The Vertigo Sessions

It’s been so full of adventure and I have so much to be thankful for, but I am so heart broken and lost.

After the most stressful and terrifying month of my life, I have a second chance at following my dreams and moving forward. Nothing short of a miracle and I am so thankful and humble. A lot of hard work from here but, man, if I survived this ordeal, I can do anything.

My new job is hard and I’m having trouble keeping up.

My friend won’t talk to me anymore because our mutual friend asked me out on a date.

I’m incredibly homesick but home is too far away and too expensive to get to.

I want to travel more next year but I have no one to go with.

I can’t motivate myself to study for anything.

I feel incredibly lonely.

I feel incredibly lost.

2017 was a year of high highs and low lows.

The highs:

I got a new job, met Josh and had a wonderful time with him, went home for the summer, spent the summer in the mountains and at the beach, bought my first car, renewed my work visa, painted a decent amount, saw my college friends, signed up for a grad class and really grew a lot as a person.

The lows:

Breaking up with josh, my heart break over Kristian, losing my friend over stupid boy drama which she created, struggling in my career field, stressful visa stuff, and wasted time over guys who weren’t worth it.

There is a lot I want for 2018 but I feel like I don’t know how to achieve it. I feel stuck and I hate that I only use this blog when times are hard. A small part of me wishes I had documented more of my time with josh, family and this incredible summer, but another part of me thinks that there’s beauty in just experiencing things in the moment. I wouldn’t say I’m heart broken, but I definitely feel dejected and directionless. I don’t even know why I still write here.

- I landed a job at my dream company last month. I’ve been working here for about three weeks. I’m happy, adjusting and learning a lot. I feel a lot of guilt about leaving my old job after not giving my best effort, but I am trying to forgive myself. It was sad and awkward to leave but I know that this is a step in the right direction. 

- Josh and I are still together. He’s been away for work this whole month so it will be interesting to see what the dynamic will be like when he gets back next week. We even had The Talk before he left. We decided to take things slow and just keep enjoying each other. I have had a lot of bad luck and heart ache this past year so Josh has been a breath of fresh air.  

- I feel a little lonely. My two closest friends in Seattle are leaving for grad school and while I have acquaintances, roommates and coworkers, I feel like I don’t have anyone here I can do anything and everything with like I used to. The past couple of weeks I’ve been visiting college friends, hiking with coworkers and hanging with my roommates. Hoping I find friends that I can form meaningful relationships with soon. 

- The car search is.... going. It has been so stressful looking for cars and I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I feel like I am still not ready to take on the responsibilities that come with owning, financing and insuring my own car. And then there’s the fact that driving still makes me so, so nervous!! I’m stressing out and I am starting to feel trapped without having a car. I hope getting a car is the right and responsible decision to make.

- I have some tax issues with my old company that need to be resolved sooner rather than later. I have had to send some very uncomfortable emails and honestly I’m so ready for this thing to be over before tax season next year.

- I miss summer already! It’s been cold and rainy and all I want to do is be back in the sunshine, in the mountains, in lakes, in the ocean, the list goes on. I miss wearing shorts and bikinis and being back home. The sun is rising later and setting earlier. It’s really hard to go out for my morning runs when it’s still pitch black outside. All the darkness makes me so tired. Plus, winter always leaves me feeling drained and sad so I’m hoping this year will be different.

- I’m not sure what to do with this side blog these days... it feels weird leaving my thoughts out for the internet to read but I need a place to write and writing in a journal isn’t as convenient anymore. So for now, I will keep writing. I have some cool pictures from this summer so I’ll get around to uploading those, I guess! 

- I finished a new painting last week!