mooshoo.

I tried. Holy shit, I tried.

While nobody gets married thinking that they're going to get divorced, I knew that the odds were against me and Sarah from having a "happily ever after" with one another. I was in love, codependent as hell, and figured that I would enjoy the ride while it lasted.

Two weeks ago, I filed for divorce. Now, in about 60 days, someone down in Frankfort, Kentucky is going to sign his name to a piece of paper that will mark the end of my marriage. I thought I would be more upset about this. You spend 8 years with someone -- 6 of those as husband and wife -- talking to them every day, growing together, and tackling everything that life can throw at you together…and now it's over. You're never going to see that person again. It survived alcoholism. It survived a global pandemic. It survived an affair. Yet it still died.

I haven't shed a single tear for this death. The reason for that, I think, is that I'm walking away from this knowing that I gave it everything that I had. I was a good husband. But no matter how good I was, alcohol, the opinions of her friends and family, the attention of other men, and herself were more important. They were always going to be.

As much as I would like to focus on the good times -- to which there were many -- all that I can think about is how she's not going to be able to hurt me again. All those nights that I had to carry her to bed after she had drank herself unconscious…all those times that I had to be terrified of social gatherings because I didn't want to be the bad guy that cut her off…pleading with her to stay and help me fix our marriage instead of taking an Uber to another man's house…those are all scars that I'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life. I don’t have to hide those scars anymore.

I was never good enough for her. That’s okay. I’m starting to learn that I’m good enough for me. 

You would like to think that you’ll never have to worry about online dating again once you get married, right? Well, try buying a house. They’re basically the same damn thing. 

You see each other...you try to envision a future with them...you *heart* them. You make arrangements to meet up. It’s awkward at first. Is that them? They don’t look as good as their pictures. You get to know one another a little bit more. You talk about your exes for way too long. Then you say your goodbyes and plan to hang out again.

Hey Joshua, what have you been up to?

2017 was very good to me. It involved a lot of work and stress, but it provided me with so many precious moments and personal milestones. 

- I got married. It was the single most perfect day of my entire life. I can only hope that everyone finds the love and happiness that Sarah has brought into my life. 

- I began to thrive in school. I made the Dean’s List and the Honor Society while also working a full-time job. School is so much easier when you actually commit yourself to doing well -- and Quizlet...that helps a lot too. 

- I got Invisalign. I have always been self conscious about the gap in front of my teeth. I rarely smiled because of it. I went to the dentist and gave him a ridiculous amount of money and I had to wear (at times) very painful aligners for the better part of a year. It worked, though! I got beautiful, Hollywood-like teeth now. I still don’t smile, though. 

- Work is going well. I’ve joined committee’s, I’ve taken on more responsibility and I began mentoring with the COO of the company. Basically, I just did a bunch of things that’ll make my resume look better. But I’m learning so much and gaining a ton of experience. 

- Finally, I went and talked to a doctor about my long battle with anxiety. I’ve had terrible anxiety since around the time that I started high school and it’s caused me so much grief throughout my life. It’s caused me to be uncomfortable with myself, alone, and has been the root cause for a lot of my dark moments and failed relationships. Being that I’m now married and can’t exactly isolate myself away from the world anymore to deal with it like I used to, I finally sought medical help. The medication that I was put on has caused a night and day difference. I wish I hadn’t been ashamed and got help earlier.

There’s a part of me that really misses that old Tumblr community. That time back in 2007-2012ish when it was just the absolute coolest. Everyone knew everyone’s business, we all had relationships and it was a creative resource. It was the first site that you went to in the morning and it was the website that you stayed on 3-hours after the time that you said you needed to go to bed. Now it’s really nothing more than a time capsule. I do enjoy going through those old posts and seeing how life was back then. I’m not proud of a lot of the immature things that I used to post, but I am proud of how far that I’ve come since then.

Since it’s been awhile, here’s how my life is going…

I’m about to turn 33. How did that happen?

My face healed pretty well from this. There’s a scar, but you can hardly see it unless it’s really cold outside. In that case it turns various shades of purple and red, like a boss fight from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle arcade game.

School is going very well. If I can somehow hang on to this 94 that I have in my astronomy course, I’ll have made the Dean’s List -- which is huge for me because I don’t think that I’ve ever made an honor roll of any kind in my life. School is so much easier when it’s not full of drama and eating disorders.

Work is going great. I just got a sweet raise and I’ve started a mentorship with our Senior Director and COO. Things are definitely on the up and up.

I’m getting married in a little over 6 months from now. I couldn’t be happier with my relationship. I look through this old Tumblr and I see posts from the times that I was in other relationships. I see the good times and I remember the bad. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing. This is the happiest that I’ve ever been and I have no doubt that I’m with my person. 

Aside from having to end my relationship with my mother -- which is a long, ridiculous story -- every aspect of my life is just absolutely fantastic. I think that it’s important to realize that we don’t all need to take the same path. I look back on my old Tumblr posts and I see a guy that wasted his entire 20′s and really underachieved. But that’s okay, because I’m on my own path and I needed to figure my shit out on my own and when I was ready. Do your thing and don’t worry about comparing yourself to others. And surround yourself with people that love you, that support you and that aren’t going to take advantage of you. With that support system, you’ll be capable of so much more than you could have ever imagined. That’s the most important thing that I wish I could go back and tell that old Mooshoo.

That Power Rangers movie is waaaaaaaaaay better than I expected.

Horizon is the best game that I’ve played lately. I really love that story and the world that they’ve built. It’s basically the complete opposite of how I feel about that new Mass Effect game. Fuuuuuuck that game (so far).

I have school tomorrow.

That’s something that I haven’t said since May of 2007. The world was different back then…

There was no iPhone

Digg was far more popular than Reddit

Alisson Reynolds sent me an invite to this Myspace-ripoff called Facebook that looked incredibly lame

Tobey Magurie was still Spiderman

George Bush was president

Guitar Hero was an obsession

People were “cranking that” Soulja Boy

I still remember how nervous I was when I asked Sarah to “officially” be my girlfriend. We had been dating for about a week and a half at that point, but the two of us were just inseparable. We would see each other every single day, we would be doing something every night, and when we weren’t together, we were texting or talking on the phone like we were teenagers. It was so strange in that we were both going through a very tough time in our lives and neither of us were really looking for anything serious. We just happened to find each other. Stupid dumb luck.

I remember that it was late that night and we had just returned to my place from an exciting night out. I had taken her out to meet my friends for the very first time, which was a really big deal for me. At that point, I knew I was going to ask and I was so nervous about potentially screwing it up. I didn’t want to be the guy who goes, “…so what are we?” The two of us sat there smooching on the couch – as we do– and I made sure that I had a couple of drinks in me to give me that extra boost, the courage I needed to just suck it up and go for it. Looking back on it, I didn’t plan it all that well. I didn’t have flowers or a balloon or anything like that…I just looked around, grabbed the closest thing that I could reach and handed it to her. In this case it was a drink coaster. “Will you be my girlfriend,” I asked.

“Yes.”

Everything that has transpired since that moment has been so incredible that I cannot even put it into words. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve never been loved in the way that she loves me; I’ve never been pushed in the ways that she’s pushes me to be a better me. Being in a relationship with her has been the most rewarding, healthy and loving thing that I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. There was an exact moment that I can pinpoint to when I realized that I was going to marry that girl. It was mid-October and we were down visiting one of Sarah’s friends in Nashville. While walking through the city one evening, we came across this music festival. As we’re there in this park that is extremely packed, Family of the Year starts to perform. They begin playing “Hero,” their song that was featured in the film ‘Boyhood’. It was just one of those moments that you can only describe as magical. The atmosphere was just so electric, she looked so beautiful in that moment, and the weather couldn’t have been better. Something inside me just took over and I grabbed her hand and the two of us just started slow dancing in the middle of this sea of thousands of strangers. That was it. That’s when I knew.

This last Saturday, Sarah, myself and some friends were down in Hilton Head for one last summer getaway. That evening we were on South Beach, this place that was known for it’s beautiful sunsets and its abundance of dolphins in the distance. While there were no dolphins, the sunset did not disappoint. As the sun began to sink into the horizon, I asked Sarah if she wanted to go for a little walk. She was a bit apprehensive about it for a second. I mean, who would want to leave that moment when you were surrounded by your friends and you’re having a good time? She did, though, not knowing that the reason I’d been so awkward and quiet that evening was because I had a ring in my left pocket that was going to change our lives forever. We walked hand-in-hand down the beach until my heart began to beat so fast that I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned to her…

“It was about a year ago at this time that I gave you that coaster and asked you to be my girlfriend. Do you remember that?” She nodded. “Well, I don’t have a coaster…but I do have this…” I took the ring box from pocket, opened it up and got down on one knee. I’ll never, ever forget the look on her face. It was just pure emotion. The largest, most beautiful smile and eyes that were quickly filling with tears. “Will you be my wife,” I asked.

“Yes.”

In the last week, I drove from Cincinnati to Chicago, got on a plane and flew to Toronto, got on another plane and flew to Dublin, got on a train and rode to Galway, got in a car and drove to The Cliffs of Moher, got back into the car and drove to Killarney, drove back to Dublin, got on another plane and went to Chicago, got in a car and drove to Cincinnati.

Nearly 9,000 miles later, my incredible vacation has come to an end.