molly's blog

a girl called molly blogging about her life

a-level student , beginner guitarist , self-taught artist , aspiring dentist/orthodontist , esfj 3w4 > studying biology, chemistry and english literature > truly a creative arts girlie at heart > unapologetically way too ambitious for my own good

started going to the gym, albeit inconsistently. i see progress in my biceps the most.

i eat more fruits/veg

got really into dr stone, might change my pfp on here to a character

finished my EPQ, predicted an A*

i got hospital work experience

i have a job now

i study everyday without fail but my grades are Cs so what's the fucking point

got diagnosed with a chronic illness

i'm very interested in japanese visual novels now

i have done like over 10 assemblies this year

i made heart shaped jam cookies for my bf for valentines and they turned out so damn good

haven't spent any money other than necessities

my art is in an art gallery now because i placed as a finalist in that art competition

Losing art made me lose my passion for my life. I have not lost my limbs, believe me, but I do not have time to devote and worship what had once been the thing that saved me. Pursuing a skill not made for me, a path of logic and rigid structure, has chipped hard at my self-esteem and now I feel numb at the thought of failing another Chemistry assessment.

Why did I decide so strongly I would be a dentist back in Year 9? I didn't even want to be a dentist anymore. This work is hellish. But what did I think?

I thought and thought and thought until I hit a space far in the back of my mind. Too far, the memories blurred and hazed.

At 4, I had books with interactive questions, typical prompts for development of critical thinking. All of them never failed to include 'What would you like to do when you're older?', 'What is your dream job?' and 'What do you want to be?'. Of course, it was intended to be hypothetical. Yet, I had always known this, I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to share my voice to other people, to help them at their lowest, to connect with their stories and watch them smile. A very cliche trope, yet I only realise that now.

Being on the London underground, wanting to ask the woman bundled up in her warmest jumper about whether her novel was interesting; getting dragged to a boring tribute concert by my parents but being mesmerised by the sheer joy the elderly audience had dancing to nostalgic music; coming up to random kids in primary school who looked lonely and asking them to play with me.

Truly, I see that a dentist can give a smile of permanence, outside of the temporary nature of show and stage. A smile beyond the applause and quips of the characters, faces behind a veil. A lasting impact where I watch my patients flourish and grow. I learn about their stories and who they are, how beautiful it is to hear of life from other eyes. I never even intended to think this way but I do. Picking up art again at my lowest is how I healed. To create is to create life. I found I inherently want to live.

Yet now, I feel like a shell of that. These thoughts are those that ache in my mind and won't escape, like how my shoulders are so stiff, but no amount of massages can relieve it. I slipped back into my eating disorder, I'm isolating myself from my loved ones and spending more time overworking myself physically and mentally, I sleep 3-4 hours every night, I do nothing but passively scroll after pulling all nighters, cramming, I haven't picked up a paintbrush in months. What amount of effort will feel enough? I can't distract myself from this feeling of incompleteness, no matter how hard I push myself to do something outside of me.

If I can't ignore it then I must act on it. I should be creating but I have too much to consume. This year is truly my year where I study everyday, but now everyday feels too long. Too long being at my desk all day watching the white walls wither. If I could grieve art, I would weep.

study earlier, im only productive at 10pm-1am which has ruined my energy for the day as i stay up so late to complete school work

learn mandarin! i've been procrastinating the whole month, and i haven't done anything

meditate everyday, even if it's only 5 minutes. i found that i was more regulated in terms of mood during the period i meditated frequently

eat more fruits/veg and nuts

watch/read more long form content (biology, ethics etc.)

complete my dentistry online course

finish my EPQ (5k words) by february 12

get As in all of my assessments

I asked my boyfriend one evening "If money didn't matter, what job would I be doing?"

At first, my answer was honestly being a figure skater as it was something I always wanted to be as a kid but I lived in a small village with the nearest ice rink being 8 hours away... so it was always an unfulfillable dream. Maybe that's why the thought lingered for so long even as I went to do other things in my life.

In Year 11 (Sophomore year), I completely lost my identity and sense of self. I was consuming endless media and never got the chance to do things for myself after being so filled with self-hatred. It blinded me from creating new connections or strengthening the ones I had.

I hated Art GCSE in the moment but I would do anything to go back. I skipped PE and revising for Chemistry and all my other subjects just so I could draw endlessly for hours with musical soundtracks in the background. It freed me.

After thinking about it for a while, he went "You like working with your hands, so I think you'd be doing pottery.. something like that." The statement took me completely by surprise because I totally expected him to say something generic.

Pottery was truly something I hadn't considered in my lifetime. It made me realise how much I actually love things that involve manual dexterity, seeing as I chose Dentistry as my career path for that reason despite myself hating Chemistry. His answer was so unbelievably me that it took me by surprise. I thought about it and I realised I seriously would probably be doing something like that. I love everything about it.

If I wasn't studying sciences for Dentistry, I'd probably be doing art for a living or somewhere in a studio playing with textiles and ceramics. This is my true answer.

My whole life, I have always loved to create. Whether that be dreaming to be on a big stage singing to the crowds, invoking emotions and speaking to people through song; rehearsing endlessly for ballet performances; uploading to DeviantArt and typing up fan-fiction and character lore on Amino with unsupervised internet access; joining art societies in every school I went to.

A few months later, I bought a canvas and impulsively participated in a national art competition. Not to win, but to feel accomplishment and joy from creating after so many years of being scared to put myself out there into the world.

From that seemingly insignificant icebreaker, I realised I simple truth, and that truth helped me reconnect with my self I had lost. I was always meant to create.

celebrating little wins since i'm on my period and my anxiety tends to spike up during this phase, including sadness, so i'm going to list some stuff i've done this year so far for me to look back if i ever feel down~

i baked cookies successfully for the first time ever! just how i like em (not burnt)

entered into a national art competition and got short-listed!

made a handmade gift for my best friend's bday :3

ate a fear food (bacon) after yearsss

bedroom photo went viral on pinterest, i've always aspired to be an aesthetic pinterest girlie

haven't taken any days off school this year

haven't spent any money other than necessities

talked in-front of 250 people for a school assembly

managed 2 biology tests back-to-back

slowly learning to stop ruminating on mistakes and willing to let little setbacks go

earned some money doing art commissions again

started playing minecraft again + gave bf minecraft for xmas so now hes learnt redstone and how to make texture packs hehe

just realised i haven't written on here in a while lol

this is a more untraditional blog where im just brain dumping

i've been swamped with work as soon as i came back to college with tests back-to-back and a whole school presentation to do......help. currently dealing with major impostor syndrome again with a-level chemistry bc i got a C in my recent test and it made me rethink my life choices since everyone else got A-B as usual. i'd say it's an improvement since i got a D last time.

sometimes i feel bad that my true passion lies in art as currently it seems like there is not much demand or renown for art (i would like to get rich to travel hahahahaha). i always wished to be even better at sciences than art to feel like i was worth something, since that was what had been pushed onto me my whole life as something to desire: "art will get you nowhere." "you're smart, you'd be a good doctor." my relatives told me at one point.