Moon

Death is weird, one day you were here and the next you weren’t. i tried to call you on a pay phone that day, it rung and rung until the voicemail beeped. I tried to talk you out of it then, told you i loved you and mom would miss you too much, tried to convince you to come over and sit on the curb with me one more time, like we used to when everyone else had gone home and it was just us. i tried to ask you to go back, undo what you’d done. but it was too late then, you were already gone, onto whatever come next, and no matter how much i want to, we can’t go back to 12 years old under the basketball goal.

I’m sick to my stomach again, regurgitating all the things i didn’t know that i knew. Silence has a way of poisoning if you let it stretch on long enough.

I went to failure island and nobody was there, god told me it’s because there is no such thing as failure, only humans with their heavy hearts and hopeful eyes.

Nothing is meant to stay, nothing matters more than surviving

loneliness has been gnawing on my bones and for a second i felt okay. it felt right and now. now i just feel like i’m not enough, not enough, not enough. throw me from the tallest building before i do it myself. hold my hands before they do something bad. i am not a good person, often im not sure im a person at all, just a mismatched mixture of all the worst qualities i’ve ever had, a monstrosity of my own making. loneliness might decay the teeth out of my head, but at least she holds on tighter than him. nothing can stop me now, im falling, falling, again.

then suddenly i’m keeping my shoes on, keys in hand. i’m not leaving my lipgloss or a note. i have to be ready to go, ready to sprint out the door and never come back. but look, i’m chained to the bed frame, my toothbrush is on the bathroom counter, my lips pursed, my feet are melting into the floor, but i have to go, I have to leave, i have to not come back for my sweatshirt, i have to leave my wrists on your desk. i’ll find new ones, i’ll find a different love, a different life, i just need to make it out the door, and quickly.

Nothing hurts worse than loving you. nothing hurts worse than loving.

Everything will go! the time, the people, the places you know like the back of your hand. this is all fleeting! but i’ll be damned if i don’t drink up every drop of sunlight on my face today, if i don’t spend every second like it’s my last penny. I am fleeting too, and the world will experience me as much as i am experiencing it. we are a mirror held to each other, and if all I leave behind is my laughter, i’d have done something purely sublime.

This time the past has not come to haunt me, it has come to say hello. it’s passing me by, waving and smiling. warm and kind.

i feel unclean and peeling my skin off won’t save me from being tainted by attempts to feel loved. a glass of water is just a glass of water but i could romanticize you handing it to me in moonlit rooms we stayed in and fall in love with the condensation stuck to your fingertips.

i can tiptoe around the feeling of un belonging. but i’m trying to make a dead thing living and breathing like someone with clean lungs is certainly impossible now. i’m choking on the longing. leave me on the sidewalk and don’t look back, leave me bloody and bruised, save yourself because sorrow is contagious and i’m diseased with memories i can never return to.

I never once wanted anything i could truly have.

Life was hard, walking and talking and going to work was hard. i’d look in the window to watch happy people having good times and wish i was there with them. press my nose to the window of the restaurant staving, freezing. yet I could never go in, see, the doors were locked, the food was cold. instead i imagined i was one of them too. a happy person, having a good night.

I miss everyone i’ve ever met and i wish i never met everyone i miss