Mostly Bullshit

I've decided not to rant on this blog unless it's necessary

This is a bullshit blog

If I talk to her I know I'll fall in love with her because I already have and forever will be and I can't go back. We tried when we didn't have a fucking clue what we were doing and now we can't go back no matter how much I want to. Most importantly I don't know how she feels. If she's moved on or still loves me too. I doubt it, not out of self hatred thinking I wasn't memorable or anything. I take her word for all the things she told me. But she's gorgeous and hilarious and kind and everything I'll never be able to describe but feel instead like a home is to a family or a mother to a daughter and vice versa and I love her. I wouldn't ask anything from her even though I want to more than anything else in the world. I'm afraid of losing her more than I have let go.

My school system is literally and statistically one of the worst in the country. Amazing.

I need to take a break

Now I'm just mostly irrationally pissed. I'll get over it soon.

I'm going to puke and cry and repeat until my innards resemble how they feel right now. There is so much pressure on me to be BETTER than everyone BETTER than possible BETTER than I am BETTER than I can achieve. I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PATHETIC BITCH IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT YOU DONT DESERVE IT. YOU CANT DO IT. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. be strong be strong be strong be strong. Please please please please STOP YOU WEAK SLUT W n So pathetic. Such a disgusting bitch. What the fuck do you think you're going to do when you don't even work for anything. Disgusting. Filthy. Selfish. Greedy. Pathetic.

im so fucked there's too much stress on school. its bullshit, its absolute bullshhit. i dont want to be a part of this. i dont i dont want this. sstopw hy wont it stop please please please please

I've been having trouble breathing. I don't think its from my corset, I think it's from breathing in all the smoke when I burned that charcoal art piece.

I believe everyone has three levels that define their humanity. What they deserve, what they give (morally), and what they receive (situationally). In a world of perfect equality all of these levels would be the same for everyone. In this world what people deserve is the same for everyone at birth. It is only when what they take exceeds over a moral level that they deserve less. Their moral level is what defines them as deserving of what they receive. Perception also has these three same levels. Prejudice is what defines the perception of another person's deserving rate, outward expression is what defines the perception of your receiving rate, and everything else including morality, personality, extraversion, and social interaction. Mostly morality, as it itself dictates the rest of those categories. Today's world has low perception rates in all categories. In reality our deserving rate is much higher on average, our receiving rate is much higher, and our giving rate is slightly less. To rationalize my personal morals and beliefs into a system is controversial on success. Success isn't exactly the word though. More like good. Is it okay. Is it acceptable. Healthy. Yeah that's the word. But it's better this way than any other abstract construction presented in a glorified mess. Aka teenage reasoning. However i question it's health because it allows me to rationalize immoral behavior.

The words of a dead man seem wiser because it is assumed that he lived

It is at what cost to teach someone our morals that we define them as good or evil. With an infinite amount of patience there is no sin, only ignorance.

I've been keeping notes on my phone where I record these kinds of things, so I'm going to transfer some over here that I feel are important and build on that. 

I've been through a lot and using the only necessarily outstanding or special quality I have, which is learning quickly, I feel that I can understand what a lot of people need. That's why I started this blog, if anyone needs help with anything I can help. It's also a place where I can figure things out. The only thing I won't be doing is revealing who I am, so I guess you can call me Elizabeth idk yeah sure. 

Dear taylor, I'm still sorry and I'm still thankful.