<Entry dated: November 11, 2020>
Every since we met, before we really even knew each other, you were special. A fellow Aussie, someone I could talk to when I felt lonely and homesick, someone who knew what it was like to be alone somewhere without friends or family.
But now I have so many more reasons to call you special.
Iโm at a complete loss really on how to even start telling you what you mean to me. I think... I think I would be completely devastated if you werenโt in my life. Maybe thatโs a bit dramatic but I really feel like my life would be lesser if I didnโt have you. I donโt mean to remember or remind you of that time but Iโm sorry for even thinking that leaving you would somehow make your life better. I know it wouldnโt have made mine better, even then when I was doing it. I shouldnโt have tried to make that choice for you. And I am so, so happy you didnโt let me go.
Every once in a while I get really scared. I get really scared that Iโm not supposed to be in your life somehow. Itโs silly, I know, but youโre just so radiant. Even when youโve got the darkest circles possible under your bloodshot eyes and you havenโt slept in several days and your office is a total mess. Even when youโre about to drop dead on your feet and youโre going crazy from listening to the same track for four hours straight, youโre still glowing. You still emit this warmth that I couldnโt hope to match. And thatโs why Iโm scared. Iโm scared that Iโll mess up and take away your light. Iโm scared that Iโm not worth that light.
(Sorry for the smudge marks from here on out.)
But you, you in your endless patience, will take my hand and hold my face and look me right in the eyes and tell me that thereโs no where else you could imagine me. Youโll hold me closer than I think possible and youโll make me feel like Iโm the only one in the whole world who will ever know you like this. You make me feel like Iโm special, like Iโm worthwhile to have. Like I somehow deserve that light and deserve you.
Iโm going to formally apologize for the sides of myself Iโve shown you. I know youโre going to say itโs okay. Youโre going to say youโre glad I showed you. Going to say that you will accept and love those parts of me anyways even though they donโt deserve it. But Iโm sorry I have them. Iโm sorry Iโm always like this, so scared and small and weak. I always say Iโm going to be better, work harder. For you, I always will. But I know itโs hard to deal with me. I know itโs hard watching me like this. Iโm sorry for making you suffer. Iโm sorry for being hard to love.
I know youโre busy. Your work is so hectic with all your different clients and you have Channie-hyung and Chris-hyung to worry about and you have your own pack you lead and everything. I know youโre busy and I promised myself I wasnโt going to be a burden to you. I hope Iโm not even if I feel like I am.
You said before that I made you forget everything. That when youโre with me all you can think about is me. Is it selfish of me to want to give that to you more often? Take you away from the whole world and have you just. Be mine? It probably is. Really selfish even because I know you always have so much to do and you canโt leave all that and... I know itโs selfish because I want it, need it, just as much for myself as for you.
Sometimes I convince myself that Iโm important. I get through my own thick head and I manage to live that reality for a couple days. Weeks if Iโm lucky. I fend off the shadows that live in my head and my heart and on those days, I feel like I can just be with you. Those are my favorite days. Those are the days Iโll laugh with you and youโll comment on how happy I seem and Iโll answer because I am happy. And more and more I find that I can be strong because of you. More and more I find that the shadows go away because of you.
Ah jeez this is just. Not at all what I wanted to say but now that itโs written I canโt bring myself not to give it to you. So thank you for reading this far.
Hereโs what I really wanted to say. You are the warmth of the sun after a day of rain. You are the voice in my head that reassures me that Iโm real and that Iโm wanted. You are the one I know I can call on, no matter what, even though I wonโt sometimes because of my stupidity. Youโre an existence in my life that I donโt want to live without.
Thank you for always checking in on me. Thank you for being the support I need to stand on days when Iโm crumbling. Thank you for respecting my space and never invading it. Thank you for teaching me what it means to lead and be a leader even though Iโm not ready for that yet. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for chasing away everything that hurts me even when itโs myself. Thank you for making tteokbokki and remembering I canโt eat spicy things and making it mild. Thank you for giving me your hoodie when I was cold and missing you. (Sorry about the other one.) Thank you for showing me your work and taking a break when I asked. Thank you for running baths for me. Thank you for massaging my legs whenever Iโm sore. Thank you for finding me Halloween night. Thank you for loving every part of me, even the pieces I still havenโt glued back together.
There will be a million chances after this to tell you too, I know. But Iโll say it now anyways because I canโt bottle it anymore.
I love you too.
I love you more than the sun loves the sky or the stars love the moon. Seeing you even for a moment, even just in passing, gives me so much joy. Hearing your voice, whether itโs soft and gentle or loud and proud, makes my heart flutter. Feeling your touch, when itโs you taking my hand or brushing my hair back or pressing a kiss to your favorite freckle (how do you even remember which one it is?), grounds me and reminds me that I am more than the things I think I am. That Iโm learning and growing and becoming a better person for the people around me. For you.
I told you I missed home. I missed home a lot, all the way across the ocean. But youโve made me a new home right here. And this home is warm and cozy, strong and steady, kind and understanding. This home has a sweet sound, gently beating beneath my ear and it tastes like summer air. This home smells like pine trees and cologne. This home, my home, has a heartbeat and I will always, always want to go back home.
@moonlightchn
<Felix has returned to the system and is open to interactions again>












