Moments Of Impact

#A_really_long_post #read_carefully When they asked me about my definition of love, i answered: maybe what I’ll say now will make no sense, but someday everything ,every word I’m writing now will make perfect sense. So for now I want you to laugh at the confession, smile through my tears and keep reminding me that everything happens for a reason… when I first asked myself how I imagine my love life to be. The answer was: I want a life that sizzles and pop and makes me laugh out loud. And I don’t want to get to the end or even to tomorrow and realize that my life is a collection of our boring routine, full of meetings and stress and dirty dishes to wash. I want to eat fast food, noodles, pasta, pizza, McDonalds ,ice-cream and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear my pink pajamas and stay up all night laughing and painting my walls the exact color of the sky. I want to sleep deep on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat the small ripe tasty tomatoes and read books a lot of books so good ones that they make me jump up and down and supply me with a great amount of knowledge, and I also want god to be glad he gave me a life because I cherish his gift. and after what I wrote I started day dreaming of my best day ever and decided that my best day is the one in which I decide my own life , no apologies or excuses. No one to rely on or blame, the gift is mine, it’s an amazing journey and I alone is responsible for the quality of it. This will be the day my life really begin, maybe I’ll face things I’m afraid to say, or someone I’m afraid to love or somewhere I’m afraid to go …and yes these moments hurts and will hurt, but that’s only because it really matters and somehow I’ll convince myself that the pain and hurts are necessary so I’ll let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy. And one of these things that must go simply as it’s really heavy is how I feel about love, some says that i fear falling in love , but no, it's not that i fear falling in love...i'm in love with many things in the world. I love animals, sometimes i love my family, i love my friends, i adore my privacy and the small mysterious things no one knows about me, i love sunsets and moon light, what i do fear however is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they don't feel the same about me. To me this is how i die while still breathing and you can never recover from that no matter how hard you try. The scariest part about that is that you're never going to know if you're falling for the wrong person. That's what i'm afraid of. But although i have my fears, when i fall i'll act different. In a good way. I'll smile more and laugh more. I don’t have to pretend everything is okay when it’s really not.…I can drop the fake smile and put on a real one. I don’t feel hurt and alone . Instead, I feel safe and loved. I need someone who is easy to talk to, and who listen to me. I don’t have to worry about holding back with him. Because no matter what happen i know he'll never let go or give up on me! I need a relationship where I don’t feel self-conscious. I don’t ever feel insecure or sad , i need someone that will show me that he really care, and not just pretending. A relationship where i really appreciate his company because with this person, I’m happy and somehow I feel like everything in my life has led me to him. My choices, my heart breaks and regrets, everything and when we’re together, my past seems worth it because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met him! And vice versa! I don't need a guy to whom i'm his first love' "the only option" i would prefer if he had a quite number of relationships and yet he chooses me above all to be his only priority! After realizing that i'm the only one who truly care for him and can capture him. The only one who wherever he'll go his eyes will still track me! And his heart never forgets me in a presence of thousands of women! And i pop into his mind everywhere he goes ...just like a popcorn! I’m admitting this now because lately my life was a big mess I was forced upon many situations which made me keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be it has transformed me into a person I do not recognize, but I don’t know how to let it go except by doing what I really feel like doing and not thinking about what people around me will think. I’m not writing this to force you understand something you don’t want and for sure I’m not writing this so you would feel pity on me because pity is not on my character list! But the main reason is I want to take control of my life, for lately i lost control as i fell in love! That kind of love you feel so true and honest!, the one that makes your heart skip a beat, the feeling that makes you sleepless, breathless and thoughtful that you couldn't even eat! But for some confidential reasons, this love relationship never begun nor ended! It's a type of unrevealed love! I grasped a lot of pain! And i couldn't directly say i love you! When i needed most to say it! Because at this point you don't say what you want too bad to say! Or maybe this is where you want to but you won't get in the way!...all i could do at that point is feel the pain, hide the tears, get hospitalize without saying and get some answers to some confusing questions! But guess what! Not all the answers helps us get relieved... some answers we get acts as a moment of impact, the answers that will make you feel Slayed and jailed in your own thoughts!sometimes knowing the things hidden behind the curtains takes you to the point where you no longer become the person you were! And trust me it's a really scary place! A place where you hope that you never fall for someone who don't have feelings for you! Or become a victim of a relationship where you are happy but your partner is faking their smiles, sweet words, hugs and love!, how unfair life is! How unfair people could be! Kind hearted monsters,who thinks that life will always go their way!, slaying others to protect their ego. They don't actually realize that by doing this,they too will eventually die! What a misery love can be and how awful people can act!. And that took me to another important question i totally forgot about! This question is: "what do we deserve in love?" An important question that we often forget to answer when we fall for someone! Because did you ever think that you too might become a victim? What if the person you love isn't totally in love with you? What if one day you realized that you couldn't make the love of your life happy, because you are a painful moment they force theirselves to endure every day! What if one day you realized the faking behind a smile? What if the person who trusted you all of a sudden started covering the truth because they felt that you might reveal their secrets? What if you stopped trusting them? What if you started questioning everything and every moment?.....Would you ever be happy again ? Would you ever believe in love again?, if that happens to me would i even feel alive or will i be a soulless body!?, do you deserve this confusion? Do you deserve shedding all those tears? Thousands of questions to be answered! But before finding the answers to my mysterious questions.... i was slapped by the sound of my alarm! Waking me up from a long dream with a banging headache. Sitting there trying to realize what was happening and convincing myself that i'm back to the fact and all those important things and the way i described love is nothing but a young dream! A dream that taught me and opened my eyes to things i never would've thought about, things i'm afraid of and things i deserve. I learned that from time to time i'll sit back on my cosy bed after a dream, observing every person in my life, whether we talk everyday or not, and at this moment i should know who motivates me and who keeps it 100% real, i also need to know who talks about me and smiles in my face. I must know who i can trust and who i need to keep a distance with, who i really love and do they love me back. My dream taught me that before asking how to look at the person i love and tell myself it's time to walk away, i have to make sure that they treated me the way i deserve, and gave me a clear , loyal true feeling of love ! And most important i learned that i must be proud and confident of who i am because Wether i say anything or let you be fake! I know! I know things that you could never imagine. So here's is a message to the one i'll fall in love with. Writing this while i'm still awake, totally conscious. Dear love to be, i want to remember every moment with you, every smile, every heart beat, i want to share your sadness and happiness and treasure our memories, i want to be a mum, a sister, a friend and a partner! but not as questionable as the end of my dream. I want to live a simple life without stress ,worries, pity or faking!. I want you to endure my over protectiveness, jealousy and crazy love. if you look deeply you'll know that i really don't need a lot of stuff... i just want for both of us to be happy! And if one day you were forced by life to choose between staying or leaving! Make sure that if you stay! Stay forever and If you leave, do it at the same moment without hesitation and without looking back. If you change, change for the better and if you talk, make sure you mean what you say because i'll trust you and you must respect this trust!. Dear love to be it's the end of my story or maybe it's just a beginning. ~Hadeer Fawaz #mystery_and_misery_of_love_and_what_we_deserve #moments_of_impact #love #young_dream #choices #life_path #facts #one_day_every_word_will_make_a_perfect_sense. #love_to_be #overthinking

many things impacted our life in a bad way, one of these things is a simple word which we use to end our inner questions and we accompany this word with a question mark!,this word is ... promise? we always draw a fairy-tale in our minds and wish that this beautiful dream will come true, but soon we get hit by the reality of our hard life and fall apart, because this is one of the human nature, we expect things to happen without thinking about the facts!. and this is how i got hurt, broke in to pieces and fall apart several times, i expected much!, i expected that life will always go my way, i expected that all my dreams will come true, i expected that my friends will stay around forever and obviously i expected my lover to love me more each day than the day before, and i use the “Promise?” to hibernate all the doubts inside me,as if i’m giving life the opportunity  to prove to me something that i don’t really believe in or in another way i gave life a chance to fool me while i’m satisfied. while i’m living a misery trying to mend my broken pieces from letting this happen several times, a question crossed my mind, how many times did i broke my promises? how many times did someone built up a dream and relayed on me and ignorantly i let go?!.  I realize now i’m not alone! and honestly i don’t know what to do to co-part the wounds inside each one of us. but the only thing i can say is: sorry.  sorry if by mistake i participated in a broken promise. Promise is not just a word, it’s a base of a young dream to someone. so before we ask some one to promise us, we must truly believe not just paralyze the fears, and before promising we must make sure that we are up to this dream, as by this word we agree to fight until the last breath to fulfill.    “Promise is a big word, It either makes something, or....Breaks everything”. ~Hfawaz ~moments_of_impact

In our Arabian countries , The girl have a specific life path, she go to school , graduate university, meet a guy  through her university years or at work, get married, have children, quit work as her first priority must be her home and kids and at last, Die! sometimes this death is not physically but for sure mental death!, as i graduated university in 2014 everyone around me is trying to convince me to get married. I get to face a lot of people who asks me one question over and over again... WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?. i started getting pissed off from this question, and the curiosity which revolves around  more questions such as, why do you push away the grooms whenever they propose? or something like, you are beautiful what are you waiting for?these types of questions makes me feel as if i’m in a race that never ends!, actually it makes me feel insecure. and i end up overthinking about who is  right? me or the others? that’s why i decided to come open and give you a piece of how i think about it! It all started when i watched a trailer of a new movie named “Me before you”,And asked myself will i ever feel different in a good way if i had a life partner? then i figured out that to answer this question i have to be able first to know what am i looking for in a lover?! but again i realized i couldn’t answer both questions until i know what type of person am i, what i like and what i don’t , what i wanna be few years from now?... and as i said in my first post “Ice breaker” I don’t really know who i am. so until i know if you’ll ask me do i wanna be in relationship? i ‘ll say: No , thank you. yes, sometimes i miss the feeling of being someone’s first priority, sometimes i need that hug we see in all the movies, the hug which make us feel as if all the worries and doubts can easily fade away. i need that one person who will stay no matter how hard i might be, the one who will never let go of my hands when i need someone to make me strong. I am a girl who cherish education and reading, i never want to stop ending up to be a house wife raising her kids, cooking and cleaning the house, i am a dreamer i wanna achieve targets and run after goals, i want to travel the world, smell the blossoms of freedom, take a lot of pictures and make more than a million good memory, find a cure for cancer and make someone smile, i don’t want to be the girl living on other people’s way.. I want to live it my own way!. simply... I WANT TO LEAVE MY FOOT PRINTS IN THIS WORLD BEFORE I DIE!. and who can walk this path with me ? until now, no one. So again if you’ll ask me: do i wanna be in a relationship? i ‘ll say: No , thank you. what i wrote now might not be convenient for the people around me,i’m sorry but if you want an answer to the questions you ask... you have to accept that i will answer it my way! . Because,Being single is my choice for now. so please stop asking these annoying questions and remember that if you ever asked me again if i wanna be in a relationship? i’d answer NO, THANK YOU . ~HFawaz ~moments_of_impact

what is fear?? i asked this question to one of my great professors in the  university. and as i remember i was so depressed, i had 4 exams on the same day, i was angry and nervous about everything. He told me these negative feelings you have is because you have a lot of fear inside you! he said i was looking on the smaller picture, i cared a lot about my grades and what my professors, family and friends will think of me if i failed , but i never thought about how hard i studied or how much knowledge i gained learning these information and how i should appreciate myself for all the hard work, he quoted: we must pull the arrow backwards in-order for it to hit the target. And this was where i started thinking ... about the fears I've raised inside me, i thought of the times i wanted to do things i love but couldn’t, how many times i wanted to tell my friends or family how much i loved them and how much they meant to me, how many times i wanted to stand in a room full of audience and say what can impact their lives in a good way,but instead of doing these things i was quiet , just smiling  ... and that’s all because i was afraid. Today i decided to keep my fears aside and i asked the president of our “Toastmasters” club to allow me to say something, yes i hesitated and yes i was afraid but Guess what?! i was relieved after saying what i wanted to say, and it’s only today that i knew that my professor was right. i allowed my fears to control me for the past years . but that will never happen again! So Don’t miss doing what you want or what you love, and always remember that fear is nothing but : False- Event- Appearing- Real. ~HFawaz ~momentsofimpact

I can hear my heart beats...trying to take a deep breath but it seems that my lungs can’t take in oxygen, my brain is thinking about a lot of stuff and yet can’t concentrate on anything, trying to hold myself still but it feels like someone is pulling me toward the ground.. i can see the chair but it looks so far!..let me take a step...second step... it’s becoming darker.......................... Fainting... It’s not about being strong or if you can tolerate enough,it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. even if you try hard to stay conscious it will take you down!. when i use to see people fainting in my university or in a movie i use to make fun of them and how they have to gain strength and try to manage their emotions if they lost someone or get sick or whatever situation they are forced in they shouldn’t allow their body to control them and loss their consciousness. well, today i attended an out patient cosmetic surgery and i fainted. and for your information, No! it’s not the first time for me to attend a surgery, but the only difference that the patient this time was a special friend. just the thought of seeing Her in pain made everything seems different. when i woke up i realized that i’m not weak but i love my friend so much that i can’t tolerate seeing her in pain. and the only reason god made me faint was because he is so kind, he knew that i would be emotionally unable to tolerate such thing. And this is how our life moves, you may seem strong and unbreakable, yet sometimes you’ll face situations in which life will take control over you and we don’t have to feel sad, embarrassed or negative about it. as humans we always get depressed when life take us down but if we look from a different perspective we will realize that we only need this step down to take a much higher step forward.  so simply you don’t have to control everything in your life and when life force you to faint... take the opportunity ! ~Hfawaz ~momentsofimpact

~HFawaz  ~momentsofimpact

today i decided quitting my job . decided to stand for what i worth and deserve. at the beginning i fought hardly to get a job in this hospital , i wished and prayed every night to be a part of this team. but then i realized that not all shiny covers are made out of gold! sometimes the sparks are nothing but the edge of a knife.  although i’m glad i worked with those people for seven months. i was promoted from “insurance pharmacist” to “Head of approvals” in this small period of time. and honestly i had the best team ever, starting with my boss who i consider the best leader and the most independent women who i wish to be like her one day. and my Subordinate who are the best of the best , the ones who taught me  the real meaning of hard work , people who work for the love of helping and cooperating without expecting a  reward or even waiting for a word of appreciation. and as i met this perfect team... i also met people who hates everyone and people who are not qualified to take responsibilities of any thing or any action, people who are doing their best to get you down and people who are always resisting any change. but if you asked me... these negative people are the ones who made me realize who i never wanna be. they made me know how i can appear to people around be by a certain act i do or words i say. so... yes i’m not regretting any moment i spent in this hospital. it’s a moment of impact in my life and it’s a reason i got to know a part of what i want in life and who i wanna be. although i feel a rush of emotions going through me. but i learned today about myself that i deserve a job that will develop me and take me to a better place... so just as a reminder... every end is a new beginning, never get disappointed because life is yet to come.   ~Hfawaz ~momentsofimpact

who am i ? why am i here? is life to live or a thing to fear? questions found inside each and everyone of us.  And to be honest i’m not sure of who i am until now. all i know are the information given to me by the world. My name, age, nationality, profession. but what i really want to know and let people to know  is what i want to be not what others want to see. so i decided to start writing about my life, about the good and bad moments i face every day, until i figure out who i am and maybe help people to figure out who they are. so until then consider me a human on a journey. and you better get ready , as my life is full of ups and downs.                                       SO ENJOY THE RIDE...