Via carrier pigeon

I’m so conflicted between making an attempt to save their relationship, or to slowly work my friend out of it. I know it sounds crazy to save a relationship with a cheater, but I genuinely believe in change as much as he does. His bf clearly has issues and I think the full picture isn’t entirely painted yet. Although it’s like, I love him a little too much, and something in me with grandiosity says I can manage to slowly pull him to me instead

I wanna say I’m out of his league but we’re close, like really close. He even still has all the photos of us when we were younger, and it relit something in me when he recently shared them. I remember touching his bare back once and feeling his ribs and spine, even laying up against his chest on my bed. I also remember the night we slept on his trampoline but switched to his cramped bed while listening to Alex G. I huddled as close to the wall as I could, as much as I wanted to curl up around him.

A friend told me about how him and his buddies got stuck in the canyons because their camp leader was stupid with directions, he was a dude in his 40’s-60’s too... You’d think he’d know better. They ran out of water insanely fast and started resorting to drinking their own piss. He said he didn’t drink any piss but I don’t know how much I believe him. Actually he doesn’t seem too much of a piss guzzler, but he’s an ass eater. Great guy.

Told me on the second hangout about how much he loved to eat his gfs ass when I kept feeding him cigarettes. Guts were spilled over 12 cigarettes and pizza. Oh and same gf, like a month ago she broke up with him and attempted overdosing. In result, she lost her memory of why she was mad at him and they got back together. Sketchy, no???

I’m basically friends with their mom who rants to me about her personal life everytime I come over. It’s kinda odd to me that she looks up to me for advice because Im so used to being infantilized by my own family, but my advice worked cause she finally kicked out her shitty renters in the duplex. The Dads a bit odd cause he’s part of a polygamist cult, but we’re chill. The little sister is my friend too cause she annoys me to come w her on the trampoline whenever I visit, older sisters not so much because one lives in AZ and the other lives with her rarely see them.

Nobody knows this but I was crushing on the one who has a bf SO badly at one point because she used to smile at me everytime she saw me. We almost never talked cause I’m a shy loser, I’d just smile back. She once started screaming at her mom in the car during Halloween and I thought that was hot cause I’m a total freak. But anyways, she’s a cheerleader and I think that says enough. 😭😭

People who are diagnosed can get away with ALOT, and I’m honestly just saying that cause I pity them too much to hold them accountable. I know shouldn’t do this, but some people really do things involuntarily due to their disorders. But when you aren’t diagnosed, you can be so easily misinterpreted. It makes me straight up miserable when people assume things about me, straying from my words because I did x, y, z, as if they know me better than myself.

I guess for context I should mention that in late 2025 I was in a group of people who had an interest in criminals, I don’t know if saying the abbreviation is going to get me nerfed so I’m just gonna call it that. In result my ex was worried I was going to kill him, apparently? He didn’t tell me that because he doesn’t tell me anything he’s worried about, but my friend did. Whatever, I just let that slide right on by because his background with his parents says enough for why he fears making confrontation. I’ve never threatened him, yelled at him, even mention a word about wanting to do that. I even explained that it was due to the terror and paranoia of losing my dad in our last conversation but he failed to understand and probably continues to assume things about me with his friends…And a friend with a lying habit that he apparently had ongoing beef with? I’ll get into that another time it’s weeeird man

Anyways, I was in that community because I was spiraling, found an outlet to vent to others who understood me and my background better than anyone I’ve met outside of the community has. It’s often stigmatized that the people in this community are idealizing violence, and ofc there’s definitely going to be people like that, but unironically, people who made plans in hopes for infamy were bullied out of it by people in the same community.

Truth is, it’s just a closely knit group of people who often have a shared trauma, relating to perpetrators backgrounds as a way for comfort. It’s not seen as morally right to people outside the community, especially with all the edits and fanart, and obviously isn’t a safe way to cope. But, I had hit a wall trying to find ways to deal with my constant distress. No therapist, no support group, no family I can trust, no close friends that weren’t already dealing with their own issues, it came naturally that I was trying to seek help from strangers.

I keep fantasizing about my friend hurting me. Amazing first post ik guys

 I did something real mean to him a few months ago, he blocked me, and I came back and apologized when I hit rock bottom because I thought that was it for me. I guess it was almost a suicide note, for the fact that I was considering a method I wasn’t entirely settled on because it had a 50/50 chance of turning me into a vegetable. FYI I’m not doing that because I promised like 7 people I’d be going to college and I was in a bad spot at the time