Mono Chooses Poly

aka “what I’ve learned the hard way”

not playing the victim, my poly partner isn’t “doing” anything “to me”.

Letting go of the “if you would just…” and “if you loved me you would…” The pain/discomfort you feel is never an easy fix and we don’t control others actions.

Never use the words “always” or “never”…you may actually find out what those really mean and it’s not pretty.

Un communicated expectations or assumed behavior based on what I would do… is a relationship killer.

Therapy to figure out what I need vs. want, and to talk about my partner and O/our relationship INSTEAD of complaining to him. No one likes to be told they are “wrong” or “doing things wrong” or that they are a “bad person because they did/didn’t…” all the time. Realizing I shouldn’t complain to him about him…let it go somewhere else. Then have a logical conversation about what is really causing me/U/us pain.

His time is HIS TIME…as is mine. I don’t “deserve” any of it just because…

O/our relationship is ours, no one can replace me in his heart.

Patience has limits

Don’t try and control the relationship by boxing it in w/too many rules…the more you set the more chance of disappointment you’ll have. Talk about things, if you don’t agree then you have to find a middle ground or shift the relationship…and that sometimes means what role you play or even a parting of ways.

We agree to disagree on things - just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean I’m a doormat.

Enjoy the TIME I HAVE W/HIM NOW…don’t use what little time we get to “complain about not having enough time” … I will always want more time w/him. No matter what amount I actually have.

Love is not enough. Relationships are hard. No matter the dynamic.

I mean, it seems pretty obvious when you put it like that, right?

But how many families, when an introvert sibling or child makes an effort to socialize,  snarkily say, “So, you’ve decided to join us”?

Or when someone does something they’ve had trouble doing, say, “Why can’t you do that all the time?” (Happened to me, too often.)

Or any sentence containing the word “finally”. 

If someone makes a step, a small step, in a direction you want to encourage, encourage it. Don’t complain about how it’s not enough. Don’t bring up previous stuff. Encourage it.