Youth is Forever

It didn’t really work, though, but I guess I appreciate the effort. It’s not easy being patient when you’re in that situation. I probably could have slowed down because there were things that I was doing that I’m not really proud of now. But it still wasn’t really my fault, so no. I’ll be around as long as you want me to be. Even if you don’t need me anymore. Yeah, well, that’s because there’s stuff you don’t need to know about. Isn’t the bathroom meant for privacy?

Yeah well I tried. I was a beach ball so any effort was a lot back then. Yeah okay maybe not, but weren’t you aware that doing stuff like that would have made your body heal wrong? I don’t even want to know what thing’s. How was it not your fault? You’re i charge of yourself. Yeah, same to you too. About the whole being around thing. I always want you around. I’m so used to it, it’s weird when you aren’t here. It’s meant for like a specific set of thing’s not the hour long pep talks you give your hair. 

Because you guys set everything too close to me. I knocked one thing over and then the rest followed. I’m sure you were laughing on the inside. It wasn’t supposed to take as long as it did, though. Most people recover faster than I did. But I don’t think that’s James’ fault. I don’t know whose fault it is. If I don’t have to worry about you anymore then you probably don’t need me. Which is a good thing, right? At most, it’s like an hour. I’d still be good looking even if I didn’t take my time getting ready but I wouldn’t look as nice. It’s not like i wear makeup. Obviously I’m not going to tell her tomorrow. It wasn’t easy to bring it up with you and you’re the only person I thought of who might understand. I’ll tell her someday. Oh, yeah, I remember that time. We weren’t really talking to each other. I mean, it’s not like I was avoiding you. I just had my own life and you and Spencer had broken up. Do you even put hot sauce on anything? I do if I don’t really like something. I know he’s not and I don’t try to hold him like that anymore. It’s pretty close, though. You can really tell he’s your kid. 

That was because we didn’t want you to have to lean over too much. Not really, cause I had to clean up that mess. I feel like they  probably recover faster because you kept acting like you were in better shape than you really were.Was it you’re fault? I don’t know if it works like that Sam. I’m better off than I was, but it doesn’t mean I stop needing you in my life. That’s still a long hour. You barely look like you’ve anything in there. Yeah sure, Sam . You got lucky that I did understand. It could have been bad if didn’t already know all this. Yeah I know. I didn’t blame you or anything for not talking to me, It wasn’t like we were good friends back then and I did get an unnecessary amount of negativity thrown my way. Sometimes. It’s not like I use it a lot for regular thing’s. Well now I know your secret if you hate something. I’ve noticed. He doesn’t run to  you holding his waistband so you can’t grab him anymore. He does make a mad face, I’ll give you that, but of course her looks like me. Did you notice he looks more like a Moreau?

“I couldn’t even call you to come back. The phone was too far away. Part of me was hoping that I would just starve to death before you guys came back so that I wouldn’t have to see your face when you found me. There’s no room for pride when you have a broken pelvis. That’s good at least. I don’t like having to worry about you even though I still do sometimes. Obviously. Scars aside, I’m still better looking than you. Yeah, I know. It’s a little bit of both. I don’t want to freak her out. What if she doesn’t believe me? She might think I’m on drugs or something. Honestly, yeah. Is that why you tried to stab yourself? I’m good at a lot of things. I just happen to know more about cars. Then we would have something in common. Hot sauce is the worst to throw up. It hurts my hip to bend down sometimes. So I thought it’d be okay to grab him by his pants." 

“I still don’t know how that mess happened so fast. You’re being way too dramatic. I didn’t laugh did I? I came in and tried to help. Well you healed alright and your pride came back. I don’t like having you worry about me either. When you do, it means I’m in a terrible state, but when you worry I don’t feel as bad. That is a matter of opinion. I don’t spend ten hours in a bathroom getting ready.She doesn’t seem like the type to freak out. There’s only two outcomes.  She believes you or she doesn’t. One day you should find out though. Not like tomorrow, but you know?Yeah it was. Well half of it. That was around the time I got kicked out of the apartment and all of that.  I didn’t say you weren’t Sam. I wouldn’t know when it comes to the hot sauce. I get that, but he’s a child not a sack of potatoes. Be glad he doesn’t give you the stare I give you when you make me mad”

“Why did you have to bring that up? It’s so embarrassing. You guys weren’t even gone that long. Well, it’s not like we haven’t each been there before. As much as I don’t want to admit it. I’m not sure if it makes sense to me. I don’t think this person wants to hurt me. I probably wouldn’t be alive if he hadn’t taken the wheel. But I can’t look at my scars and think the same as you. Because they just remind me that my skin isn’t as nice as it used to be and I know Spencer told me that I should be grateful to be alive and I am, especially now that he’s gone, but it’s not that simple. No, we haven’t talked about this kind of stuff. You’re the only person I’ve talked to about it. You’re the craziest ‘sane’ person that i know so I felt like I should bring it up to you before anyone else. it doesn’t matter now. It’s not like he’s coming back so I’ll never know the truth. What if it’s someone who’s cooler than me? I know it’s hard to believe, but it might be true. I don’t want to be a loser compared to my past life. The only thing I’ve accomplished in the last two years is not getting fired and i still don’t know how that’s even possible. I’m not being serious. I wouldn’t do that to Simon. It would be a waste of hot sauce. He would probably forgive me anyway. I think he finally got over me lifting him up by the back of his pants, though you really should have told me he wasn’t in a diaper anymore.“

“Because it was the best example I had to show how miserable you seemed. It was honestly like five minutes. Yeah That’s true Yeah I think you got lucky there cause whoever this is seems to want to help. The whole hurting me thing isn’t still going on or anything, otherwise I wouldn’t be this together at this point. Yeah I get it, I’m not going to win any award for perfect skin, but it is weird to have marks that weren’t there before. You did get really lucky Sam. ‘The craziest ‘sane’ person?’ I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or insult. I guess you’re right though. I did know what you were talking about and James honestly might not have any idea. Maybe, maybe not. Are you really that concerned your past life is cooler than you? Most of them are. Probably cause you’re good at your job. I’m not sure about cooler than, but my past life died when she was twenty, so any day I live is a successful day. You better not be. Knowing Simon he’d  be spitting up hot sauce all over everything. He’d forgive you if you played with him. Okay to be fair you shouldn’t lift him like that even in diapers, so that one’s on you.  He gave you the biggest angry stare ever when you did that. “

It’s just surprising that you got anything done because you coudn’t sit down without getting stuck. That was the worst.  I couldn’t even sit up. I miss him, but sometimes you guys worried me. Why would she do that? Yeah. The first time that I saw her it was like we had met before. But then she started torturing me and I didn’t like her anymore. I probably wouldn’t have come back to therapy if it had been someone else, though. We were making out. But I am pretty sure I hooked up with a girl that night. So I don’t know when I fell asleep. It’s still a lot to take in. I don’t know if i want to know who this person is. I just want to be me again. I don’t want to be anyone else. I’m never myself. It’s a good thing because I was going to start putting hot sauce on the cars so that he would stop putting them in his mouth. But that would have messed up the paint. 

That’s why I kept moving around. I I stopped I’d get stuck. You were kind of a mess. I felt bad the day all the popcorn had spilled and you were stuck. I miss him too. Yeah I know we did and I always feel bad about it. I admit I wasn’t in the best state of mind then. Because in her weird way I think she was protecting me. It’s crazy, but  it made sense at the time. The scar is just  a reminder not to get that messed up again, which could have happened. That kind of sounds like there’s something there. Have you ever asked her if she goes through this? Oh yeah that definitely sounds like a dream unless you actually got him to kiss you, which is kind of a ‘wow’ moment. What if it’s someone cool or someone of historical importance though? You seem like yourself to me. What the hell Sam? Simon would have cried and then you wouldn’t be ‘cool uncle Sam’ to him anymore.

“You were still pretty helpful. I mean, you were kind of waddling around like a duck most of the time but you still got shit done. That’s weird. I don’t think I am connected to anyone. Though, I really like James. Actually, I guess it’s kind of gotten more intense since she came into my life. Like I said, It felt real. But I don’t think he would have done what we were doing in my dream, so it probably wasn’t. That sounds like bullshit but I think that I still believe you.  Do you know their name? I don’t think that mine looks like me. I’d rather stick to being an uncle. I really want to keep whatever sanity I have left.”

“I was pregnant, not dying, so why not help you, especially since you could barely move. It’s weird, but it made sense why I kept going back to him and letting myself get into the situations I did. I stabbed myself that one time partially because of that person talking to me. Maybe she is connected to you, who knows. Do you feel a weird bond at all with her? Yeah that makes sense. What exactly were you doing in the dream? I swear it’s not bullshit. I’d come up with something better than that if it was. Yeah, I know her name. I don’t think the looks are mandatory. At least you’re a good uncle. You finally got Simon to stop chewing on the cars and start playing with them”

“It was one of the worst experiences of my life, though. Why couldn’t I have just tripped on a curb? Oh, right. That’s… so does that mean Spencer was involved? Yeah, it’s dumb. I was really drunk. We were still in high school. It felt real but it had to have been a dream, right? I don’t know. I’ve never looked at him long enough to see his face. He usually disappears before I get a good look at him. Are these people real like are they ghosts? I don’t get it. What does your person look like? I don’t want to end up as crazy as him. Maybe I just won’t have kids. That’s probably what gets us guys in the family.”

“I know it wasn’t very fun for me to see happen to you, even if I sassed you. Yeah it does. It happened cause him and I were connected. I have no idea. Do you think it was a dream? Oh. That’s not helpful. Kind of. They’re kind of like ghosts. This is gonna sound crazy, but they’re past lives. Oh mine looks kind of like me, but with different eye color. I don’t know if you’d know who it was I saw. I don’t think anyone will be as off as him, but at the same time I don’t think anyone will be as smart as him. Yeah maybe. It seems like after having kids the men in the family go a little deep end.”

“Well, I guess I’ve always had this voice inside me. There weren’t a lot of kids to hang out with so I don’t know it felt lonely but sometimes it didn’t? But it didn’t get louder until after my accident. Do you dream a lot? I never have dreams. I mean, there was this one time that I had a really weird dream about Luke but that’s not important right now. I really don’t dream much. Is it a real person? Because I don’t know. It’s not a good image. Like he’s really hurt… and that freaks me out? He’s wearing a red jacket. Yeah, yeah, but sometimes it’s annoying. I’ve got things to do. Is that what happened to our grandpa?”

“That makes sense, so it’s been a long time. Maybe the accident had to happen in its own really terrible way to have thing’s make sense. Cause I just had dreams and then it progressed to nightmares, then I wasn’t sleeping and everything fell together after the whole overdose thing. I dream all the time still.  It’s not as bad as it was. You had a dream about Luke? It’s a real person for me and the other’s so I assume it’s the same for you. Oh shit, that sounds scary. A red jacket? Anything else looks wise? From what I know it is. Our grandma always says he was sort of normal once and then when Randy was born he started getting weird. She also said that started to happen with my dad.”

“Bigger than what? Are you saying it’s more than just us? Like the whole world… the whole town? I’ve only seen him a couple of times. Like when I got into my car accident. It’s like he grabbed the wheel. Then when I woke up in the hospital, there was someone sitting in the chair but then he was gone. But I was pretty drugged up then. Most of the time I just feel like there’s someone telling me not to do shit. I usually ignore the voice, though, I thought maybe it was just my conscience. Yeah, know. I just don’t feel like being called a whore right now. At least that wouldn’t make feel like I’m losing my fuckin’ mind.”

“Honestly I don’t know how far it goes, but I assume the whole town. I’ve known about this whole thing for a while. When did it start? I think I was really young when I started dreaming about stuff. Who is it that you see? Wait okay first of all you probably should listen to your conscience, just cause that’s what it’s there for. I’m not calling you a whore and you’re not losing your mind. You can go crazy from it sort of,but I don’t think this is it”

“I don’t know if that makes me feel better. Is this some kind of family thing? You just start seeing dead guys in your car and then…. that’s it. You’re just crazy? Because I really don’t fucking want that. No. Oh my god, no. We’re not having that kind of conversation. You’re not being helpful, Emily.” 

“No it’s not a family thing. I think it’s bigger than that, because I know of people dealing with this that aren’t the family. But it does effect everyone in the family. Wait you saw them in your car? Is it always your car? Yeah okay Sam, whatever makes you happy. It was a joke to lighten the mood. It makes me uncomfortable when you’re so serious. “

“Do you ever feel like you’re not just you? Like, I don’t know. It just feels like there’s someone inside me. In my head, I mean… I can feel it.”

“Oh that. Yeah I know what your talking about. That  ‘someone inside you’ thing made me think we were having a different conversation for a second.”

“I don’t know. It could be bad? It kind of depends on your reaction. You can’t laugh at me, though. Because I’m already feeling weird about it.”

“Could be? I promise not to laugh, but by saying that it makes me want to. Okay how bad could it be?”

Hey, Emily — can I talk to you about something?

Yeah sure, what’s going on? It’s not anything bad right?

"Now I’m acting like a dick?" He ran his hand under his nose swiftly before saying anything further, "Yeah, alright, that’s really funny." Sam felt annoyed and it was apparent by the expression in his eyes. "Well, you know, maybe I don’t." He scoffed into his hand, hiding a smile that was made from nerves behind it, “Did you ever think about that?” There was some truth behind his words but it was a decision made out of fear rather than a genuine disinterest in company. Lately it had been because he knew he was doing something that would displease people, but most of the time it was because he didn’t want people to disappoint him. If he didn’t ask for company then he didn’t have to deal with the possibility of them not showing up. It was a thought process that could have been awarded with sympathy if it weren’t for the fact that he had done the exact same thing to his cousin and the rest of his family. 

The conversation hadn't gone on for very long, but Emily was already feeling exhausted. It was like the sheer intensity of the argument was sucking away all of her energy. There were fights with Sam that always seemed resolved by the end and then there was this. Emily hated this and it made her sick. " Then don't complain about no one coming over if you don't want any of us to. You come into everyone else's homes and lives and yet you don't want anyone in your own. That's fine. But don't bitch about it like you're owed something when I am sure people would love to come over if you wanted them to" Emily replied, knowing this was just going to escalate even more but she couldn't stop the words. 

"Stop accusing me of acting like "this" what does that even mean?" Sam wasn’t making any sense but he hardly noticed, "Okay, well, maybe I’ll thank him. But, you know, he could visit me at my place. but no one fucking does." He wasn’t usually bothered by his lack of visitors, often preferring to go to Emily’s, but he was still trying to throw blame anywhere else but towards himself. 

" Like a dick, is that clear for you? " Emily replied growing tired of the sarcasm and sass. She honestly wasn't playing with anything she said. It was why she wound up throwing her hands up as though she was exasperated by Sam's comments. "That's cause you never invite anyone over. It's like you don't want anyone at your place, so how are we to know?"