Hi everyone, this post is going to be quite different from my usual content, but I genuinely believe it is something that needs to be talked about. I also never shut the fuck up, so yes, this is going to be long (kisses and hugs in advance). But anywho!!
I want to address the infatuation and limerence culture that is prominent on Tumblr, especially in the communities I am part of (butch/femme, wlw, femme4masc, and similar spaces). If this resonates with other communities as well, that is completely valid, and I hope you can see some correlation in what I am describing.
Firstly, Iβm just gonna start off with defining the respective terms.
βInfatuation cultureβ describes a pattern in which a cultural environment glorifies, normalizes, and even rewards intense, fast-burning romantic obsession over slower, steadier forms of connection.
Limerence is an intense, often involuntary state of romantic obsession with another person, especially when reciprocation is uncertain. It is more than a crush. It is a mental state in which the person (called the βlimerent object) dominates your thoughts, mood, and energy.
Key features of limerence include:
β’ Intrusive, recurrent thoughts about the person that are hard to control.
β’A strong desire for reciprocation and intense sensitivity to any sign of interest or rejection.
β’Idealization of the person, often overlooking flaws or unknowns.
β’Mood swings that depend on the other personβs attention or silence.
β’Compulsive behaviors such as constantly checking their profile, replaying messages, or seeking βclues.β
It is important to be precise here. Infatuation itself is not always pathological. In many cases, it is a normal early stage of attraction. So when I say βinfatuation culture,β what I am really critiquing is a culture that normalizes limerence: intense, fast-burning, fantasy-based obsession presented as romance, even when there is almost no real knowledge of the other person. That is what I am most concerned about in this post. Hence, going forward I am treating both as part of the same harmful pattern: a culture that rewards intense, fast, and shallow fixation!
I am going to share some experiences from moots and friends who have given me permission to share, as well as things I have observed directly. Most of these examples show how infatuation and limerence are both normalized here.
1. First instance, I have seen someone develop what they call a βcrushβ on one of my moots who posts almost nothing about himself. His blog is mostly reblogs and occasional bicep pictures. There is very little real information about who he is as a person. This is limerence, and this is NOT okay.
2. I have heard friends describe talking to someone for about five days before receiving a full romantic confession. This is infatuation! and because of this, their grasp of time and when to do things is INCREDIBLY rushed. This is NOT okay.
3. Just yesterday (which was my breaking point and why I officially dedicated to write this post)- someone sent one of my masc friends a long paragraph about watching them from afar and βreally wanting them.β Both of us were incredibly concerned that night and also confused (?) pretty much because thereβs barely any personal information about said friend either way, so what was there to like/want?
4. It is common to see anonymous asks to butches/mascs/studs/transmascs that say things like βstop talking to other women.β ?-!2)37:?You do not know who they are in real life. You may know almost nothing beyond their introduction. Claiming stakes or acting as if you have some form of possession over a Tumblr individual you barely know is not okay.
These are just mere examples, and there so much more I could give.
I personally would say I see this most in a specific age group demographic.. mind you, theyβre the older ones.. they should know better.. and promote better.. but I DIGRESS.
These βcrushesβ are often based on knowing very little about an individual. That is why this fits both infatuation and limerence. People decide, βThis is who I want. This is who I will build my βthis is so us!!β narrative around for the next two months,β simply by reading a blog. That is infatuation and limerence at their most intense.
You may not know anything substantial about this person beyond their appearance, a few posts, or even just their kinks or sexual content. Yet this becomes the person you choose to like, pursue, or even date. You could be talking to someone for four days, and suddenly that person becomes your Tumblr crush for the foreseeable future. βYup.. I am going to dedicate my blog to yearning for you and wanting you. Even better, let us openly do serious romantic courting between our blogs even though I donβt know jack shit about who you are.β That pattern does not make sense from a psychological or relational health perspective. It is infatuation and limerence treated as romance.
Tumblr often chronicles a culture that promotes not getting to know anyone. It romanticizes βlove at first lust,β which is seeing someoneβs appearance that you find sexually attractive and then instantly becoming infatuated with the person. It also romanticizes instant obsession as a standard foundation for a relationship. This is harmful.
There are minors on this app. This should not be the model of love they are encouraged to see as normal. Romance on Tumblr often feels extremely intense and short. Once someone shows interest in you and reaches out, there is often an expectation of instant romance and sexual experiences. I know we all have different preferences and standards, but in many cases, people push for things that you would normally reserve for an established relationship.
Because infatuation and limerence are driving this, everything feels rushed. You rarely get time to know a potential partner, including their characteristics, flaws, habits, and values. The βgetting to know youβ stage is often filled with sexting, flirting, and maybe 25 percent casual conversation. Their sense of getting to know someone is extremely compressed.
No one wants to get to know each other anymore. You become a vessel for their fantasy because you are attractive and you fit a certain label, and they feel they have to have you. This is something my therapist and I have also talked about. We tend to attach a lot of fantasies onto individuals and rush into love. Because of this, we go from idealizing a person to devaluing them for simply showing us their human parts that do not match our fantasy.
A toxic idealize-then-devalue cycle is created which pretty much looks like:
(a) You idealize the person based on fantasy and limited information.
(B) When they eventually show normal human flaws or boundaries, they no longer match your fantasy OR you become hyper-vigilant on being there for said individual, and wanting to fix all their issues.
(C) You then devalue or drop them quickly, which is emotionally damaging for both parties.
My friends have asked me to advocate for this because they see it as prominent in the butch/masc/stud/transmasc community. They feel that people from these groups are especially vulnerable to infatuation and limerence because people often confuse sexual attraction with genuine interest in a relationship. This sexual interest clouds everything and makes things worse for them in general. That in itself is NOT okay. You all need to get a grip, because even I witness it too!! Deep parasocial bonds being formed between anonymous asks that lead to deep possessiveness and obsession. Again, this is NOT okay!
Infatuation and limerence are serious. Many people do not realize they are in them, which is why Iβm so passionate about this topic. As someone who consistently researches psychological topics and immerses herself in as much media as I can, I can say that this pattern is not healthy or should be normalized.
It is important to detach yourself from future fantasies, sexual fantasies, and any other fantasies you attach onto other individuals. Acknowledge that we are all humans and should be seen as whole people, not as parts that you immediately fall in love with. In this time and era, where so much negativity, violence, and danger exist, it is imperative that you get to know the individual you are going to dedicate your life or a significant part of your life to.
I think this post is getting too long. But that is to show that there is really so much to unpack behind this prominent culture. Thank you so much if you have read this far. I will also reblog to add the psychological cons that infatuation and limerence can have when they become entrenched patterns :))
This happened to me yesterday, which is why I set those boundaries with people. We have to learn to get to know each other before confessing feelings and trying to be more than friends. The person realized that they really didnβt want something with me and only did it for the wrong reasons. This is why I always check to make sure before getting to know someone. Theyβre just friends in my mind until I develop a connection with them.
