richie tozier fires his straight ghostwriter and hires me. here’s his set
any over 40s in the house tonight? can we get the lights up on the crowd? houselights up, i wanna see some receding hairlines. you, with the crows’ feet, i have a question for you. what is it about hitting 40 that completely revolutionizes your internet history? used to be, id go on vacation for a weekend and i’d get a frantic call from pornhub because id been missing my thrice-daily dick appointments with the milf category and their site traffic was plummeting. now i watch porn sites once a week, as scheduled on my google calendar, just for those 2 seconds between when the page loads and your adblock kicks in, where you can still see the male enhancement drugs for sale in the sidebar. and i, like, think about it.
the thing people ask me most since i came out, question i get the most is what my boyfriend thinks of my stand up, and the answer is he hates it. he’s never laughed at anything ive ever said and it is so hot. real yoko ono.
people always say that in a derogatory way, “oh, she’s a real yoko ono,” as if yoko ono wasnt right. imagine fucking a beatle while they were at the height of their international fame and then telling him his music was dogshit. she did what nobody else would. “but he doesn’t support your endeavors!” nothing could prove to me more that that i’m supported than if eddie’s rampant distaste for every word out of my mouth inadvertently results in my assassination. that’s how you know you’ve made it, if people want you dead. ive been writing that career goal in my diary, curly script in sparkle gel pen, since i was 6
i want to take a second to be real with you guys, i want to apologize. ive been talking so much about my sex life tonight, which is crass, and it’s, yknow, lowbrow. it’s just that it’s new for me and im excited about it, right, but im sure you guys must be cringing. it’s alienating when someone’s happy about getting their dick wet and you’ve still never had sex, i know. i’ve been there. turns out, no one here has had sex before, actually. my stage presence attracts exclusively adult virgins, it’s true. we focus-grouped it. my agent gave me my demographic breakdown and i was flipping through the write-ups, looking at the age group graphic, the political lean. and when i got to the page titled sex, it just said “no.” not even one of you. that’s tough. it’s tough to relate when i fuck nonstop, and im sorry for rubbing it in
