Mr. Bloom's Diary

But for some reason, I've always felt that I don't love them. In fact, I don't even know if I've ever truly felt that I did.

I don't know whether this is a lack of love, a lack of closeness or connection, or simply a difference in our personalities.

It started years ago… I began to slowly lose interest in many things I used to enjoy, like walking, watching series, working out, reading , learning anything new or useful for myself and my life.

And now I’ve reached this point… I literally have no desire to do anything at all… even though I know I should be doing many things to improve my life and my future.

Six months with no job, and without improving my skills to help me find a better one… even though the resources are available. I have a great PC that makes learning anything I need easy… but I have no desire. I don’t enjoy anything anymore.

The worst part is that I actually know, to a large extent, some of the reasons behind what I’ve become now… phone and social media addiction, pornography addiction, leaving myself alone with my thoughts and my mind, constantly seeking to be around others… and recently, a severe vitamin D deficiency—which, when low, makes my depression and lethargy much worse.

But I feel trapped here… no desire for anything… and unfortunately, I don’t even have a goal or a point I’m trying to reach.

I’m 23, and I still don’t even know what I want my life to look like… I don’t know what kind of life would make me happy… I don’t know if the major I graduated from (with honors, by the way) is actually what I want or what I want to work in.

I haven’t found a job yet, while all my friends have been employed and started moving on with their lives—except for me, still standing in the same place without any progress.

I could have used these 6 months to develop myself and work more on my portfolio, but instead I chose to waste my time on trivial things and blame myself for being stuck.

Six months of my life were lost without taking a single step forward—on the contrary, I started falling back even more. I gained weight, and depression took a stronger and stronger hold on me.

I hate that I can't love, hate, or control my feelings toward the people around me

I don't know how people can love themselves

I don't know who I am in life… or where I am… or what I am.

There are so many shitty things in my life I wish I could change.

I start my day full of energy, telling myself I have to get better, improve, and become the best version of myself…