honestly think he expected to continue on mainly the same way he had always operated. The fact that he lost sleep and was more tired and he didn’t get as much free time or as much fun - somehow that became mostly my fault, for expecting and asking for an equal parenting partner.
Also, yes, you lose free time etc, but obviously you gain so much, having a child. But again, I don’t think he really enjoyed or appreciated that stuff when V was little. He pretended to, but he didn’t really.
So yeah, I wasn’t a nagging, controlling girlfriend ever. And I wasn’t even an overly nagging partner once V was born. He just had unrealistic expectations around what being a Dad really meant.
