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I was born in a town in central California called Bishop, as was most of my family. I am the middle child of five kids on my mothers' side, and I was the only boy. My two older sisters are Kristina, born in 1983, and Kara, born in 1985. My two younger sisters are Kaitlin, who was born in 2001, and Kendall, who was born in 2004. I'm telling you this because this is a story about an older sister whose life was taken in an instant and changed my whole family for good.

Kristina was born on December 1st, 1983. She was the first of my mothers' children. My mother said Kristina was a typical girl growing up in the eighties. She said Kristina had an exceptional heart, though, probably more extensive than most, especially in recent years. Kristina met her best friend when my other sister Kara was born. They were so close in age my mother said that they were inseparable. They would fight like typical sisters, but they had a sibling bond as strong as steel.

I was born on March 25th, 1993, and on that day, my mother said Kristina also became a mother. I can recall numerous stories on how much Kristina adored me and would always be taking care of me or wanting me by her side like she was my protector. Kristina and Kara would put me in dresses and practice putting makeup on me. She was more alive than I ever could wish to be. On New Years Day, it was Kristina's death that started a domino effect that would slowly begin to change this entire family in ways none of us thought were possible.

It was about ten o'clock in the morning on New Years Day in 1996 when they pulled her out of the river. She never showed up at home the night before, which wasn't like her or any of us. At first, my mother didn't think too hard about it because society wasn't afraid for their kids today. There weren't as many dangers or reasons to keep our young ones attached at the hip, but in reality, a lot of risks and fears haven't come to fruition yet. A lot speculated mother's negligence is responsible for my sisters' death. That she was too lenient, and that is what led to what happened. In reality, it was one man's selfishness and inconsideration that took her life, along with the five three other people in the car, not including my sister.

The day before her death, Kristina went to spend time with a friend. We all know as someone who just became a teenager, not even a month before that, teenagers can and will lose track of time. When she realized how late she was and didn't account for the walk back home, she left. It was getting late, around 11 pm, and she made her way back to the family abode to ask our mother if she could spend the night at her friends' house. She never made it home that night.

Bishop was a tiny town nestled in a valley at the bottom of the mountains, including an Indian reservation. The city was so small, and like I mentioned earlier, the lack of fear parents had, everyone knew everyone. Friends came in all shapes and sizes, but also ages too. It wasn't unorthodox for young teenagers to, at the very least, associate with people in their early twenties.

On my sister's walk to ask if she could stay the night with her friend, a car full of people with ages ranging from 13 to 24, the driver being the oldest. Kristina either knew everyone in the car or knew of them through other family or friends. One of them asked her if she needed a lift home, and like and tired teenager walking in the cold night, gladly accepted. On their way to drop her off, the driver did something wrong and ended getting pulled over. So he pulled to the side of the road; as the cop pulled to the side behind him and got out of his vehicle, the driver of the car just sped off. It was so sudden it was like flicking a switch. No one starts a police chase for no reason. His reason was a decision that has taken many children from their parents and left too many kids without a parent. He had been drinking and driving.

I don't remember how long the chase lasted, but it would inevitably end. The pursuit came to an end at the worst spot in the entire town. She may still be here today if they didn't crash where they did, but when destiny calls, it sure won't wait. The driver ended up losing control of the vehicle on a turn which was on an unpaved road. That turn just happened to be next to a steep hill where there was a river at the bottom, 75 feet down. I couldn't imagine how the crash was or what went through their minds, but I know they had to be terrified.

Here is where this takes an even darker turn. As the police closed in on the crash location, the officers saw the car submerged in the river. They got what vehicles, equipment, and human resources they could to get to the vehicle or tow it out of the river. When they got to the car, they noticed there was no one in it or around it. Not long after, media crews spotted a wet girl standing in the road leading up to the crash. As they identified her as a passenger and asked questions, they learned about the identities of everyone who was in the car. So they set out to each of the homes of the passengers.

My mind can't begin to comprehend what events follow. When they went to each person's house, they found each at home without a trace or even a phone call to inform anyone what had happened. Still, when an officer arrived at our house, he was staring at a worried mother who prayed Kristina got in trouble and they were bringing her home. No one could ever brace themselves to hear she was missing. My mother did what any mother would do; she joined the search.

It continued long into the night which our mom sent Kara and me back home to be with an aunt and get some sleep because she wasn't going to until she found her little girl. About 10 or 11 hours after the crash, they finally found her. She was five miles downstream. My mother was part of the group that found her and pulled her out. Kristina was 13 years and one month old when she passed away. Thirteen is far too you to take away the life and innocence of a little girl. Kids manage to see good in everyone and are blind to the evils this world holds in the shadows.

Why did they find my sister face down in the river but found everyone else safe at home? No one called the police and said there had been an accident. What's even more incomprehensible and infuriating is that no one thought to make sure Kristina got out safe. They left her for dead and left a family to mourn the loss of a loved one forever. The driver was arrested and charged with involuntary manslaughter. He ended up serving less than two years, while my family and I have spent the last twenty-five grieving and making sure we light a candle and release a balloon on Kristina's birthday.

My sisters' death pushed my family in a direction none of us would even notice until decades later, and even then, I think I'm the only one who can connect the dots in how our lives would unfold. Losing her first child ruined my mom. She has had a piece of her ripped away, and it's a void that will never be filled. So she filled it with hard drugs to numb that empty feeling she had. After that day, she became cold and loved her other kids less. She always loved us, but none of her kids were "Kristina."

Having trauma at an early age, as I did, created mental health issues that would soon be rooted deep into what makes me today. I've always had an impeccable memory. The oldest memory I have is asking when sissy will come home cause I wanted to play. I didn't understand completely. My next memory is of her funeral. I thought she was sleeping there in that bed with a door shut over just half of her. But I have no memories myself of the time I spent with her before she died, only those my mother tells me even though each word she says cuts like a knife to her own heart.

I know deep in my heart if Kristina were still here, she would be my best friend. Now I only get to see her in my dreams.

I suffer from major depression and have become co-dependent due to that event. Co-dependent because the ice that swallowed my mother's heart stopped her from giving me the love I needed at the most influential age. I know she loved me, but even as a child, I knew that she always wore a mask and that I couldn't fill the void Kristina left. It didn't matter how much I tried. I eventually felt like my mother hated me, and I've even been told that it should have been me. But I agree. I wish it were me too. Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard for my family cause they only had me in their lives for barely three years compared to the thirteen they had with my sister.

Depression turned into thoughts of suicide that became a religious feeling. At 23, I started doing heroin. It was the closest I could get to dying without actually doing it myself. The first time I overdosed, my heart stopped, and I quit breathing for a minute or so. In that short amount of time, I saw my sister for the first time in twenty years. I walked towards her and tried to grab her hand, but she dropped hers to her side. Then she said something. She said, "Not yet. It isn't time for you to come with me." I have tried to replicate that same experience a dozen times and had been revived each time, feeling emptier than I did the last.

There isn't anything in this world I wouldn't give or do to have my sister back. My whole life has seemed meaningless since she left us. I'm almost 30 now and still don't have a home or even a car. It is hard to muster motivation every day when I wake up every day wishing I didn't. Sleep is the only peace my mind gets, and when I go, it will be an eternal sleep just as the one big sis is also in.

I know now that when it is my time, she will greet me as the world fades to black, and I don't have to hurt anymore. Until that day comes, I'm trying everything I can to make sure she is proud of me when I join her. Everything I do, I'm doing it for her. This will be the first story of my thought and life I have written, and I am doing it for my sister Kristina.

THE FAMILY AND I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SIS. ESPECIALLY MOM. SHE KEPT A CHINA CABINET WITH SOME NIK NAKS YOU HAD, AND IT STILL SMELLS LIKE YOU. NONE OF US WILL EVER FORGET YOU. I HOPE I DON'T KEEP YOU WAITING TOO LONG BECAUSE I KNOW YOU MISS US TOO. I LOVE YOU