the hater zone @mothranting - Tumblr Blog

my mom wants me to cancel on our workout thing but also is upset with me because she feels like I won't work out at all if this happens & idk how to say that. like. I like working out & only don't because everyone is so judgemental about it + I'm depressed

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I'm doing so good and not being an evil hater I'm so.brave and normal

ugghhhh i feel evil because i hate sleeping on call but one of my gfs keeps asking to do this and i have to tell her im not feeling it.. i just can't sleep through the night when i'm on call & i can't hang up in the morning without feeling like an asshole when i have nothing going on in the day & i'm like. idk. i am not made to be in discord calls all night & all day even if this is a Dating Thing for some people do most people do this.. is this just an online dating thing.. am i going to hell when i die

mothranting

doesn't help that someone I consider a friend is doing some fucking bullshit & I'm too scared to say anything about it

mothranting

like I genuinely feel like I'm going insane but everyone I've talked with abt this has agreed with me I'm just. this is nooooot a conversation I wanna have and I feel like the asshole for feeling the way I do but I've already talked about it so talking about it more feels like it's not gonna do anything but oh my god . I'm gonna go insane .

mothranting

idk I just keep looping back on it & I feel really deeply disrespected because this is something this friend likely would have known about me and yet idk I'm just kind of in awe

mothranting

doesn't help that someone I consider a friend is doing some fucking bullshit & I'm too scared to say anything about it

mothranting

like I genuinely feel like I'm going insane but everyone I've talked with abt this has agreed with me I'm just. this is nooooot a conversation I wanna have and I feel like the asshole for feeling the way I do but I've already talked about it so talking about it more feels like it's not gonna do anything but oh my god . I'm gonna go insane .

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doesn't help that someone I consider a friend is doing some fucking bullshit & I'm too scared to say anything about it

#won't get into that but it's making me feel very. idk Shocked I guess? Disappointed?#feeling very taken aback by this one ngl it's a hard conversation to have to think about having and I don't. want #to do that #not about anybody here if you know abt this blog this isn't abt you

feeling hopeless again Sighs.

#hashtag. feeling like a disappointment to my family You know how it is here #turning 21 in almost exactly a month and I still haven't managed to get a job or learn to drive #and part of this is because I don't apply myself enough I think #I need a license but I can't work up the courage to drive. it's hard for me.#but my parents won't let me get a non driver id so I just have my permit which I can't renew again So Like.#sighs.#idk what to do about any of it and I know I'm comparatively a failure so #hashtag Whatever!!#I will never live up to my sister even though she's younger and I'm supposed to feel normal abt that?#like I'm happy for her. she's making me proud. but also I feel horrible guilt for not being able to also exceed milestones #and meet expectations. for being almost 21 and not having a job. for being almost 21 and not being able to drive.#& it's all stuff I wouldn't blame people I care about for but it's different when it's me #I just can't imagine anyone would be surprised if I didn't make it to 22. is all. and idk if it would be that big of a loss.#I won't do it though I'd never have the courage. I tell myself it's because I make plans in advance for everything but like #we all know it's just because I'm too scared of it hurting. of it not working. of having to live with that.#I wouldn't even be able to kill myself right 💙 I'm so pathetic 💙#it's just ridiculous how little I feel like anything matters & how miserable I am & how disgusting I am for it really #like. I'm not in a bad spot. I'm not actively being abused. I know people care about me. why am I so miserable.#but it feels like every fucking day I'm reminded how little I actually matter #and how much it feels like my family is growing to resent me #it's just so. I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I could do anything at all about it but I can't and I guess I just need to accept that #maybe someday my future won't be Nothing but that day hasn't come yet I'm still good for absolutely nothing

mooned-knights

we have to hold the line on misandry not being real. it's getting scary out there

ohmy god oww ow ow ow

#cramps. owwwch

I also need to remember that nothing I say or think can be trusted in the summer

#SUMMER SEASONAL DEPRESSION !!

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whoever keeps not flushing so the toilet gets clogged I'm gonna kill you

#I keep not realizing & then having to deal with it -_- ive been so out of it lately that I almost didn't catch it Water all over the floor #it was Yucky and I had to clean it Bleeeghk #I think it was my sister #I don't even use that much toilet paper!!!!!!

mothranting

me when i have to do a thing. so i go and do the thing i have to do. and then many hours later someone goes "hey you were supposed to do this other thing as a step of doing the thing and nobody ever told you this but i'm mad at you anyway" cool. great. wuatever.

mothranting

it feels like I'm just not allowed to make mistakes.. & whatever I do is Bad... and I'm supposed to not explain myself & have a conversation about it but also if I don't say anything I'm not being responsive enough. maybe the solution is to just go "oh otay" and then shut up.... but if I do things without asking 1 billion clarifying steps I get in trouble & if I don't do them at all it's "why don't you ever do anything" and if I Do ask any questions and clarify stuff it's "you're an adult you shouldn't need us to tell you how to do everything take initiative and do stuff on your own" I can't do shit in this house and my parents treat me like a baby and then wonder why I don't ever do anything & get mad that I'm not able to be an independent adult as well as they could when they were my age

mothranting

& I hate depression posting but I swear sometimes it feels like I just don't have any solutions. will I just have to be dead weight forever until I die

#like I hate to say it but it feels like. it's true. I can't find a job I can't drive what good am I.#like do I bring an actual tangible value... no not really #maybe I'm fun to be around sometimes. maybe I'm creative. this is not providing monetary value in any way.#it feels like I'm just a particularly charismatic leech. and the thing about that is I'm sure someday my family will be tired of having #a leech drinking their blood. and get rid of me.#and I don't want to have to live like this forever. i hate drinking blood. I don't want to be a parasite #after this year I will simply stop asking for things I think. if I don't need it to physically survive I just won't say anything #and if I will die without it I will find the cheapest possible way to get it #I don't deserve any better 💙#tbh starting right now I think. I will do this.#i have enough as it is. i don't need more.

mothranting

me when i have to do a thing. so i go and do the thing i have to do. and then many hours later someone goes "hey you were supposed to do this other thing as a step of doing the thing and nobody ever told you this but i'm mad at you anyway" cool. great. wuatever.

mothranting

it feels like I'm just not allowed to make mistakes.. & whatever I do is Bad... and I'm supposed to not explain myself & have a conversation about it but also if I don't say anything I'm not being responsive enough. maybe the solution is to just go "oh otay" and then shut up.... but if I do things without asking 1 billion clarifying steps I get in trouble & if I don't do them at all it's "why don't you ever do anything" and if I Do ask any questions and clarify stuff it's "you're an adult you shouldn't need us to tell you how to do everything take initiative and do stuff on your own" I can't do shit in this house and my parents treat me like a baby and then wonder why I don't ever do anything & get mad that I'm not able to be an independent adult as well as they could when they were my age

#not even getting into how hellish it is when I can't drive & nobody will hire me

me when i have to do a thing. so i go and do the thing i have to do. and then many hours later someone goes "hey you were supposed to do this other thing as a step of doing the thing and nobody ever told you this but i'm mad at you anyway" cool. great. wuatever.

talking to my mom about things i want to do so i can make money is like pulling my teetj out

#she always like. gets Weird about it #she wants me to make money but she gets weird whenever i go 'oh i was thinking about doing xyz'#and then i dont do it. because she was weird

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I forgot I have a shocking inability to accept/process changes in plan

#internet went out the day I was gonna hang out with friends & play drch5 and I'm about to start peeling paint off the walls and eating it #I Could use my data but I feel like I'd get in trouble. despite the fact that we have unlimited data w/ a decent amount of hotspot allowance #because I was told that I could use it if I Need it. and technically this isn't a need. even if I feel like I'm gonna explode

sighs reallyreally heavily

#nothing i feel like getting into here stuff w/ a friend i didnt see until now because it was in a server i dont talk in much #not like. huge deal level stuff but im just. -_- ok

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