Contemplations

I’m in a rut. The lunar calendar is on my screen and the moon does not align with my schedule.

 “When’s the new moon? Why’s it always on a weekday?”

 It’s this type of thing that happens. I have a wish or dream but “the stars aren’t aligning”. Is it that much to ask? I just want the new moon to happen on a Friday or Saturday night so I can gaze at millions of stars. But as always, it’s not easy. I have to align with the moon’s cycle, not the other way around. What’s more, many other factors inhibit this experience. My hands are tied with work, people, other responsibilities. Nothing’s matching up and every attempt at planning hits a roadblock.

(Written a while back and quotes are paraphrased)

 - Have you seen the Conjuring?

- No, and I don’t want to watch it. I don’t like scary movies.

-You should go see it.

- What did I just say…

 When I realize an empty Saturday is approaching, all I can feel is excitement. Perhaps these past years of serving in ministry and attending endless Saturday meetings have forced me to treasure and look forward to a Saturday where I have no plans.

 Well, I guess it wasn’t unplanned, in fact, it was decently planned. We pretty much had to carry out the same tasks we usually do to get to LA…scheduling, timing etc.

 I believe I initiate most of our hangouts though this was one of those rare occasions where I was not the initiator. It was still exciting to be amongst an entertaining bunch. It’s interesting to see how our personalities mesh and I’d like to think even if we weren’t part of the same church, we’d still be friends. Though I’m unsure how close we would have been, maybe just acquaintances.

 -How’d you find us?

-You guys aren’t hard to find…

 I will admit, perhaps it was her and me who always made our group stick out, but is there such thing as museum etiquette? Or a guide for it? Even if there was that wouldn’t stop us from making jokes about our brothers or commenting on their reactions. However, we are learning to respect them as brothers. I appreciate how much they put up with our bantering and regularly reciprocate with their own sarcastic comments.  

 - I wonder what superglue they’re using to hold all these up? You should use that on your mirror.

 I never expected to go to a science museum with this bunch. I mean we all have vast interests and many of these interests don’t overlap (except maybe hiking and singing). Nevertheless, I think we all found the exhibits interesting even if we didn’t understand everything. I, for one, always needed someone to explain what the descriptions meant. One part of the exhibit showed what people from around the world would eat in a week. We jokingly commented, “Oh, yah if that was him, he would have a tableful of granola bars! Oh, he def would have all boba.”

 -Can you hangout after the meeting?

-(slowly) I can….

 My highlight was seeing the Kelp Forest and being in awe of all the sea creatures swimming in the aquarium. One guy was intrigued by the mechanical operations of the engine and liked explaining how stick shift worked. Another yawned.

 -Wow, he’s taking a long time to wash his hands

-He said you’re supposed to wash them for two minutes

(He walks back to us then turns around and washes for another minute)

  There’s something comforting about sitting/studying with comrades in a café while sipping $6 coffee. I gave myself the task of finishing my memory verses for the week since last week was such a scramble. Never would I expect him to be so precise on verses...and not give hints.  It’s surprising what you can discover about your friends during these random moments. On that note, seeing her study gave me a glimpse of what she must have been like in Berkeley. One studious girl who really put high priorities in school. I was the complete opposite.

 -Typeracer. Seriously?

-I need to warm up to type my homework.

 At the the Mongolian restaurant, I mostly remember hearing how my voice kept going on and on. Oh and macro pictures of wonton chips. Is that art? We discussed about traveling overseas together for fun, though I don’t believe that would ever happened. I mentioned maybe when we’re all married and can bring our spouses on the trip.

 -That’s gonna take 10 years.

  During the drive back, just remember us talking about meeting

 -Are you tired? I’m so tired.

-Nope! I’m energized!

Shattered and sanctified

It uplifts my emotions, feelings Hope Happiness Revival

Time past and my thoughts overwhelming Pessimism  Anxiousness Suffocation

Spontaneous and unprocessed thoughts

__________

She held on to his hand For now, she couldn't let go. He led her to an evergreen forest Where leaves and moss never browned And showed her what "eternity" was.

Her eyes beheld the trees around her And pondered how their magnitude covered everything around them. Unchanging and unsettling. Beautiful yet suffocating. 

She knew she would be here a while Holding his hand and by his side. But she knew she would one day leave And venture beyond the moss, leaves and pines.

Cheers to quiet times at coffee shops. Why is it good quiet times occur when I have to pay for coffee?

My thoughts are scattered but I hope it makes sense..

This past week has been a number of emotions. Anxious, relieved, encouraged, disheartened, fearful, distressed, blessed, fun, tiring and I’m sure there’s others. I’m surprised I was able to continue EV-ing throughout the week. Perhaps, it’s my competitive spirit (though not the right attitude, God can still use it to spur me on).

I’ve learned to never hope in conversations. Though they say they may be interested, I can’t be too sure till I see them again and again. Texting is always hard just because there are countless times where no one replies and yet, we’re still called to hope. I pondered on the lack of fruit I was seeing this morning. Am I surrendered to a ministry of rejection and be a sower instead of a reaper? Biblical examples such as Isaiah and Jeremiah only affirm sowing is hard and we will experience more rejection than fruit.

I began to repent knowing I wanted fruit for my own and not for God (but that’ll take more repentance because oh the things I do for man’s approval). Then, these questions came up: Do I even have the assurance of salvation? How deeply do I know the cross and the price he paid? I do have these thoughts ever so often especially in moments where I do things from the flesh rather than being led by him. Disturbed by these thoughts, I reflected on the cross and meditated how he still loved me despite all my imperfections. Somehow this led me to see all the times Jesus was there loving me throughout the week. In every conversation I had with students. In serving with my brothers and sisters. In friends.

 In EV-ing

Only now, do I see Jesus in every conversation. In the past, God encouraged me that even showing them a glimpse of Jesus is great. I may never meet them again but at least they learned about him. Now, I realize, I see glimpses of Jesus through talking to them.

Many girls just listened to me go on and on, but the fact is these were opportunities God gave me to talk with them. I can’t deny their kindness of lending me some of their time. What’s more, these conversations showed me there are people willing to listen and ask questions. Even if their hearts are not there yet, they were still willing to lend an ear and hear my beliefs. This is how Jesus loved me: Giving me these opportunities and their time.

Sowing is hard because it consists of constant pouring out. I was reminded of my summers overseas. I expected to pour out to the students, yet they were the ones that showed me Jesus’ love. They surrounded me with their love and affection and that’s something I never expected. In a similar way, even in these strangers, I see him. They could have shrugged me off (and yes, I do experience some of that) but instead, they gave me their time. EV-ing will still be hard but God is showing me how he can love me through it.

 In Fellowship and Friends

I always fail to see him in people around me. Maybe it’s because I see them too much but God is encouraging me to see him too in their actions, words and presence.

I saw Jesus when she willingly went with me to EV. Wow, she’s really grown!

I saw Jesus when he EV-ed to a girl while she blocked the sun. Not what I expected but I’m glad they encouraged her to go together.

I saw Jesus when he sat on the wall praying (I think he was) while looking a bit disheartened. Yet, he kept preserving.

I saw Jesus when they were willing to help reorganize the shelves right on the spot. No complaints but only teamwork. 

I saw Jesus when I prayed someone would approach me and ‘lo and behold, someone did. It’s interesting to see him constantly taking time to talk to students.

I saw Jesus when she persevered to meet up with girls and EV even after working late. Even serving me by buying me a cake from a place so far away.

My mother says my first words were “No-no”. I can only assume this word was used countless times by her and thus, it became my own. Isn’t that what all babies and toddlers hear? Besides “mommy” or “da-da”, they’ll hear “no” to many of their actions because it’s for their own good.

 God answers prayers. He really does but sometimes (if not most of the time) his answer is “no”. “No, you can’t hang out with this guy” “No, you can’t have this talent-pride comes before the fall.” “No, you can’t have this job.” “No, you can’t go on this trip with friends (He made it situationally unfeasible).” “No. You can’t be photogenic.” “No. You can’t have a pretty face or a body of a model.” The list goes on and on.

 Now, for ministry, it gets even trickier. “No? I can’t have follow ups right now? “No? I can’t see someone come to Christ?” “No? I can’t find someone who’s interested?” But, am I not doing what you’ve commanded me? What am I doing wrong to make you say “no”?

 1 Cor. 15:58-Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

What does it mean to give myself fully to the work of the Lord? I guess I found my root issue. As I process, I realize many times, it’s to bring myself glory and perhaps that’s why God has not brought much “fruit” in my life in terms of ministry.

 Psalm 127:1-Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.

I felt high all summer or at least, comparing to what happened during this season, everything else to come seems the opposite. Externally processing, I’m realizing how my feelings and thoughts (definitely not all godly or wise) were filled with hope, curiosity and interest. As the summer comes to an end, these emotions have transformed into a sense of loss and I don’t understand it.

I never found fall appealing. Perhaps, it entailed dry windy days or school starting, but if I was to ponder on the fall that is to come, I can only I say, it’ll be my fall…literal fall. This sense of loss is a premonition. 

During one meetup, I realized, I have nothing to look forward to (is it selfish for a 23 year old to think this?) A time of excitement has ended and in its place, is a hole. Well, the hole was always there and these activities, moments, and memories were just temporary fillings.

(no lie, i actually like this one)

If we are to be, each other’s one

And you are to ruin me until I'm undone

Then let me warn you

I’m not the perfect one you pictured

In fact, I’m nothing like her

I’m not like the girls you’ve loved before

or the one that you were looking for.

I’ll be the one that you least expected

The one that will struggle to feel accepted

by you. 

With words, they can’t express

With feelings, they can’t explain

This life’s emotions, how can one blame

Anyone who feels this same

 Why do I feel

These things that surround me

Hardened to reveal to those around me

To keep to myself and drown in streams of despair

  And to my selfish self

I’ll say to myself

Your despair does not compare

To those from anywhere

Keep to yourself

22 was the year she failed

22 was the year she cried

22 is the year You'll rise

It started with a blast

A year filled with uncertainty yet hope

A young girl on her way to find her place in the world

But 22 turned on her

As failure after failure came

As she felt so alone in her Godforsaken world

Everything seemed hopeless

Because God was surely in control,

Surely he was not for her

Surely he was not working for her good 

Because she twisted Romans 8:28....oh she twisted it good.

A pessimist, a cynic, yes, she was all those

Because, why on earth, would he bless her?

Complaints after complaints,

To late night screaming and yelling, all the things she called "laments"

Oh God why oh God, What is your plan? She's lost sight of your plan.

And here we are....still pessimistic.....still 22

“Nevermind. But I’m disappointed”

They became what they wanted to be. A friend recently said this to me during a conversation about our old classmates. Through our perception, these people have become what they aspired to be in high school. What stereotype they wanted to assimilate in, what type of friends they wanted to be associated with etc. For myself, I wonder if the same thing has happened too. Did I become what I aspired to be. What’s more, is who I have become really the true me.

 Looking back, I had a vague vision of what I wanted people to perceive me as. I knew that college would be a time for me to start “anew”. To become the person I wanted to become. I started to listen to Indie rock and alternative music because that’s what I wanted people to associate me with. This is what the cool people listen to, I thought. Or maybe they would think of me as someone that listened to deeper things than those pop hits. Yes, that was the beginning I will admit…but now I wonder, do I really love it? Or have I just programmed myself to like these songs and not skip them when they come on the radio. Now, this is only one example in my life and I’m not saying that my love for alternative or indie rock music is not real. Though I do believe its origins may not have been genuine, I believe it has become a part of me. What we choose to like (whether it be organic or not), is a part of us. Perhaps, I shouldn’t even ask “is it really me” but rather “did it become a part of me”?