I had a negative thought today. A few minutes ago as i was dancing in the mirror, having some fun, and as i looked into the mirror and i lifted my t shirt and revealed my waist and i thought god ur so ugly, which us weird bc im pretty skinny 49kg, maybe less, pretty flat, not an ounce of fat rolls on my waist. And still that thought occurred to me, and in that moment i spend the rest of my one and a half song, thinking about that, trying to counteract it, i chose me and my husband, and when mitski said i steal a few breaths and then ill be gone forever, it hits me, it will be just that, a few breaths. A few breaths is all i have, and i just spent a bunch with those thoughts, thoughts that are genuinely not mine, bc why did i think that? Oh i know why, its been fed to me by the media all my life, that yes you gotta be skinny, but thats not enough u gotta have a small nose, so i did just that and went under the knife for that, then it was how curly hair is unruly, so now i have a blowout every time i go out, looks pretty nice and im pretty happy with it, but who told me my curly hair was not pretty? And why do i think i look prettier with a blowout?! Its not enough that im skinny, i also need to have the ass and the hips and the boobs, because thats all the boys around me think about, it is engrained in them too. So while they get to live their twenties, i stand infront of a mirror mid dance to cuss out my body. This is not some sort of let’s embrace what we are and how we look, because thats pretty darn hard when ur getting bombarded by the opposite of that from every screen, in the boys that i like, and my own conscious and unconscious.
I simply wanna say, u dont gotta worry about that right now, and for all that matters you are one hell of a pretty girl, and u see proof of it everyday. I love you just the way you are, but if you wanna hit the gym or change some things about urself, then fuck it do just that. U r here and u steal a few breaths and then you are gone, all your thoughts and memories, do what you want while ur here. That thought felt always out of me, it was waswas maybe, maybe ur own negative thoughts, whatever it was every single bone in ur body is repulsed by it. Im writing this post with my the same bones and tendons and ligaments that are so eager to write all this down as a rejection of that single thought. My brain brain came up with all of this, word for word as defense against the fallacy this is. Every. Single. Atom. Of. Your. Being. Is. Screaming. At. That. Injustice. Pls remember this.
Mangosh is on my chest, leaning and ready to be petted, and thats exactly what you too need. A petting, a loving gentle kiss.
This is my love letter to my body. That i stood here today wrote a paragraph against one fallacy that was spoken against you. And i will stand by that till the day that i die and rot and u disappear into nothing. Until ur bones are crumbled and into the universe it goes back. Allah this is my declaration of love to myself, allah dont ever let a negative thought dare to come up again, and when it does me and you together are putting and end it to it.
