Mrs S.

I haven’t been on tumblr in more than a year. Life got busy, and my newly formed IRL friendships started to sustain me in the way that tumblr used to (yay!) but today I am back. I need the anonymous shouting into the void. My other social media platforms are too public and I need for people who know me IRL to not know how I’m actually feeling. I need them to think that I’m okayish, even when I am really not okay.

Mr S and I found out 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant, unexpected, unplanned but very very welcome.10 days ago I started bleeding, 9 days ago there was a heartbeat, 4 days ago there wasn’t. My body has dealt with everything thrown at it. Multiple pelvic exams, multiple internal ultrasounds, a quite frankly terrifying amount of blood and a crazy amount of people examining my insides from every angle possible (this woman no longer has ANY embarrassment about anything #silverlining?) but now that I know that almost everything from the pregnancy is no longer there the grief and the loss and the ‘what ifs’ have started. 

My IRL friends have been great, my husband the absolute greatest but tonight is my night to wallow, and feel sad, and embrace the ‘what ifs’ and the what might have beens.

If this was a test then I hope we passed with flying colours, if this was a reminder that life is brief and we can’t control it, we have got the message loud and clear.

Despite the angry tone, I don’t think I’m actually angry, I think I’ve just lost a little more of that youthful optimism and naivety that we all do as we get older. I still firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us and that there will be a purpose for this pain that we’re experiencing but it’s so damn hard to process.

The grief blindsided me tonight. I’ve not been able to think about what all that blood meant until it stopped and now reality has set in and it sucks. It really really sucks. I am going to sit here and quietly cry until I can’t cry anymore or my husband discovers me (I’m not hiding but I’m meant to be asleep)

We have a followup scan tomorrow to make sure I don’t need medical intervention to clear anything that’s left, really hoping I manage not to cry in that.