Hey Miss Heart, how have you learned to cope and manage jealousy? I know it's a feeling like other feelings and generally rooted in insecurities and fear, but I struggle with processing it. Do you tell your partner when you feel jealous? Do you let it wash in and hopefully, out of you? Thanks for any insight.
Jealousy is such a diverse thing in my experience. Sometimes jealousy comes in little pangs, you wince, breathe it away and move on. Sometimes itâs not painful, just annoying, like a fruit fly in your peripheral vision. Sometimes jealousy sits deep down, a dull ache, gnawing at you, quietly rotting. Sometimes jealousy pulsates and throbs a little, makes your cheeks flush and fuels your desire. Sometimes jealousy comes like a murderous thunder, your chest feels like itâs exploding, the intensity radiates through you like itâs trying to swallow you whole.
Iâm not afraid to admit that I feel jealous often. The things I feel jealous about, the intensity of jealousy I experience, and the way I handle it depends entirely on the situation and the people involved.Â
Jealousy can range in complexity from âI wanna go to the aquarium tooâ to âI want the kind of connection with you that you have with someone elseâ, so thereâs no canned response here.Â
Sometimes I just need a good night of sleep and I feel better in the morning. Sometimes I just need to be patient during an adjustment period. Sometimes I need reassurance, and I ask for it. Sometimes I need to distract myself. Sometimes if I sit with the feeling long enough I realize Iâm not really jealous, Iâm afraid, so I speak up. Sometimes I need to talk a walk, or write, or do something creative as an outlet for the feelings. Sometimes I just have to cry and say âthis sucksâ.Â
Sometimes I fill in the blanks with my own assumptions and insecurities, and when I talk to my partner I realize Iâm feeling jealous about something that isnât even happening in reality. Sometimes I need time alone to sort my head out. Sometimes I need to ask questions or understand my partners connections to others so I can feel more comfortable. Sometimes I need to reconnect with my partner, and let the things that feel so good between us soothe me. Sometimes I need to vent to another non-monogamous friend or internet pal, someone else who âgets itâ. Sometimes I just need to feel jealous, and remember that this feeling will pass eventually. No feeling lasts for ever.Â
One of the things that makes me jealous in a lot of my relationships is time. I donât have a lot of it, my job and life responsibilities are demanding. So most often when Iâm feeling jealous itâs not really about the person, itâs about them having more of a currency I lack.Â
Stability helps me manage my jealousy. When I understand the landscape, feel secure in my place, and know what to expect I can reassure myself and handle even big challenges.Â
Trust helps me manage my jealousy too. If I know I can rely on my partner to be honest with me, if I know I can trust their judgment, itâs easier to talk myself down from jealous insecurities that arise.Â
As for processing jealousy, sometimes it helps to substitute another word for jealous and consider the skills you use to process other difficult emotions. How do you cope with disappointment? How do you cope with grieving? How do you cope with frustration, or sadness? Those coping skills usually translate well to jealousy too. These feelings are inevitable in life, just like jealousy, and we all have skills and strategies we use to help ride out the wave and move through them.Â
Here are some things that help me to process:
Write down everything youâre feeling (without judging yourself!) and then tear the pages up, or burn them. Even if you just write FUUUUUUCK a hundred times it can be very cathartic.
Make a special date with your partner to soak up some quality time together.
Scream into your pillow, or cry in a hot shower.
If you talk to your partner about it stick to the facts, focus on how you feel, and what can help. Tell your partner what youâve been doing on your own to manage your jealousy so they know youâre working hard behind the scenes too.Â
Get to know the person youâre feeling jealous of, find something you have in common, or something you respect about them. The more human/real my metamours are the less intimidated I am by them.
Cuddle up with your partner and make a list of things that are unique and special about your connection (refer to the list when you need reassuring).
Donât make yourself feel worse by combing through their social media. If you peek looking for something to feel upset about you will absolutely find something to feel upset about. If you canât avoid it entirely try âputting it offâ for as long as you can. Set a goal to check tomorrow instead of today, or challenge yourself to wait until 6pm to look, for example. Practise self-control even if youâre not all the way there yet.Â
If thereâs something reasonable that would help you to feel more secure ask for it, donât expect your partner to read your mind.
Donât beat yourself up about feeling jealous. Itâs a very human feeling and nobody is above it, regardless of their relationship style or experience.Â
Be kind to yourself, practice good self-care, treat yourself gently. Plan something nice for yourself. Focusing on your wellness helps to make you stronger.Â