self aware

"Life is a bowl of soup and I'm a fork" is hitting hard today.

I don't want to be at work but if i just slept all day I don't think that would make me feel better either.

I feel useless. I feel unimportant. But mostly I feel lonely even though I'm constantly around people...people I like and love.

I thought I was doing okay one might say getting better but I'm afraid I rebounded or whatever and I hate feeling sad for myself it feels pointless because i'll appear happy and fake it until its happy all the time. Its pointless for me to be sad for myself.

I was her first it was like in had a sensor go off and looked right at her (she didn't see me yet) but I wasn't going to say anything buy she came closer and so I did. She looked at me dumbfounded and literally saw the brain fog, she said hi back and did the sounthernly thing of asking how each were but as soon as we did the pleasentries she turned around to finish getting the stuff she needed and mumbled under her breath. I don't know what she said it could've just been a mental reminder- I don't want to look to much into it. She said bye when she was leaving and I told my partner who was next to me that I would've considered her one of my best friends in high school we spent so much time together on the weekends and so many sleepovers and told each other everything. My partners response; uh really? Because she didn't look like she wanted to talk to you at all.

Just goes to show how much we have drifted apart in 11 years.