Mostly Not Here

Leslie Feinberg on trans exclusion in feminist spaces.

“We’re in danger of losing what the entire second wave of feminism, what the entire second wave of women’s liberation was built on, and that was ‘Biology is not destiny’. ‘One is not born a woman,’ Simone de Beauvoir said, ‘one becomes one’. Now there’s some place where transsexual women and other women intersect. Biological determinism has been used for centuries as a weapon against women, in order to justify a second-class and oppressed status. How on Earth, then, are you going to pick up the weapon of biological determinism and use it to liberate yourself? It’s a reactionary tool.”

Steel Wheels!

A man in a wheelchair with steel wheels, c.1900

I know fear of abandonment is like The Thing for bpd but I feel like sometimes between all the joking and memes about it some people are getting the wrong ideas about how they should treat their fp?

I see a lot of posts saying things like “if you don’t respond to a text from someone with bpd then you’re abusive” and “if you leave a borderline you’re abusive!” And honestly while I can see where people are coming from with that I have some major issues with it.

Because the bottom line is someone being your fp does not automatically bind them to you. They don’t owe you everything. They are human too, they will make mistakes. It’s unavoidable. I know that’s going to piss some people off but it’s true.

Furthermore I don’t like the tone of posts like that because I would hate the thought of my fp reading something like that and thinking that their honest human errors qualify as abusive behavior towards me. I don’t want them to think that their health and problems are inherently lesser and should take a back burner to mine. And above all I don’t want them to ever think that they have to stay with me. Is it wrong to leave someone just because they have mental illness? Yeah, but it’s also just as bad to force someone who wants to leave to stay with you just because you have mental illness. Their feelings matter too.

Your fp did not choose to be your fp. So please remember that they’re trying. I know that’s hard to accept, especially if you’re splitting, but it’s essential. I’m not calling anyone out specifically. I just feel like there are a few posts that are spreading some misconceptions I guess. This is isn’t about any specific post, just in general as I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.

tl;dr: Your fp is human. Please remember and try to take them off of their pedestal. Respect them and know that it is not their job to put your happiness before theirs. It hurts sometimes but any relationship, romantic friendship or other, requires compromise on both ends. It can be hard if you’re splitting or upset but the best you can do is try.

Basically, gender and sexuality is WEIRD, y’all.

(Note: a lot of the back and forth definitely happened before I started really growing out my beard, so maybe having my “current” look in the first panel isn’t quite accurate.)

If you can, please consider supporting me on Patreon so I can make more art!

My husband used to yell when he got frustrated, but after I explained to him that I found it upsetting, he stopped yelling and started consciously working on asking for help before he got to that level of frustration.

When I’m upset over something, or just in a bad mood, I tend to withdraw. My husband explained to me that it makes him feel like I’m mad at him, so now when I need some space, I’ll tell him what I’m upset about, or that I’m in a bad mood for no particular reason, and I need to be alone for a little while.