Walk prouder scream louder ja kohta vedetään taas

Recently I found a name for what I suffer from - chronic fatigue, and I suddenly understood that my therapist meant.

I have so many things I need to do and so little capacity to do anything at all, that doing something that doesn't give me either immediate results (like showering -> getting clean) or absolutely guaranteed future results (like exercising regularly -> feeling better physically) is a waste of energy. When you live with such a condition, every action, even the smallest one, is always weighed on the scales of "what would it cost me" and "what would I get out of it".

But of course a professional would never believe a patient when they say "I just can't do it, I don't have the capacity". So there must be another reason for why I couldn't be productive, like loss of meaning and lack of interest caused by depression. As if wasn't constantly aware of how much I wanted things and how much they meant to me, exactly because I couldn't do them.

I had so much misunderstandings with this therapist, and it always baffled me, because from my point of view, I talked about very simple things that I said very plainly and openly. And now it dawned on me. It's not that she didn't understand very simple concepts like "motivation" and whatnot. She just didn't believe me. She was confused because she kept looking for the "truth" behind my condition and couldn't find any.

ID: A digital drawing of Alex from Stardew Valley from the chest up. This is from a werewolf AU. Alex has short brown hair and brown dog ears protruding from the top of his head. He has tanned skin that along the arms turns the same shade of brown as his hair in patches of fur. Alex has green eyes ringed in yellow and canine teeth. He's wearing a sleeveless green and gold jacket, a white tank top underneath, and a black collar with a sun-shaped tag. Behind him is the silhouette of a wolf. /End ID.

I've been chipping away at a Penny/werewolf!Alex oneshot for a month or so now, but with everything going on my brain's been too fried to really work on my fics. So I got struck with doodling this!

The collar is just a part of my canon when I ship Alex and Penny now. That was only supposed to be part of Trust the Simulation but now it's gonna pop into any Alex/Penny fic I write skjjkshkc

I'm also considering taking the oneshot and making it into a multi-chaptered longfic, just to play around with this AU some more. Primarily because of one scene that's gotten trapped in my skull but that I wouldn't be happy with without an emotional build up to it.

I dunno, we'll see!

🌸