ms ives

i swear to god i’m just gonna wrap my fucking car around a tree one of these days

who i am now is an affront to the child that shared my name

i feel like the only life i’ll ever have that’s worth living is already passed

one day i am gonna grow wings

genuinely every fucking day is abject misery i hate being alive and i don’t wanna do this anymore

truly hitting me for the first time in real time that the only thing i’ve ever wanted isn’t gonna happen

im so sorry to everyone in my life for everything. i know im a fuck up. i know im a disappointment. i wish i could take it all back.

i can’t go on like this anymore. it hurts too much. i’m so so sorry. i never wanted to hurt anyone.

it’s almost harder in a way when you have nothing to blame it on. my childhood was fine. why am i like this? how did i end up this way?

my parents both think i’m a mistake. i think i’m a mistake too. i don’t really know why i stick around. i don’t have anything to live for.

i really let everyone down. especially my dad. i was a good kid. weird, but good. i was smart. sweet. i got good grades, got a good scholarship to a good university. what happened. i’m a complete fuck up. i had it all and failed hard. sorry dad.

i don’t think i’ve ever been in worse shape in my life

i feel like i’ve lost so much of myself over the past decade but also over the last few months. part of me feels like it’s died and it’ll never really come back. i don’t know if i can ever be happy. maybe i kicked a pebble or stepped on a leaf when i was a kid and that’s what set everything into motion. or maybe it’s just easier to believe that i didn’t ruin my own life. it doesn’t change anything though. i’m not sure who i am anymore but i know i don’t like it.

at the end of the day it’s not really funny because i have to look like this forever. this is who im stuck as forever