The Midnight Channel

This is to all that I have been fortunate to meet and have interacted with in my lifetime: Thank you. I am not saying goodbye for I am not leaving. Not in a million years. I have a life that I need to figure out and live on my best terms. But rather, it is an admittance of humanity. That I cannot live on my own. I cannot make myself who I need to be without others to help me.  As such, I have decided to keep this blog under hiatus. Atleast for a while. Even though it was inactive for quite a long time before, I am leaving it open for those that need to see a whole different perspective in life. Something that I desperately needed for quite a long time. And in a gesture of good will, I hope this blog helps you realize that you are not alone. And that with every heartbreak, healing is just another moment away.  I have the most supportive family in the world. That I am very proud of. Not just my immediate family, but of my extend family as well. They mean well and I am nothing without them. I was born in the family, and it’s my responsibility to make them proud. For acceptance is a difficult thing to have, and yet they have given it to me unconditionally.

I am content with my life. Maybe not that contented but I am happy. I have lived the life I have led and I have no qualms for it to end any time soon. I am an advocate of dramatic flair in everything I put my mind into. So keep yourself ready, for tears will always be a stone’s throw away. Once I’ve stood myself back up to where I feel I am better than I was before, I will be back. To be the same dude who was never contented with life. To dream beyond the stars and act freely with gusto as to what I want. Because life is not about rules, it’s about compromise. To deal with what you can and let go of what you cannot. 

They say that a life is destined to a particular route and ending. That a life of destined journey cannot be changed. But I for one, do not believe so. I believe that destiny is the culmination of all the choices we have and life is the chronicles of these choices.   I have been diagnosed with chronic depression or dysthymia. I was sceptical at first, given how I was in life. But as time passed, I realized how serious it was. I always thought it was teenage angst and adolescent resistance to rules.  I was wrong.

Depression is a really serious thing. It would eat at you at every chance it could get. It denies you of every morsel of delight in life. It literally sucks the life out of you. But life is not about being down. It’s about standing back up. Every single time.  Thinking it couldn't be any worse that it could, it did.

I found out after a series of test that I suffer from stress cardiomyopathy. Sounds very medical. At first I was laughing it off as some weird illness, but when they told me it’s other known name “Broken Heart Syndrome”, it made sense. I was a collection of broken dreams, promises, a lifetime of heart breaks and a whole plethora of traumatic experiences. It was only natural for me to have it. Given my family’s long history with heart ailments. Also, this sickness is triggered by extreme stress brought about by strong emotions of grief. Classy. I was in fact, a walking time bomb. I could suffer from a heart attack from anything and anywhere. Given that I suffer from depression and I prefer the solitary lifestyle, I could suffer from an attack at any moment. I reveled in this thought. I was capable of killing myself indiscriminately. But then again, I am of not one but of many families. Groups of people that care about me, indiscriminate of what I had or what I felt. They wanted me to be me for me. No expectations, only acceptance.

It has been a full month since I have decided to keep everything about how I feel under total lock and key. But it seems that no matter how difficult it is to keep things under wraps, truth always spills along the holes of your resolve.

I have been in love with my best friend for the longest time. The love of my life as it would seem, friendship shy of 8 years, She has been my everything at every single turning point of my life. She was the person who gave me the strength to go through with life behest total anguish, for I know she would be there for me. As the years go by, I've found myself wondering of the possibilities of us. I was wrong.