Nurture to Nature

“Dating” in modern terms doesn’t mean you meet people face to face and go on a lot of dates. It’s much more difficult to meet a partner organically especially in your thirties, if you are not in school anymore, your friends don’t have other single friends, and since many people live behind their computer screens and no longer know how to communicate with people face to face. So you meet people where they are…behindtheir screens, online.

My “dating chronicles” could be an entire blog on it’s own, but we’ll just keep it here for now. I didn’t think I would meet many people here in Eugene because it’s much smaller and less diverse than Austin. The opposite has definitely happened, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. Most of the people below are those that I luckily have never met in person, but are still story worthy.  

Episode 1: Speech Pathologist that said too much:

Him: “I hate when people look nothing like their profile pics”.

Monica bubble thought: Really, sir, you look nothing like your model pics on your profile…and your profile says you are 5’11, and you can’t be taller than 5’4 and you make me sick to look at because…

Him: “I dated a girl that was raped on her first online date…but she already felt creepy with the guy…and…well she was drunk, so…”

Monica bubble thought: WTF!!!!!!!????!!! Are you kidding me!? Who the, what the…where am I!?  

Done.  

Episode 2: The Tinder Warning

I heard that “Tinder” was only for hook-ups, but I also have friends that have met nice, polite men not looking for hook-ups too. I thought it could be different in different cities, so why not try in Eugene (so naïve).

A guy started messaging me and seemed very nice. In the middle of texting he said “you know Tinder is for hook-ups, right and you don’t seem like you’re into that.” I said yes you’re correct; I’m totally not looking for that. I said I would update my profile to make it clearer.  He said he knows many of his friends are on for that, but he’s not (so naive).

He seemed genuine and he asked if I wanted to grab a drink that night. I said I had plans that night, and I was about to do some exploring in town, but I would message him if my night got done early. The entire day I was “exploring” he kept texting me asking weird questions. I was getting annoyed, and he would ask rude questions and would always say he was joking bc of our previous Tinder warning discussion.

And then this happened:

Him: “Will you just come over tonight, can’t we just have sex.”

Excuse me! I’m not joking people, it gets worse.

 Me: “I’m done. Thanks for the Tinder warning.”

Him: “I didn’t have much hope in you anyways.”

Me: “Thanks that’s a compliment.”

Him: “It’s not, you’re old and probably bad in bed.”

 He kept going and it’s too graphic for me to write, but this is the moment I learned how to block callers and block people from Tinder.

 It’s scary out there.

 Done.

 Episode 3: Missing Austin Charlie

Flannel, beard, beanie, thick glasses, full on hipster…what can I say, I was missing Austin and he called me “darlin”.

We were supposed to meet for ramen, but he never called me back. We never re-connected until he took my order at his coffee shop a month later. I was on another date. I had no idea he worked there. His double take said it all…

Eugene is small…I knew this would happen soon enough.

Episode 4: The non-Brit Brit

Before we met, we shared an England connection because he was “British” and because of my love and frequent trips, but after we met I asked why he had no accent (rather a very strong nasal accent instead):

Him: “Oh…I only lived there like for a few years, and left when I was like 3. I haven’t been back since.”

He did have British teeth…I’ll give him that.

Episode 5: The Nepali Tinder Re-try

Tried Tinder again, to have a Nepali guy slam me for not wanting to hook-up.

Him: “You’re not going to find your soul mate on here.”  

No comment…delete & block.

Good day to you sir.

Tinder account closed.

Episode 6: Behind the screens

The Puerto Rican that I met for a 30-minute coffee (that “Missing Austin Charlie” served me), and kept his head in the newspaper and couldn’t hold a conversation with me. Then apparently he thought it was the best date, and started texting me at 11:30pm and 2:30am and asking how my “match men” were doing. He was very expressive on text message and email, but could not speak with me or look at me in person.

After a 30-minute coffee and not talking to me…it’s not ok to text me at 2:30am.

I think it’s incredibly sad when people don’t know how to communicate in person anymore and they feel safer and more “themselves” behind the screen (on Facebook, texting, email). I’ve met a few men like this. And they genuinely seem like great men, but I don’t want to have a relationship with a safety screen.    

Episode 7: Totes Magotes

This is a good story “ya’ll”.

When I first created a match.com account in Austin about 2-3 years ago, one “Totes Magotes” came up as a match. I was sitting with a friend and loved what this guy wrote on his profile. He seemed very genuine, simple, kind, funny, carefree and had a great smile. His profile is one that I could take a photo of what he wrote, so when friends and family ask “What kind of partner are you looking for?” I can just send them that clip. I don’t know what he does for a living, or what his name is…but I connected with his words and could only think “this is the kind of person I’d love to meet.”

I messaged him in Austin, but he never messaged back. I always saw him pop up on my matches, and always wondered “Why Totes?”

After I got to Eugene, I filtered my search and tried to take a peak at local Indians in the PNW…I don’t even know if any came up for Eugene, so I opened up my “radius” search to 300 miles. Yes 300 miles. Don’t judge.  

Anyways, Totes Magotes popped up in my radius! Totes moved to Portland, Oregon! I messaged again. I told him I recognized him from Austin, and he messaged back! He said he was ready for change and adventure…and was still in route from Austin. He was in San Diego at that time, and taking his time to get to Portland.

I’m going to a friend’s concert on March 23rd in Portland and invited him to meet me there. He said yes! He also said, “we didn’t get to meet in Austin, but obviously we were meant to meet in Oregon.” Totes sweet.

We’ve only messaged a few times, and in the latest message he said he was still in route, and was not sure if he would reach Portland in time for the show, but will try.

I feel, especially in my dating life, I have a bank of great stories, but no happy ending (in the fairy tale sense, not the massage sense). So no matter how awesome this story sounds, it’s very difficult to stay optimistic. I would just really love to meet him friend or more...seems like someone I would really get along with.

I will keep you posted if Totes Magotes meets me at Mississippi Studios on March 23rd.

All of this reminds me of a conversation a friend and I had when I first started on-line dating. I was so resistant because I wanted “the story”. I’m a relentless romantic, and wanted my fairy tale damn it. But I know things don’t always go as planned...if it did...I would have been married 11 years ago with 2 kids, one in middle school and the other in elementary school. Thank goodness everything doesn’t go as planned and aren’t forced because I wouldn’t change anything that has happened and will happen. My stubbornness has eased, and I now know that it’s not about the “how”...but more about the “who” and “what”.

Totes Cont...

I should have posted sooner, but it felt weird that “Totes” is now part of my reality, rather than virtual reality. He's real and has a real name (not telling)! :) So it wasn’t as Hollywood as I assumed it would be or as I wrote it to be (surprising), but it was still great! He picked me up for dinner and then went to get tea and dessert. We giggled (yep that kind of laughing) and talked so easily. It felt like reuniting with an old friend. It was great talking about our favorite places in Austin and laughing that we never ran in to each other. He’s been there 10 years and I was there 9. 

He’s not too sure if he’s going to stay in Portland though. It’s not the change he was looking for (Portland and Austin are supposed to be “sister cities” bc of their similarities) and he’s had a difficult time finding housing. He has his own business, so he can leave very easily and work from anywhere. 

That's what I'm doing now! What?! I had no idea I would become so hip (maybe it's not hip to say that)! So yes...I've started tweeting, blogging (obviously), photoshopping (word?), writing stories, about to create a podcast, and #'ing! This is from someone that quit instagramming because I was intimidated with the #'s. See for yourself...# me and see what happens...nothing. 

I still have a cd visor in my car, and yes still listen to cd's (when did people stop!). I still make mix cd's for myself and as gifts for people. If you ride with me in my car, be prepared to play DJ and also be prepared to play blank cd's that I forgot to title. It keeps it exciting and spontaneous.  

All that to say, it feels great to learn all these new things, especially all in line with such an exciting mission. (squeal) 

Here are my first stories that I wrote for Peace Corps Week this week, spotlighting people with disabilities that have served. 

http://www.miusa.org/resource/story/frank

I miss being called “Darlin” by men and women in Texas. I heard this song a few weeks ago on a folk music radio special. I love it and it made me miss home. 

It was a difficult decision to leave Austin because of the family, friends, and community that I have (not had). I love Austin and felt Austin loved me back.  When I started letting people know I was leaving, some would say "I thought you were a lifer", "You were one of those I thought would never leave." One of the most difficult and the most exciting aspects of moving was leaving the known for the unknown.  

The reason that triggered me to look to Eugene was that there were certain things I wanted to achieve professionally. The non-profit I now work for, Mobility International USA (MIUSA), is an organization I learned about before 2009. When I first started working at UT, I noticed that there were not many international students with disabilities studying. I started my search to learn more from our disability support office. I wanted to learn about the services the students received, so we can seek more ways to recruit international students with disabilities. I presented in Austria in 2010 on this subject and met a women from MIUSA. This was the beginning of an exciting relationship with MIUSA, collaborating with each other and learning so much from each other. This work drove me and it never stopped. There are projects that I get excited about, but that end up short-lived. Tabla lessons, belly dancing, yoga, painting, sewing, knitting, politics, "hiking", dieting...all short-lived (I'm such a flake!). This work with MIUSA and passion for their mission just grew and grew with me at UT. I was always finding ways to incorporate this work with my work at UT. I was lucky to be able to do this and have the support of our office, managers, and colleagues. 

When I returned from a trip to Europe this past summer, I decided it was time. I threw the ball to MIUSA and said I was ready for the move if an opportunity came up. I had no idea they were going to throw the ball right back at me 2 weeks later. The unit of 3 I wanted to work for, had an opening! Timing was crazy! 

It's everywhere! Every corner! Every street you're walking up, down...there's a damn mountain peaking at you at the end! Mountain, Butte...I still don't know the difference, but they're everywhere. 

It's exciting to discover me...in nature. I've always loved it, but have never spent an extensive amount of time truly in it. So this should be a pretty entertaining ride. It already has been actually. 

In Texas...we don't "hike"...we walk and I rarely did that besides taking Piper on walks in the neighborhood. Now I can officially say that Piper and I have "hiked". She did better than me, but we both loved it! One of my co-workers took us to the highest point in Eugene, Spencer Butte, on a beautiful, clear, warm day. It was breath-taking...literally bc of the altitude. I had to pop my ears a few times. Hiking to this beautiful peak, surrounded by trees, and a beautiful landscape, felt like the way it's supposed to be. 

I live very close to a trail along the river. I know. Nature has totally engulfed me. Seriously. So the first time I went for a walk down this river path...I didn't really know what to do. I walked and kept walking, and only saw a long path leading to nowhere. I got nervous. It was about to get dark. I thought this was supposed to be somewhat relaxing and meditative. But my mind was racing..."where does this path lead, where is my loop, who is that man with the black hoodie walking towards me, why aren't there more people on this path, should I turn around, I hate walking back the same way I came..." You get the point. I turned around...and came back the same way I came. I lost the loop. 

Two weekends later...I tried again. This time I was calm, cool, and confident...just walking and one turn led to the next, and I found many loops...and my house! Such a nice walk and beautiful paths everywhere. 

Let's start blogging. 

I've been wanting to start a blog, rather than posting every discovery on Facebook, which could end up being an everyday occurrence. 

A lot has happened and not happened since getting to Oregon on Jan 12, 2015. There was the usual panic of what did I just do, where am I, the flea infestation in the hotel, the flu, dating nightmares (yes already), crazy expenses, and being a foreigner in a hippy land. I admit, I am kind of a hippy...with training wheels though. I've never wanted to take them off. Let's just see if the smell of pachouli and pot knock them right off now.