морошка

I like to think these are my memories. I don’t have to store them inside my head, I just have to come back here from time to time to revisit them, to hug my younger self, to say everything is going to alright even though sometimes I’m still scared of future.  This is my little box of secrets, box I’ve hid and box I’ve lost. This is a part of me in this box, a part of me who had to grow up but couldn’t. A part of me so wounded and hurt that it couldn’t breathe. A part of me who survived.  And this is me now saying hi to everything I wanted to forget but realised I have to keep it and learn on my past mistakes. This is me now, proud of myself, yet still learning how to be an adult. Happy, scared, sad, free, loved, content with all I have now. This is all me. Hello, you’ll be alright.

This is a reminder (for myself) that it’s very important to love yourself.  Loving myself was the greatest gift (besides feminism) I gave to myself. I couldn’t believe how easy it is to love myself. Hating yourself is the hardest way to live, I’ve wasted so much energy on that, I felt drained all the time, I felt insecure, exhausted and apathetic because hate is a very strong feeling that sucks everything from your soul and turn it towards you. Loving myself made me feel lighter and brighter. I don’t care if I look bad on photos and if someone eventually posts any of them. It’s even funny to see my face getting all weird on the photos and sharing the most embarrassing ones with friends. I don’t feel guilty anymore after I ate another slice of pizza and I don’t think that people count every bite of food I put in my mouth (even if they do – who cares). I don’t feel like a pig anymore, I can undress in front of my friends or wear a skirt without thinking how my legs look. And I don’t surround myself with toxic people, they are long gone and forgotten, I don’t fall for them and let them treat me like shit. I was surrounded by all this guilt and hate for many years just because I’ve felt like I don’t belong in the entire picture of the universe and now... I still don’t know how to fit in well, but I no longer care. And that’s why loving yourself is the most important thing to accomplish during your young years, – after that you’ll literally won’t have time for that. So just... start it, and if you fail – start over, because you have to fall in love with your mistakes to forgive yourself for them. And that’s the way to self–love. 

To a person (persons?) who sent me messages few days ago. I appreciate everything you’ve said. I wouldn’t be myself if I haven’t met some wonderful people here. For me this place was like... a pan for dough. It shaped me, made me grow some confidence, made me think different about myself and the world. I come here sometimes to share my thoughts but usually I just check out people I’ve been close with so I know they are okay and watch them grow up and become wonderful persons. So I think there is no need to be anonymous, let’s talk without all that stuff. If we were friends you should know that I miss you, if we were not, let’s be, why not?

People always told me to get married to a person who loves me more than I love him. This idea seemed so strange to me because I was always the one who was obsessed with relationships and love.  And then I met him. Now every time he asks me when we are going to get married, I don’t know what to say. Not that I don’t like being in relationships (sometimes I don’t), I just don’t feel that being that serious with someone works for me. I don’t like taking care of someone (except my pets), I don’t like sharing a bed with someone, coming home from work to him cooking dinner for us, I don’t like changing my habits, not being able to watch some tv–show and eat something all alone.  I feel like a hypocrite who asked for love and for a person to share days with and now I am really fond of myself being alone and thinking only about myself. Maybe I am not made for it, who knows. Only time will tell, right?

And I'm sorry, Andrew. I don't know what made you think I'm evil (probably I did by being clingy and passive aggressive) but I am not. I was just trying to be real friends like years ago and didn't succeed. Probably you will never read it, but if you do, I'm sorry. And I'm still here if you need a friend.

Please God, forgive these fucking bastards I have to deal with.