Something weighs heavily on my heart that i feel compelled to share. I’ve never been afraid to be vulnerable and share my sorrow if it saves even one of you a nights worth of crying.
The Hedonic Treadmill and/or The Arrival Fallacy.
I know with the internet it’s so easy to fall into the trap of unhappiness, self loathing, and feeling like you’re not doing enough or maybe even that you yourself aren’t enough.
You see people on crazy vacations, with crazy jobs, doing the most fun things every day, living in a dream place.
I’ll admit that I, myself, fall into the trap often. Even with a successful degree, successful career, and a job i truly love, surrounded by love and support.
There’s this idea that once you get to where you wanted to be, or what you once wanted. That the rest of your life is sunshine and rainbows, happiness and complete fulfillment. An idea that once you’ve gotten what you wanted, you’ll want nothing more.
The truth is a little more empty than that.
Instead of being happy with graduating, i was hard on myself for being a B+ student, because i saw so many with A’s.
Instead of being happy for getting the job i wanted, i instead realized that some people in nursing have way cooler jobs, even though what they do isn’t my passion.
Instead of being happy that i was finally in the position i used to dream of, I felt less than for being a nurse of little experience compared to the heavily seasoned nurses i was working beside.
Instead of being happy with the amazing best friend I’ve been blessed with, i compared myself to people who are seemingly overflowed by friends, and company.
Instead of being happy with the amount of money in my bank, i thought of people who buy yachts without a seconds worth of hesitation
Instead of being happy with the fact that i’m healthy and blessed with a functioning body, i envied those with a more desirable frame, or figure. Maybe even a certain feature. Prettier eyes, slimmer nose.
One day i was loathing myself. Crying until my shoulders shook, my eyes burned, my throat could barely swallow and i felt empty.
I reflected. Why? Why am I so unhappy with my life? Why have I accomplished my every dream, and somehow feel more empty than when i started?
An evil little concept that can make the most beautiful thing look sour and worthless.
Comparison is very much the thief of joy.
So i stopped. Took a look around, and analyzed my OWN LIFE.
I sat there and thought about everything i’ve achieved. It took only only a moments brain power to realize how blessed I’ve been.
I graduated. 4 long years i studied every single day, in and out. Dedicating my very soul to the profession that i’m so deeply in love with. I did my best every test. If my best is a B+ then that’s all i can do. I wasn’t in control of grading my tests, so as long as i did my best, that’s all that mattered.
I went into a field that has my heart so heavily. I’m not in the E.R saving lives, but that doesn’t interest me, does it? No. I love caring for the elderly. I adore helping someone so vulnerable and afraid and confused with all of the warmth i have in my heart. I love being patient with them. I love holding them on the days when the world is just to hard to think about. Caring for them is so heavily intertwined with my soul that when i pass away, and they bury me, i won’t be surprised to find their very existence carved into my bones. How lucky am I that i’ve got a heaven full of beautiful faces smiling, waiting to greet me even once more.
I do “only” have one friend. That girl would put her very soul on the line for my happiness, so why would i wish for more? More people who halfheartedly care about me and see me as a way to pass the time? I’d much rather have one persons 100% than 10 people’s 10%.
I may not have millions but i live unbelievably comfortably. A roof over my head, food in my mouth, an extra amount to spend on my desires. I’m incredibly fortunate to never wonder where my next anything is coming from.
I’m not a size 0, hourglass model with perfect skin, perfect legs, perfect hair or any of the other things. But my body takes me to my job i love, carries me to meet my loved ones, affords me the opportunity to see places with beautiful sunsets, allows me the opportunity to laugh, to cry, to smile, to frown. My smile is inherited from my very own mother. My nose resembles my grandmother, the woman i loved with my whole heart. Why would i look at a face given to me by the greatest people in my life and criticize it? My mother is beautiful, my grandmother was grace in human form. A face of all of the people who loved me staring back at me, and i was unhappy? Seems a bit silly of me.
Those are just a few of my own personal anecdotes to be an example, but the point of the matter is this.
When you’re unhappy with the snapshot that is your life, in comparison to a million photos of others. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. The fact that you’re reading this is a gift. Life is too short to waste it wishing you were someone else. Happiness is just an illusion, don’t let it escape you.
