independent,  canon  divergent,  and  heavily  headcanon  based  BIANCA  DI  ANGELO  of  riordanverse.      adored  by  sena,  20,  she/her.      

medium  activity,  mutuals-only.      NSFW  and  dark  themes  present,  trigger  warnings  tagged  as  ‘x  tw’.      you  can  find  my  carrd   here,  and  you  can  find  me  in  my  multi-muse  @zeitkeist​.

a   study   in   :   afterlife,   underworld,   comfort,   peace,   loneliness,   grief,   being   out   of   time,   war,   trauma,   religion,   death,   loss   of   a   parent,   family,   survival,   love,   friendship,   siblings,   connection,   balance.   while   this   blog   tackles   heavy   subjects,   i   try   my   best   to   tag   them   all,   and   they   are   crucial   elements   to   bianca’s   stories   that   cannot   be   removed.   so   please,   proceed   with   caution.

name:   sena.  star sign:    a libra queen, fortunately. height:    around 5′3 or 5′4 i think it’s been ages since i last checked. middle name:   i do have one, it’s old and it literally means ‘ the one who remembers.’ put your spotify on shuffle. first 6 songs?:   cocaine jesus // rainbow kitten surprise  ,  corps // yseult  ,  cold love // rainbow kitten surprise  ,  affection // between friends  ,  in all my dreams i drown // jessica lowndes  ,  white winter hymnal // fleet foxes. ever had a poem / song written about you?:  i have vague memories of a few poems but i’m not sure lmao. when was the last time you played air guitar?:   ages... a sound you hate and a sound you love?:   sirens // fireplace. do you believe in ghosts?:   i try not to. how about aliens?:    why not. do you drive?:  i do have a license but i don’t have a car so not as much as i would like to. if so, have you ever crashed?:   nope! i’d like to consider myself a good driver. what was the last book you read?:    the dream thieves by maggie stiefvater. do you like the smell of gasoline?:   i do... what was the last movie you saw?:    uuh i can’t remember actually but it might be wilde. what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?:    i legit cut off a piece of my pinky finger’s knuckle while i was doing the dishes because a plate broke. it has been 3 months. it is covered with skar tissue but. it does Not heal. it is hollow in there no nothing it’s annoying me so much. do you have any obsessions right now?:   academics. no, seriously, i’m studying my ass off. obsessed with this major. ( english language and literature.) do you tend to hold grudges?:   i do. in a relationship?:   nope! 

tagged by: my beloved @lorelast​ <3​

UNABASHED  IN  HER  CHASTISE,  the  longer  the  days  grow  where  time  turns  the  dusk  to  dawn,  more  often  bianca  finds  herself  wondering  if  the  hands  that  applaud  &  cheer  for  the  angel  of  the  ice  rink  know  that  she  has  a  ruthless,  demanding  side.  she  wonders  if  it  would  have  made  any  difference,  if  they  did.  because  even  now,  when  bianca’s  alarm  is  relentlessly  buzzing  on  the  nightstand  at  exactly  six  thirty  in  the  morning  at  the  wake  of  the  sun,  she  finds  it  impossible  to  take  a  glance  at  the  half  asleep  woman  besides  her  that  is  not  shy  to  murmur  her  displease,  and  ever  want  to  leave  the  blankets  they  are  buried  underneath.  though,  this  is  new,  bianca  will  admit,    too  sincere  for  the  strings  zoya  usually  enjoys  to  pull,  a  kiss  given  in  the  dark  of  the  night  to  vanish  by  the  light,  leaving  her  burning  &  disappearing  with  a  sweet  smile,  all  ties  thin  enough  to  be  cut  with  a  nonchalant  wave  of  her  hand.  bianca  considers  herself  to  be  better  at  it  than  she  used  to  be,  knowing  the  right  steps  to  the  figure  skater’s  unrelenting  program,  to  play  at  her  dance  and  manage  to  slip  out  of  it  without  the  sharp  edge  of  her  skates’  keen  blades.

and  it  requires  something  like  this;  bianca  reaching  a  lazy  hand  out  to  find  her  phone,  and  rub  a  single  eye  to  blink  and  manage  to  turn  it  off,  planning  to  sneak  out  of  bed  with  the  same  precision,  get  dressed,  and  head  out  for  the  practice.  if  she  thought  ravens  was  torture,  the  us  court  can  be  referred  to  as  the  new  layer  of  hell.  at  least  she  did  not  have  to  sit  in  a  room  with  the  duo  that  deserve  an  award  at  awakening  homicidal  rage  in  her  within  mere  minutes,  andrew  minyard  &  neil  josten  even  more  unbearable  than  she  thought  them  to  be.  a  misfortune.  but  still,  not  a  misfortune  big  enough  to  keep  her  from  slowly  pushing  the  covers  back,  making  a  mental  note  to  leave  zoya  a  note  to  lock  up  before  she  leaves.  

ENTRY   :    A VERY DESCRIPTIVE PROFILE OF YOUR MUSE. repost   with   the   information   of   your   muse   ,   including   headcanons   ,   etc.   if   you   fail   to   achieve   some   of   the   facts   ,   add   some   other   of   your   own!

NAME.   bianca di angelo. AGE.   20′s. SPECIES.   demigod. GENDER.   female, she/her.  ORIENTATION.   bisexual. INTERESTS.   music ( she plays the violin specifically ) , botanics, archery practices, team sports, religion as a rhetoric study, rituals of death and differences among cultures as a study, spiritual practices. PROFESSION.   hunter of artemis ( formerly ), ambassador of hades, necromancer. BODY TYPE.   lithe. she has a graceful and lean figure, archery has given her toned shoulders and a rather refined upper body. she is nimble on her feet and is a talented gymnast due to her flexibility. EYES.   tsavorite green. doe eyes, long lashes, expressive. HAIR.   raven black, too much volume, wavy. it is usually styled into a loosened french braid, or a half up bun, or a high ponytail. it is cut bit higher than shoulder length in her late teens, but during her twenties she lets it grow down to the small of her back. SKIN.   olive skin, but it has never looked as it was supposed to as a day in her life due to poor health and her inherited sickly, pale look. the longer she spends time in the underworld the paler she gets, and on the occasion that she pushes a bit too far with her shadow traveling & power management, it goes completely translucent and it fades in & out like a ghost. during the time she spends in the hunters, she has a glowing halo around her just like the rest of the hunters. FACE.   bianca’s face is... eerie at best. she looks like a colored photograph from the 30s with her bone structure, thick & expressive eyebrows, judgmental doe eyes that stare right into people’s souls, straight nose & hollow cheeks that enhance her sharp cheekbones and defined jawline. she has faded out freckles beneath her eyes that come back when she spends some summer time under the sun, and has bow shaped lips with a defined cupid’s bow. HEIGHT.   5′7. COMPANIONS.   hunters of artemis, chthonic deities, cerberus, her hellhound cat i need to write a meta about... her brother nico, her sister hazel. sometimes dionysus. ANTAGONISTS.   zeus, olympians in general. she is good at picking fights so anyone who is hostile toward her is an antagonist to her. orion. enemies of artemis & apollon since she  COLORS.   white, silver, gold, black. FRUITS.   tangerines and cherries. DRINKS.   nectar, moonwater, water. ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES?   bourbon on the rocks, whiskey and white wine in general SMOKES?   sometimes. DRUGS?   yes, actually. her cigarettes are usually laced depending on the occasion. DRIVERS LICENSE?   yes, for manual cars. 

TAGGED BY   :    @dvaurga​ thank u sm this was so so fun <3

this is what the entire thing going forward hinges on      -     the answers to her questions     ,      and her answers to the one they are asking in return   .    it has always been a back and forth    ,    push and pull     ,    even back when gray spent most of their days annoying her into bothering with them and then even longer days to figure out how they could make her see them as something more but the nuisance in her daily schedule   .    it was work they loved to do    ,    earning that place by her side and then falling in love with her alongside it like a duck touching water for the first and never wanting to get out of it again afterwards   .    bianca has reeled them in    ,    her icy and prickly nature like a wall and then all the warmth and softness lining her like roses beneath   .  she has been a dark forest to navigate and then she has become a forest fire    ,   and they’d let themselves burn up for her every time   .    such is the nature of their love   ,    selfless and selfish at once   .    

they let her walk the entirety of the small apartment and say hi to theo first before they answer    ,    fondness warming them now as they close the door behind the two of them and watch their companion reunite with who they know she has missed as well       -     theo has always liked bianca and vice versa    ,    which has been the least surprising thing in the whole of their relationship up to now  .   sometimes gray wished that they could have made a better impression on bianca’s live-in companion   ,    though the weirdly closed-off historian is a battle gray knows they might never win    ,   nor start to fight again   .    they’d be glad if bianca wouldn’t walk out of the door any second    ,     they count their victories as they come these days   .    “     thanks  .   theo likes the place   .    it’s quieter here than right in the city   .   helps me   …   as well   .    and i cleaned for you    ,    the place usually isn’t this minimalist   ,   ”   they tell her in return   ,    something sheepish as they have watched her create memories in a space she has never been in before  .

gray’s heart aches    ,    like someone has slowly torn something off of the muscle and rekindling it is painstaking thread-work   (    which it is   )   that they’d need to be subjected to without anaesthesia  .   it is something they’d do so again in a heartbeat though     ,      let her tear through them and be put together afterwards   .    let her be the one to do damage first    ,    not them and their petulant and weak little act of distance   .    as needed as it was   ,   it also feels wrong now    ,   a little    ,    as she is so close and they are not going up in smoke where they stand   .     “   i want you to be well   ,   ”   is when they finally breach the topic    ,    looking at her with earnest and bright eyes   .    “  that is all i want   .   i want you to be well    …  and i want to figure this out   .   ”   nodding to themselves   ,   they carefully reach out to put their hand around hers  .   she is still warm   ,   always warm    ,    a comet in their night   .    “    and we can go to sleep  .   but i am worried if you haven’t eaten anything yet  .   going to sleep on an empty stomach is not a good thing to do   .   i can’t hold onto you and worry too much at the same time   .   well    ,   i definitely could   .   but i don’t want you   .   i want you to be well    .    tonight   ,    later too   .    ” 

A  HEAD  THAT  IS  RUNNING  THOUSANDS  OF  MILES  BY  THE  HOUR,  gray  is  just  as  she  remembered  them  to  be:  a  wide  eyed  mess  of  rose  tinted  cheeks  and  words  that  built  in  their  chest,  like  vines  of  heartfelt  words  growing  into  the  veins  of  their  lungs,  branches  of  a  tree  bianca  has  always,  always  been  good  at  coaxing  out  of  their  mouth.  their  heart  buried  beneath  layers  as  their  body  is,  always  so  tentative,  always  so  protective,  yet  oh  so  easy  for  her  to  unravel,  not  ashamed  to  run  circles  around  her  in  doe-eyed  affection.  sometimes  she  thinks  it  is  one  of  the  reasons  why  they  fell  as  hard  as  they  did  for  her,  because  bianca  somehow  always  knew  which  strings  to  pull,  how  to  look  at  the  whole  of  them  and  see  beyond  it.  the  terrifying  dichotomy  of  wanting  to  hide  themselves  where  the  light  would  not  reach  &  still  yearning  for  being  seen,  being  the  thing  that  brings  out  the  roses  out  of  her  thorns.  they  were  always  quiet,  and  with  bianca,  their  quietness  became  something  shared  &  relieved  in  instead  of  loneliness.  perhaps  this  is  what  they  couldn’t  find  anywhere,  what  they  came  back  desperately  searching  for:  finding  solace  and  understanding  where  no  words  existed,  where  just  hands  around  hands  and  the  feeling  of  a  slow  rise  and  fall  of  chests  were  enough.

they wake up slowly    ,     molasses dragging them through with slow feet at the end of their dreams and pulling them back to consciousness   .    heavy sleeper by default     ,    constant exhaustion from all the energy inside of them like quicksilver giving off marks how the weather is at any given minute of any given day     -     the human version works the same    ,    a little like acid to anyone who wanted to break the glass and have a taste of it    .    and it is a long and winding road to make sense of how to let anyone in without breaking the glass     ,      without letting anyone be poisoned in return    ,     and without them shattering the glass either    .    a balance act    ,    one for their clumsy self to work on in an ever-changing circumstances    ,    so the day now takes more out of them than before   .    when they wake up    ,    it is with most of the exhaustion from before having bled away   ,    feeling the softness of the duvet against their cheek as well as what they know to be bianca’s hand holding onto them by the neck    .    it is good      -      and possibly one of the reasons they feel as relaxed as they do right now     ,     all but bleary-eyed as they peek over the covers at her    .

@morsquies​ said    :   ❛   i just wonder what you’re dreamin’ of when you sleep and smile so comfortable.   ❜     (    accepting .    )

they yawn first     ,     something that shows all their teeth    ,    before they settle back onto their side    ,    leaning their head into her hand    .       “    i don’t know    ,    ”    they tell her    ,    voice grating and a bit low from sleep    .    after waking up    ,    the best thing to do is just look at bianca    ,    to know her and feel her and sense her    ,     the rest of the world simply forgotten for a little while longer   .     it warms them to the core in the best way   ,    like all good love should they now know   .      “    you    ,   most of the time   .    sometimes other people   .   sometimes just     …    stuff    ,    i guess    .     like the books i am working on   .    i forget most of it    .    ”

BIANCA  IS  ALWAYS  EARLIER,  the  first  sunday  morning  after  their  finals  being  no  exception.  rising  with  the  sun,  but  it  does  not  mean  that  she  wants  to  slip  away  from  the  warm  entanglement  of  limbs  &  covers  &  pillows.  the  weight  of  gray’s  arm  draped  on  her  back  as  she  wakes  on  her  stomach,  her  hand  resting  on  the  bicep  that  lays  beneath  her  neck  to  support  her  horrible  position.  gray  is  a  sweetheart,  even  in  their  sleep.  and  she  can’t  help  but  take  in  the  sight  of  their  slow  breathing  and  ghost  of  a  smile  upon  their  lips,  lost  in  dreams  bianca  is  perfectly  content  with  watching  from  afar.  they  look  younger  in  mornings  like  this,  more  at  ease,  the  only  feature  their  relaxed  features  holds  being  solace  and  peace,  leaning  into  her  idle  touch  with  their  unabashed  demand  for  more  of  it.  bianca  doesn’t  remember  if  she’s  ever  refused  it  before.

it is still a lot of noise     (     it would always be a lot of noise now that they know how to identify the noise     )     and it’s not going to be magically fixed by one conversation after six months of self-imposed radio silence     ,     but it is better now   .     they meant it when they told her it is better now   .    the feeling of being carved open from the inside out into air has subsided tremendously over the past few months and it didn’t return to them right away despite their own tumult going on inside of them    ,    which is a marker of the progress they made    .    even with so much still to go    ,    knowing they could still somehow be around her again without shaking and falling over from too much heat is good    ,     it means that the fever they have begun to liken to her is not as catastrophically unmanageable as they thought it would be   .    everything takes time   ,     so does this    ,    but for the first time in months the time put into this feels worth it     ,     all the distance artificially created and carried out in real life seems to have served somewhat of a purpose   .      “     uhm    ,    yeah   .     yeah   ,     wow   ,     yeah    .     i didn’t even think that you’d   ,    uhm   ,    ask to talk about it   .   because i haven’t really been talking much recently   .    but we can   …    we can do that   .    tomorrow   ,   yup   .   we can do that tomorrow   .   ”    their words catapult themselves over each other   ,   making them appear like a very socially awkward deer caught in her headlights  .    at least that is not entirely new   .

only manoeuvring themselves out of each other’s grasp to take a look at her again    ,    gray is reminded that while they also had quite the eventful and emotionally taxing day    ,    bianca may have had it worse than them today even and drove all the way here to boot    (    though the lack of bruises from any potentially martial arts inspired frying pan hitting are a gratitude   )     .    wincing under their breath    ,    they let go of her a little after leaning forward and pressing another kiss against the top of her head before they move away for real    .    “    totally    .     totally understand that   .    you might be surprised but in my mighty old age and time of self-reflection i made it a habit to nap or sleep whenever i could   .    yeah    ,    yeah    ,    not all things change   ,   it seems    ,    ”    they tell her with another sheepish smile    ,    and then moving out of the doorway themselves to make room for her    .     “   how about we actually get inside?   you can snoop around the place and say hi to theo   ,    who is probably gonna chew on my toes for keeping you from her    ,   and then we can   .    i don’t know   .    eat?   sleep?   whatever you want   .    ”

TWO  FEET  STANDING  IN  A  PRINCIPLE,  TWO  HEARTS  LONGING  FOR  EACH  OTHER’S  WARMTH.  here  it  is,  the  oceans  of  distance  between  them  that  swallowed  their  six  months  with  the  cosmic  irony  of  a  black  hole,  just  to  be  patched  and  sewed  up  from  the  ruptures  with  nothing  more  than  a  twenty  minutes  phone  call  and  a  forty  minutes  drive.  they  seem  tentative  about  her  offer,  which  has  bianca  second  guessing  the  axis  her  world  balances  on.  the  harsh  possibility  of  this  being  a  one  slip  of  their  control,  just  a  night  to  be  spent  together  and  go  back  to  the  lungs  filled  with  the  ocean  water  in  the  morning.  they  have  missed  me,  she  knows.  it  doesn’t  mean  they  want  me.  “  do  you  want  to?  ”  she  asks,  quiet,  soft,  expectant.  she  can’t  help  it,  can’t  help  the  way  her  eyes  fill  with  hope  and  shy  away  from  it  at  the  same  time.  her  hands,  finding  each  other  to  rub  at  her  fingers  as  a  sign  of  her  nervousness.  “  it  doesn’t  have  to  mean  anything,  it  doesn’t  have  to  be  an  us  again,  if  you  don’t  want  it.  i  just-  i  just  want  to  figure  out  where  to  go  from  here.”  

she  wishes  they  wouldn’t  move  away,  but  in  the  face  of  preserving  some  sense  of  reality,  bianca  offers  a  sheepish  smile  i  return,  relieved  and  encouraged  by  the  kiss  on  the  top  of  her  head.  she  pulls  her  phone  and  keys  out  of  her  pocket,  abandoning  them  in  the  entrance  and  get  rid  of  the  weight,  shoes  kicked  off  before  she  walks  inside  with  a  curious  gaze,  padding  across  the  creaking  parquet.  there  is  a  little  disappointment  in  standing  in  an  apartment  they  have  no  memories  of  themselves  together  in  it,  there  is  a  little  heartbreak  in  knowing  she’s  never  sat  atop  the  kitchen  counter  to  sing  her  partner  her  latest  obsession,  they  have  never  chuckled  on  the  couch  like  teenage  kids  under  the  blankets,  they  have  never  whispered  their  bizarre  dreams  with  limbs  tangled  with  each  other’s,  seeking  warmth  in  the  cold  winter  mornings.  “  you  have  a  nice  place,  ”  she  tells  them  anyway,  glancing  around.  “  minimalism  really  suits  you.  ”  

there’s always been something quite charming about proximity      ,     not only in general with everyone else but with her in particular    .    before all of this    (    before they dug a little too deep into what caused so much havoc   )    it has been something they could never quite get enough of   .   may it be sitting besides her    ,      unrelenting in their pursuit to make her laugh out loud in class or in the library or at home    ,     later on always at home    ,    to not moving out of her space either whenever they were side by side   .    arm around her shoulder    ,      gray’s cheek against her temple    ,    the urge to pull her in against them or be the one to be pulled has never faded or subsided    ,   has never disappeared into thin air like it has been that way with others before    .     it has obviously turned from something minuscule into trickling warmth before the blaze meant that being close all the time could be a bit too close   .   it was one way to make amends with everything of the past before they left    -    to have bianca navigate with slow touch and consideration that gray tried to match for her own feelings   .    they didn’t just want to lead her on    ,   they really want to figure this out    ,    all over again if needed    .

her hands are first careful     ,     almost searching   ,     and then find more certainty as they allow her to go alone   .    the only time gray shies away from looking at her is when they close their eyes to let the pads of her fingers touch against their brows     ,    the soft skin below right by their eyes   ,     and opening them again when bianca’s hands still to frame their face    .     “     that’s what i’m trying to figure out    .    how i’m feeling   ,    and how you’re feeling   .    it’s a    ,   well    ,    it’s really a work in progress   .    i used to be really bad at it    ,    though    .    before    -    ”    stopping themselves   ,   they bite down at the corner of their mouth    ,    feeling their own brows furrow a little now   .   she scorches with her touch    ,    they can feel it on their jaw and how she angled it to her palm    ,   but she is right too    -    they are cold mostly otherwise again    ,     baseline per usual    .    they try to seep through the rest of the patchy heat    ,    make sense of what hinges to whom    .     “     you’re    …    nervous   ,    like me   .    exhausted too   ,   i think?   sorry about that   ,   ”   they give her a sheepish smile   ,    right amount of nerves around this   .    their hands reach up to sit against her own    ,    palms against the back of hers   .     “     in disbelief too   .    i    -    then there’s just your warmth   .   sorry   ,    i’m still bad at being super sure about everything   .   but you’re warm   .   and i don’t feel like dying   ,    so   .    ”

BIANCA’S  SMILE  IS  A  MIRROR  OF  THEIRS,  sheepish  in  the  way  she  is  unfamiliar  with  the  rules  of  their  dynamic  that  has  changed  once  again,  apologetic  in  the  way  that  she  didn’t  leave  them  much  of  a  choice  in  all  of  this  with  how  much  of  a  mess  she’d  been.  glassy,  half  lidded  eyes  &  purple  undereye  bags  &  skin  too  pale  for  even  the  winter  the  cold.  they  say  she  is  nervous  and  she  nods,  they  say  she  is  tired  and  after  a  moment,  she  lets  her  forehead  drop  to  their  shoulder,  letting  her  hands  travel  down  the  columns  of  their  throat,  still  held  in  their  palms,  fingertips  tracing  collarbone.  “  it’s  okay,  ”  she  has  said  that  too  many  times,  but  it  needs  to  be  voiced  at  least  one  more  time  with  a  mumble.  “  i  am  tired,  though.  i  didn’t  get  much  sleep  last  night.  and  today  demanded  more  of  me  than  i  thought  it  would.  ”  sleepy  &  tired  &  relieved.  this  whole  thing,  the  way  she  had  swallowed  her  pride  and  made  the  phone  call  anyway,  fully  prepared  &  not  prepared  at  all  to  call  someone  who  made  the  choice  to  move  away  from  her,  someone  who  could  have  moved  on  already.  and  only  now  when  she  has  gotten  off  the  hook  of  a  terrible  ending,  she  feels  the  weight  of  it  all  sink  in.  a  slow,  controlled  exhale,  careful  trying  not  to  overwhelm  gray  but  also  more  desperate  than  she  would  like  for  them,  for  this.  she  leans  a  bit  more  against  them,  nose  digging  into  the  hollow  of  their  throat,  her  palms  skimming  their  biceps,  just  touch  for  the  sake  of  touch.  

it’s better      -     it is     …     fine     ,     fine in a way they have told themselves things would be when they’d be left alone but never came to fruition while they were on their own    .     this is the fine they have been looking for    ,    a bone-deep goodness that runs warmth and chills down their spine at the same    ,    and they have no idea how to go about that    .     their neck still feels warm   ,   like someone put a bit of a heating pack on it while the rest of them shudders the moment bianca steps away from them    .    considerate for a condition as unusual    ,    rare and abnormal     ,      and unresearched as only the most out of left field could be    .    you don’t suddenly wake up and can feel everything else everyone feels but not perfectly   ,    just as if they’d dunk ice buckets over your head or burn you with hot iron depending on their moods    .    you don’t find yourself grow cold in front of the love of your life   ,    heart beating and all still    ,    just because she had a bad day    .     that’s       -       not the day to day of most people   .   they know   .    she knows too    . 

“    i don’t want you to back off    .    i never wanted you to back off      -    not back then    ,     definitely not right now    ,     ”     they retort right away    ,    reaching out their hands to take hers    (     always warmer    ,    that hasn’t changed   )     and then guide them back up from their shoulders to the skin of their neck    ,    the angle of their jaw     ,     looking down at her as they do so    .     “   i feel    …     i feel warm    .     warm because i’m nervous    ,     warm because you’re here    ,    and you’re always warm to me    .     my back’s freezing and if my arms are shaking    ,    it’s because i am overwhelmed and feeling fifty different things at once    ,       my feelings     .     yours     -     i think yours are pretty clear   .   and they’re mostly warm    ,    too   ,    ”    they try to explain   ,    their mind hardly knowing all the ins and out’s of this either   .    they know other empaths could feel everything and separate it all perfectly    ,   and had someone else to guide them    ,    but that many of them also didn’t have such strong connection to another person that wasn’t guiding them   .   gray seems to be the anomaly caused by love and idiocy     ,     nothing new   .    “   can you    ,     this sounds odd   ,   maybe    ,    but can you touch my face?    how i feel to you?    under your hands    ,    i mean   .     ”

SHE  IS  PULLING  AWAY  &  THEY  ARE  PULLING  HER  BACK,  her  fingers  immediately  curling  around  theirs,  letting  her  palm  disappear  into  theirs  as  she  lets  them  guide  her.  their  neck  beneath  her  fingertips,  the  angle  of  their  jaw,  the  stubble  of  a  new  bear  on  their  chin.  she  is  sighing,  leaning  into  it,  just  finding  the  courage  to  rest  her  forehead  against  theirs,  nose  softly  nudging  against  theirs.  the  moment  brings  back  too  many  memories,  standing  exactly  as  she  did  now,  close  enough  to  feel  their  breath  against  her  lips  and  the  intimacy  of  it  being  strong  enough  to  stop  hers.  she  remembers  the  countdown,  people  waiting  with  their  fireworks,  the  joyful  scream  of  each  number  bringing  them  closer,  until  bianca  finally  reached  up  when  they  were  down  to  one  second.  she  remembers  the  taste  of  gin  on  her  lips  when  the  new  year  arrived,  remembers  thinking  gray’s  kiss  burnt  but  it  had  been  sweet  enough  to  come  back  searching  for  more.  

it is like colour seeping back into the frame    ,     the moment the two of them hold onto each other again    .    gray would never go so far as to unleash some spiel about dramatic movie moment renditions of romance    (    or life even   )     ,    but this came pretty close to being picturesque in its own   ,    nearly mundane way   .    but nothing about bianca has ever been mundane to them     -     not the first time they saw her     ,    not the times they decided to dodge sense and rationality and poke at her as if they were poking at a hound to bite when they sat down next to her back in their shared class and managed to make an impression on her enough to get her out of her scowling shell      ,    or armour rather    .    it’s never been much of a shell    ,    more a means for safety the same way gray has decided to put around themselves now rather than years ago   .     bianca always had something to her that made her stand out   ,   something that made gray want to dig deeper first and then dig around    ,   embed themselves into her and under her skin in a way that would last    .   and   ,    oh     ,    did it last    .     they made a habit of it   ,   even when it backfired   .    and they could feel it now as they slot back together with her in what could just be chalked up to muscle memory and relief   .

they could feel themselves overheat the moment they opened the door    ,    not even into the hug   ,    going through an entire rollercoaster of the spectrum of human emotions     ,     most of all nervousness     ,    and yet the weird patchiness of that warmth is ignored in favour of hugging her close    .    knowing her against them    ,    familiar and so very real after six month    ,    they’d nearly forget how to breathe if it weren’t for her voice close to their ear    ,    if it weren’t for her hand soothing their skin beneath their hairline    .    it helps      (     she has always helped until the moment she didn’t    )     and it reminds them so much of the goodness of the past that they might tear up    .    but they won’t    ,    they won’t cry over something good    .     “    this is so     -     this feels unreal    .    sorry     ,    i think    -    give me   ,    like   ,   two minutes   .    i’m trying to acclimate   .    ”     said against the top of her head   ,  they dig their nose against her hair and then place a kiss to the top of her head    .    naturally    ,   perfectly done a thousand times over    ,    more muscle memory   .    their body slowly calms down again   ,   the weird patchiness slowly receding to just heat up their neck    .    it’s less embarrassing even when it has them stand in the doorway clinging to her for every second of it    .    “   i really missed you too    .    so much   .   stupid much   .    ”

SHE  COULD  HAVE  STAYED  THERE  FOREVER.  the  rising  and  falling  of  gray’s  chest  against  hers,  devoid  from  any  kind  of  rhythm  and  stability,  conveying  how  much  they  are  falling  apart  at  the  seams  just  as  she  does.  their  nose  nuzzling  against  her  hair,  for  a  kiss  that  has  been  given  for  countless  times  before  and  a  kiss  bianca  hopes  she  will  have  equally  more.  eyes  closed,  her  heart  beating  in  her  ears,  drumming  to  the  same  old  love  song  it  has  been  playing  on  repeat  since  she’s  known  them.  she  could  have  stayed  there.  the  solace  she  had  been  looking  for  all  her  life  all  gathered  up  in  one  human  body,  what  a  a  terrifying  thought.  what  a  terrifying  truth,  and  yet,  painting  her  sepia  world  in  undiscovered  colors.