It never should have come to this

This is basically a public diary where I voice everything I don’t want to say on my more light hearted blog

I am not trying to be extra morbid or anything but in the 247 years that the United States of America has been a country there has officially been 18-20 years TOTAL where the US of A has not been involved in or instigating war that means of the 90,155 (ish) days we have been around we have had 6570-7300 days of peace. That is not even the length of a single generation. That is not one whole life knowing peace.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I was not supposed to live this long

I miss getting railed in the back of an empty movie theater at the climax of the film (preferably horror)

I think I understand the phrase “to feel the passage of time”. There have been moments in my life where I have felt the clock of my life ticking in the background (kind of like Unus Annus) and at moments where you are close to the end or when you are hyper aware of the end is when it sounds the loudest. One of those times was the day I started high school.

I lost my cat Storm this year in March and I still miss her everyday. But I am realizing that if I hadn’t lost her when I did I wouldn’t have made space in my heart for our cat Honey to come into our lives. It is tragic the way she went but I think this might have been the way it was supposed to be

Sometimes we don’t get to know why. But gods I wish I knew the reason I wasn’t good enough for you to stay

My grandma has been in another state with some friends having fun and I am so happy she is out there doing it but having her away for a month has given me a glimpse into the horror that my life without her will be like. I understand why some people never survive their grief

I envy my child that they have so many friends close enough to walk to. I remember having that when I lived in a smaller city and went outside everyday. Now I am an adult who is afraid of being outside and around people

Why does every group commune need to be horrible? Why can’t we have just 1 community commune that actually is all about love and supporting eachother. Why does it always have to be about either cults or racism or both?

Why do I feel so useless. I have never lived on my own. I started out moving into my ex mother in laws house, and when I got divorced I moved back home. My 3 siblings and grandma and I all live together. Life is so good but why does it feel like I am not being enough of an adult?

I probably would take a pill that made me a mindless zombie - as long as I don’t need to think about anything. Why would I care about not feeling anything when the medicine makes me not care about whether or not I feel? I feel like I am just waiting to die sometimes. Laying in bed and dreading closing my eyes because I am so worried that I won’t wake up. And I love my life. But living life is hard. Making decisions every fuckin day is hard. I just want someone to tell me to do something so I don’t have to be in charge anymore

When I was still single and really lonely I would get on Chatroulette and chat with strangers. I remember once I met a guy who was so nice I felt like I was in love (in the way you fall in love with a stranger) and we talked for hours. At the time Chatroulette had a time limit on how long you could be in one conversation. The time ended before we could even exchange information and I regret it. I am sure he doesn’t think about me anymore but I think about him from time to time.

My grandma turned 69 and then her sister was diagnosed with cancer. She is voluntarily flying across the country to help take care of her sister while she is going through treatment and I love my grandma so damn much y’all. She is actually the best person I know.