cut all contact. i dont think i wanna talk to anyone of my friends or family. after the 13th (family event) im cutting everyone off.

ask the tutorial agency for work. i need to work alongside taking midyear classes

fix routine. need to prove to myself that i can stick to one

get a gym membership (?) if im going into a spiral, might as well have something stable in my routine

guilt for not being good enough. guilt for not showing up for myself a lot. does anyone feel that? like when they've done something wrong, they just know they're probably going to blame themselves for a bit and carry the guilt every month like they're on a fucking subscription?

these days, i feel like i've been carrying more guilt than i ever have. more resentment, more loathing. some are directed at me. some are directed towards others.

there are other things but commuting really takes the cake. it takes 3-5 hours of my day, takes away a lot of hours from my sleeping time, takes my energy away that i dont have enough to study when i get home, etc.

solution obviously is to dorm but if i do, im gonna be the one to have to fund it. my mom cant (and probably wont) fund anything else, except for my measly transportation bcs her job sucks (we've talked and argued abt this, wc was pointless bcs it literally does nothing to solve the problem and everything to hurt her feelings). i cant get a freaking job bcs this is not a degree that i get a job for. this degree is kinda like a jealous partner, it only wants my attention on them and when it's not, it sets out to destroy my life. so part time jobs are my only options, which most part time work is not reliable bcs i could earn this month and none for the next.