The monster child you gave birth to

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[......... ...I... ...I can't see you...anymore...

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[...Do you remember? The first time I was alone with you...?

We were alone in a grassy field... You said you suddenly came up with a melody... And you whistled it.

...When I heard it...I became envious...of you... ...So, I whistled a melody...too.

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[But... Don't think...we have failed... Because there is...no failure.........

...I don't know...anything...but that much...I know.

There is...no failure... That's...for someone else to decide... That's for the people wearing masks to decide...

There is no failure...between you and me... There is no doing well...either... Everything just happened...as they happened...

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[I...passed away...before you... But I didn't mean to...

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[The true name of Juice and Psyche... Juice and Psyche are both names given to the images of me perceived by Yang...

Juice and Psyche both spoke the words Yang wanted to hear... What you heard in this world...were words Yang wanted to hear...

The true name of Juice and Psyche is...

...Lou.

That is...our name... The only name...

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[When you finished throwing garbage, your face returned. You looked sad after you threw away the garbage.

I didn't know what happened to me. I didn't know what I wished for. But once the desires were born inside, they never disappeared.

I got obsessed with the desire of not knowing what I want. As I got obsessed more with my desire, you became sadder.

But you weren't just sad either. You began to throw away lots of garbage.

I thought you had lots of garbage you must throw away.

The more you threw away garbage in me, I felt I was getting closer to my desire.

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[When I faced all the masks, something started to overflow from me. I was swallowed by the things that overflowed from me. And I wished everything I could.

Touch me. Don't touch me. Caress me. Hit me. Don't hit me. Be happy. Be angry. Don't be angry. Forgive me.

Be sad. Don't be sad. Accept me. Hug me. torment me. Please suffer. Love me.

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[I was puzzled. Because the desire I once lost was rekindled slightly. I wanted to get closer to you who I can see the face.

But I couldn't think of any ways to get closer to you. Except one.

The only thing I could imagine. That was you throwing garbage into me.

So, I asked you, "Do you want to throw garbage into me?"

Then you said, "You're not a garbage can."

His words made me sad. Because it made me feel displaced.

So, I asked again. "Do you want to throw garbage into me too?"

You got upset. Very upset. And you threw garbage into me.

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[Then, a different person came. It was you. You were also wearing a mask at first.

But your black hole eyes gradually changed. And I started to see your face under the mask.

In a matter of time, I was able to see your face completely. It was the first time for me to see a person with a face.

You talked to me with eyes that weren't holes and took me outside. You waited for me even when I didn't say anything or stopped walking.

And you said you love me. I couldn't understand what you were saying.

I thought of myself as a garbage can because people only threw garbage into me.

All a garbage can does is just stand there with its mouth open. It is open so that people wearing masks can throw their garbage in.

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[The masks disappeared, leaving me behind. Since I couldn't do anything, I stayed still.

Then, a group of masks I didn't know came along. And they took me to a different place.

They were saying something, but I couldn't understand what they were saying at all.

The only thing I understood was that these people had no face either. Their eyes were black holes too.

The masks who I didn't know didn't throw violent garbage into me. But that was the only difference.

No one looked at me. There were only black hole eyes, the same eyes as the disappeared masks.

I ate the food offered by the masks I didn't know. And I began to stand up and walk.

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[I...I wanted to get closer to the people wearing masks. I wanted the people wearing masks to be happy. I wanted to be needed by the people wearing masks.

I thought if I get closer to them, their masks will disappear, and I'll be able to see their faces. I thought it would be possible if I tried hard. I thought they were faceless under the mask because of me.

But I no longer felt that way. I thought I can't do this anymore.

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[The closed me went inside my own hole.

No one could get into this hole. The masks couldn't get into this hole. I was the only one who could get in.

I waited inside the hole. Until it ended. Until the masks were satisfied...

Then, I started to hear angry voices. The masks yelled at each other every day.

The masks who yelled at each other came to see me. To throw garbage into me.

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[The masks looked at me with their hole eyes. Even if they're smiling or angry, the hole eyes were there.

My body froze when they looked at me with those eyes. I got paralyzed.

When I got paralyzed, the masks threw garbage into me. I was the masks' garbage can.

The masks threw all kinds of garbage into me.

Verbal garbage, violent garbage... Hard ones and soft ones... Fresh ones and rotten ones...

I was always filled with garbage, and the garbage that didn't fit in overflowed.

When garbage overflowed from me, the masks tried to push them back into me. Saying, "Get the garbage out of our sight."

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[...I was with people with no face.

Because they had no face, they all wore masks.

People had a variety of masks. Smiling mask, angry mask, troubled mask, crying mask...

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[I had a dream. I didn't know that I could dream. But that was me. I was small and looked like a shadow. My shadow probably looks like that. The shadow-like me was hugging something tightly. A fluffy brown thing. It wore a small bell around its neck.

Bon-chan... That's what I called the brown thing in the dream. Bon-chan was left abandoned at a garbage dump... Bon-chan was ragged. But it was very cute, and it looked at me. No one ever looked at me like that before. There was nothing scary hiding behind its eyes. I was drawn in by the eyes, and hugged Bon-chan in joy.

When I hugged Bon-chan, scary things went away. So, I always held Bon-chan when I was alone. I hid Bon-chan so nobody would find it. But because of the sound of its bell, it was found out by scary people. The scary people took Bon-chan away from me and stomped on it.

I started to wail, but the scary people laughed even louder, saying: "She's crying over losing this garbage"... ...What was that? Why did I dream such a dream...?

I feel stifled. I'm having trouble taking in air lately. What's wrong with me? There shouldn't be any problem. Am I fooling myself about something?

Oh no. I did it again. Although I was determined not to do it again. I must stop doing such a thing. My mind will fall apart if I keep on doing it.

Scary sound. The scary sound of me becoming something not me. The scary sound that comes from my body. It was by accident at first. As always, I just thought I'd imitate the sound of the music box. I don't know what happened. But my ego level suddenly decreased... It was scary. But I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I can't stop doing it. It's painful but I feel relieved when I do it. It makes me feel like I've been forgiven. I guess I'm fooling myself. Because I feel pain. I feel pain but there is nothing I can do. I can't stand that the only thing I can do is to endure it. If there is something I can do besides enduring it, I'll choose that. I can't help it.