Miscellaneous

This is a performance of the original piece I found on YouTube. 

Sam Vimes: You have two cows. They are probably guilty of something. Loitering, probably.

Young Sam: Where are your cows? Those goes “baah.” Those are sheep. They are not your cows.

Moist von Lipwig: You steal two cows. You convince everyone they are made of gold and sell them for a fortune. You get arrested and become Minister of Agriculture.

Tiffany Aching: You have two cows. An elf tries to steal them and you hit it with a frying pan.

Nac Mac Feegle: Someone has two cows. You steal them, then fight them, then fight yourself. You win.

Rincewind: You run away from cows.

Unseen University: You have two cows. One is caught up in a magical accident and is now a chair. The other has become a professor.

Sybil Ramkin: You have many cows. They aren’t dragons, so you don’t care. You have 37 dragons.

Nanny Ogg: You have a cow and a bull. You enjoy explaining how they will make more cows.

Granny Weatherwax: You wish Gytha would stop explaining how you get cows.

Sam: Stop! STOP! You leave Mr L- Elf alone, Mr Gimli!

Legolas: Why, thank you, Sam. You see, Gimli? Your dwarven rudeness has even upset Sam-

Sam, sobbing: He can’t take such a talking to, Mr Gimli! He’s such a sensitive soul. Much more of that and he’ll be dead by morn!

Legolas: 

Sam: but these are really sad times

Aragorn: excuse me

Sam: we’re all very upset all the time because of the quest. what if something small is what pushes him over the edge

Aragorn: it doesn’t work like that-

Legolas, genuinely panicked: what if it works like that??

Aragorn: I’m sure it doesn’t

Legolas: he had a point I AM very upset all the time

Gandalf: Legolas I assure you no elf has ever died like that

Legolas: NOT YET THEY HAVEN’T

YOU ONLY KEEP ONE BULL 

Caleb: open your SAT prepbook. delete the contractions. add the verb “mumbled.” stir in german and self-loathing to taste.

Jester: she! is very excited!! about everything!! About anything!! About nothing at all!!! occasionally sprinkle in some friendly wisdom. her cheer is a mask of deep-seated pain but that’s alright because this town has a bakery.

Beau: AY, are you talkin’ to me? I said, are you talkin’ to me? Are you ready, motherfucker? Are you ready to throw down?? I will piss on your ashes, I don’t give a fuck. I hate my parents. I love my friends.

Molly: i am an idiot who never learned to read. My accent might as well be irish, and all my bullshit is well-intentioned. Fuck a bagel. Love yourself. Would you like to hear a fortune? I am contractually obligated to end on the word “dear”

Nott: hey, have you met my son? My wonderful, talented, incredible son? Oh, what’s that? Your parents aren’t around? Hey, how would you like to be my son? I know I’m not much, just a little goblin, but I can teach you all about crime.

Yasha: imagine all of scandinavia. make her sentences unbelievably vague. End abruptly. Stir in allusions to a horrifying past and a generous helping of I Loved My Dead Wife

Fjord: y'all’d’ve'f'I’d’ve

its been way too long since ive drawn some TAZ and ive missed them so much

Tres horny fish! 

No, they have Westron names and English names.

What you’ve got to understand is that everything Tolkien wrote was him pretending to merely translate ancient documents. He was writing as if the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings were actually been written by Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam (or Bilba, Maura, and Ban) and he was just some random contemporary academic translating it all into English for us. 

There are many languages in his books, but generally speaking, everything written in English in the books is a translation of the language “Westron.” Therefore any names that come from Westron, he translated. Names coming from other languages, like Sindarin, he left as they were. Why? IDK. Maybe because the stories are from a hobbit perspective and hobbits speak Westron, so he wanted the Westron parts to sound familiar and the other languages/names to remain foreign? 

“But Mirkwoodest!” you cry, “The word ‘hobbit’ isn’t an English word! And the names Bilbo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took, and Meriadoc Brandybuck” all sounds super weird and not like English at all!”

Psych! They are in English! (Or Old English, German, or Norse.) Once again you underestimate what a nerd Tolkien was. Let me break it down: 

In Westron, hobbits are actually called “kuduk,” which means “hole-dweller,” so for an English translation, Tolkien called them “hobbits” which is a modernization of the Old English word “holbytla” which comes from “Hol” (hole) and “Bytla”(builder). 

“Maura” is a Westron name which means “Wise.” Weirdly enough, “Frodo” is an actual Proto-Germanic name that actual people used to have and it means the same thing. 

“Banazîr” is Westron for “half-wise, or simple.” In Proto Germanic, the prefix “Sam” means half, and wise is obviously a word we still use. 

“Razanur” means “Traveler” or “Stranger” which is also the meaning of the word “Peregrin(e)” This one is a twofer because  “Razar” means “a small red apple” and in English so does “Pippin.”

“Kalimac” apparently is a meaningless name in Westron, but the shortened form “Kali” means “happy,” so Jirt decided his nickname would be “Merry” and chose the really obscure ancient Celtic name “Meriodoc” to match. 

Jirt chose to leave “Bilba” almost exactly the same in English, but he changed the ending to an “O” because in Westron names ending in “a” are masculine. 

I’m not going to go on and talk about the last names but those all have special meanings too (except Tûk, which is too iconic to change more than the spelling of, apparently). 

The Rohirrim were also Westron speakers first and foremost, so their names are also “translations” into Old English and Proto-Germanic words, i.e. “Eowyn”  is a combination of “Eoh” (horse) and “Wynn” (joy/bliss). 

“Rohirrim/Rohan” are Sindarin words, but in the books, they call themselves the “Éothéod” which is an Old English/Norse combo that means “horse people.” Tolkien tells us in the “Peoples of Middle Earth” that the actual Westron for “Éothéod” is Lohtûr, which means that Eowyn and Eomer’s names, which come from the same root word, must also start with the letter L. 

The names of all the elves, dwarves, Dunedain, and men from Gondor are not English translations, since they come from root words other than Westron. 

The takeaway from this is that when a guy whose first real job was researching the history and etymology of words of Germanic origin beginning with the letter “W” writes a book, you can expect this kind of tomfoolery.

Notes: Sorry I said “Razal” instead of “Razar” in my original post I’m a fraud. 

Further Reading: