Me, Marta getting my shit together!

April 19th, Wednesday

Hi, I’m Marta and I am a recovering compulsive overeater.

I am powerless over the belief that I cannot be happy until I get the perfect body.

I have lost opportunities to have fun, connect, dance, express my creativity to this belief; as well as for stolen my inner peace, and joy.

“There's still a fire in my heart, my darling

But I'm not burning for you”

Let it All Go, Birdy and Rhodes

Even when I started recovery I did it because I wanted to lose weight and look perfect, and not fully because I was concerned with my well being. To me my well-being could not be without an ideal body. To be honest, I still don’t know if I can be okay with the extra fat on my body.

I am now struggling because I still don’t know what’s wrong with my nutrition.. Do I have a healthy gut? Is restricting sugars okay? What should I eat and not eat? What advice should I follow?

I guess I could go to a nutritionist, personal trainer or something, but I find myself disillusioned with the revolutionary, go-getter attitude of those spaces… I sense that I now need to find my own way; some time to actually implement the advice I heard, tune into my body, listen and execute its cues. That sounds more revolutionary to me than anything I heard anyone say at a gym in years…

At some point you just gotta do the work, right?

“But if we're strong enough to let it in

We're strong enough to let it go oh oh

Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now”

---

Masters, 

I ask you for a body I can feel confident in as I fully experience this life you have given me & help others do the same for themselves. I trust  you to guide as I search for and implement a diet that aligns with my design.

Yours truly,

August 30th, 2022

A few months ago I was feeling really lost. I was really insecure about finishing school and about what my next step would be in terms of occupation. So, “what will I do next?” was a recurrent question in my mind .

Very strangely the answer came quite quickly. First, my sister, who has always dreamed of living in Canada, asked me directly “hey why don't you just move to Canada? I kind of think you should…”, to  which I answered “Well,  I don’t know, I’ll give it a think”.

I didn’t really mean it when I said I was going to think about it, quite frankly, but I kid you not for the next few weeks everyone seemed to talk about how Canada was the place to be and how amazing Canadians were. I found that such a bizarre coincidence that I decided to actually think about it, and to ask for information on how I could possibly do that.

After doing so, I gave myself 2 weeks to really let that information sink in, so I wouldn’t make an impulsive life-changing decision. One day, after those two weeks, my “Do I want to live in Canada for at least the next two years?” alarm rang, and the answer was clear as water - It was a Hell Yes!

Why was it a Hell Yes for me?

Well, the thing, even after all the work I’ve been doing to improve my life, I still lack a lot of connection, and I saw in Canada an opportunity to find my people, as well as to explore my sexuality in a way that I can’t do here as a queer young woman. I also know that Canada is full of job and education opportunities that would allow me to 1. save some money to build my investor’s portfolio, and 2. to learn more about areas that interest me and to help me make a decision on what I actually want to develop a career on.

That was it for me! Let 's do it!

So, I started to take care of a bunch of documents that I needed to live in Canada, and to make that happen legally. And, I have to say that this whole bureaucratic process has just been so natural for me,  and that I take that as a sign that this is really my next best step.

Of course that, from time to time, I feel an inch of anxiety and confusion, more so now that I’m getting into the stage of looking for a job, and buying a plane ticket. But I also think that’s normal given that we’re talking about a whole new country, with a whole kind of different people, and different ways to do things.

Moving to Canada feels like the right thing for me to do next, but it also involves risk, and uncertainty, and loss. Afterall, I’m going to lose the life that I have right now, at least for a while, which is a life that I am enjoying and that I work really hard to enjoy.

I decided to write this because I was anxious about this decision, and because I needed to remind myself of why I started this whole process to move to Canada next year. I have to say that these words have helped me to do that - I want to move to Canada to expand my horizons when it comes to my relationships and to my career.

Now that I’ve reminded myself of that, two more questions come to mind. The first one is whether I’m  doing this because I can’t stay here or because I really want to go, and my honest answer is a little bit of both and I don’t feel like that’s problematic. I think that to get to another place physically or even a different stage of your life, you have to want to abandon where you’re at right now, but I would also argue that 1. you’ll never actually do that if that’s your entire motivation, and 2. to quote Carl Jung “you must really love the thing you want to change”. I think that’s important because If you’re able to enjoy your life even when you don’t get everything you want or need, then when things do go well you’ll just enjoy it, instead of fearing to lose those circumstances that are making you happy.

Last but not least, the other question that popped into my head just a while ago was if this doesn’t work out will I be okay?

I won’t dive deep into this one, but I just want to leave it in the air, because I think that in this whole process of taking care of everything to go to Canada the most important prerequisites are 1. trusting yourself enough to learn to solve the problems that are going to come up (because they will), and 2. to not view this as your last resort. Meaning that if this fails, If I decide to quit or to change my mind about it, or even If something happens and they don’t let me into the country, that doesn't mean that I can’t fulfill the purpose I’m expecting to with this next stage.

I’m currently listening to Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver, and that’s not good. Not the song, love the song. When I listen to this song, it means I am not okay, which begs the question - why am I not okay?

So, why am I not okay? Well, that’s why I’m writing this - to figure that out. Let’s start with what’s been happening in my life.

So this month of August has been quite the ride… I’ve got a new job. I moved out. I started driving again after one whole year. I’m becoming financially independent. Everything is new and I feel like all of these new circumstances are asking me to be somebody else, someone better, someone that I don’t think I am.

Don’t get me wrong, these new things are  great, they’re exactly what I wanted!

The thing is I’m struggling when it comes to staying on top of all of these new responsibilities and also staying connected to myself. And, also working the program and going to meetings. I’m not really being successful at the whole “living below your means” thing, as well as eating clean, learning daily, and enjoying my workouts. These last three things really mean something to me, and I really want to keep them. Again, I’m struggling.

I’ll allow myself to choose two areas in my life where I am currently having the most trouble with and I’ll dig deeper into those domains of my life, understand them better, and see if I can do something about them immediately to not prolong this discontentment I’m in. Those two areas that have been causing more stress for me are work and my recovery.

Work:

I’m working at Pull&Bear at a mall and I love it! It’s by far the best job I’ve ever had!  I like my work there, and I also enjoy the opportunity that it is to 1. meet new people;  2. start a whole career; and, 3. to improve my personal style.

I’ve been there for almost a month and I would like to continue to work there. I would be lying, however,  if I said that everything is perfect. And by the way It’s really not them, it’s me

I’m finding it hard to like myself when I’m working. It feels like I’m quite paranoid. I am scared shitless that they fire me at any given moment.  The fact that I take too long to fold a table and distribute all of the clothes that need to be put in their correct place at the store makes me feel really incapable, which is a childhood wound. I’m convinced that everyone is lying to me when they say they like me and my work. In my head, everyone hates me and is secretly complaining about me. I don’t feel confident about the way I look, even though I’ve never looked better in my life.

So what’s really happening here? Well, I am scared I’ll lose this job I really like, and that I really need for financial stability and to invest in my future.

I’m scared to fail because I am not sure I’ll be able to handle that pain. I still have body image and belonging issues.

So what can I do? I can take it day by day. I can thank every single day I still have this job when I walk in and out of those doors, because indeed nothing lasts forever, and the present is almost gone. I can reality check my expectations and demand a bit less of myself because I do in fact have a lot on my plate. I can listen to that self love meditation I have more often.

Recovery:

The fact that I am not able to go to as many meetings and to work as hard on the steps as I did before worries me. It’s not the only thing I’m worried about when it comes to my recovery. I have also  been eating fast food more often even though I know that I can’t afford that. I don’t really have a designated time to have lunch or dinner, it changes about every other day. Besides that, I’m starting to feel like my workouts are chore again, I’m more insecure about my body

The meetings, sharing what’s going on in my life, reading the steps and traditions, preparing my meal boxes and actually eating them, enjoying moving my body… These are pillars of my recovery, and so these are things that I’m going to need to make room for in my schedule. That’s not even questionable.

So what’s really happening here? My routine around eating is fuzzy. I have been eating more junk food. And, my workouts have become unexciting.

So what can I do? I’ll need to ask my superiors to have lunch or dinner at my meetings’ hour. To keep on with the steps and reflection I’ll have to find methods to continue to post here on tumblr. I’ll need to really put an end to fast food in at least some of the restaurants at the mall, and ask them to not put some sauces in the restaurants that I’ll allow myself to eat from time to time. I’ll need to find ways to stick to my prepared meals. And, of course, I will also make sure I’m  bringing life into my workouts, making them fun and pleasurable again.

I have more things that are begging for my attention, but this week I’ll just focus on going to work grateful and feeling like I’m enough, and getting my recovery back on track, because my recovery needs to come first if I want to actually enjoy this beautiful life I’ve given.

I am not making any promises about posting tomorrow or next week, but I’ll just tell you that I also need to reflect a bit on the way I manage my finances and about my social social.

Today I don’t have much time to write something elaborate, so I’ll keep it simple.

Our superpower is each other. No one can beat someone with a healthy support system, specially one that has good people at its core.

I’ve been building that support system in these last few months, and I’m now a much better, capable and happy person.

I love good deep conversations with people who are interesting and interested. I user to chase the attention of cool people who were just basic and « un-curious » about other people and the world in general.

This is a thank you note to all of those lame and messy people who remind me of who I am when I, myself, forget about that! I love you ❤️

Most of us think that there is only one major valuable resource in life- money. It makes sense since the whole world, so it seems, revolves around it.

But, a few months ago, I came to the realization that there are 3 really big means to achieve our ends: time, energy, and then money. And I really believe that if you look at how you are spending these resources, you can get a good look at where you’re putting your attention.

How are you spending your time? Are you happy and healthy? Are you engaging with people and activities that make you more energized or more tired? Is your money being well-spent? Are you buying things you love? Is all of your money going to impulse purchases?

I would also like to stress the importance of knowing how you’d like to spend and obtain more of these resources. We all know that it’s quite relevant to know how to manage them, and the best management advice I’ve been given was from, believe it or not, a chemistry teacher.

When practicing chemistry exercises, he would tell us to ask essentially 3 questions: 

1. What do I want?

2. What do I need? 

3. What do I have and what do I need to get in order to? After that, what’s the next step? And the next? And the next?

Now you’re probably asking what all of these questions have to do with management, right? Well, I’m not entirely sure... What I am sure about is that asking these question whenever life gets confusing or hard to deal with helps me to get my shit together.

I  would argue that these questions are the foundation to solving any problem or obtaining any goal, even re-focusing your attention to the life you love, want, and need.

So, where do I want my attention to go to and is it going on that direction?

1. What do I want? 

I want to make friends. I want to help people. I want to experience more new and fun things. I want my house to be clean and minimal. I want to continue to recover from my eating disorder. I want to better my personal style. I want to get my finances in order, to get an extra income source and to build my investor’s portfolio. I want to explore writing as a possible career. I want to continue to learn more. I want progress, simplicity, love , and serenity.

2. What do I need?

I think I am going on that direction. The things that are a bit misaligned are the ones related to helping people, and cleaning and decluttering my house. And those are things that just aren’t the next step yet. The next steps are writing consistently, learn about investing, bettering my personal style and building a meditation habit. And for that I need: Tumblr and twitter (writing); books, savings, and an internet connection (investing); a job in a clothing store and information about the topic (personal style); and a time of the day that I can sit calmly and just meditate.

3. What do I have? What do I need?

All of the things I mentioned above...Well, I already have them all so now I just need to continue to be consistent and doing my best. Meditation, however, has been a very hard habit for me to build... So, with meditation, I think I’ll start by sitting at the breakfast table, closing my eyes and just breathe for a minute. 

This where I’m at in life. I’ve been drawing my attention to my recovery and mental being, which have also include activities such as abstaining from sugars, work-out, sharing my feelings with people that I trust, and putting myself more out there. I have been also focusing on my finances, financial stability and freedom, which besides investing and entrepreneurship, it requires me to build an emergency fund, get a good job, and learn to live bellow my means.

Thanks for reading, I’ll be back again this week!

Hoje vou-vos contar um pouco sobre onde estou na vida. 

Sou uma pessoa ambiciosa e que quer abundância em todos os sentidos da palavra, seja financeiro ou espiritual. Eu quero viver a minha vida acreditando que há suficiente, que faço e que consigo fazer o suficiente e, claro, que eu sou suficiente. 

Porém, nestes últimos dias, tenho andado num estado de escassez. Aceitei um trabalho part-time que queria muito, mas, como por vezes esta minha ambição ao encontrar-se com a pressa do meu Ego torna-se num defeito de caráter.  Como assim? Comecei a trabalhar ontem e já estou a exigir mundos e fundos de mim mesma. Estou a exigir mundos e fundos e a exigi-los depressa e bem feitos. Quero-me numa redatora freelance, numa empreendedora, investidora, etc. Tenho de começar agora, quero estar mais à frente do que estou agora em seis meses. Esse tipo de coisas, sabem? Nunca foram assim tão duros convosco mesmos?

Esta exigência e pressa toda levam-me a querer dizer a mim mesma o seguinte:

Calma, Marta! 

Não há pressa! Primeiro o que está primeiro...

Sente o devagar, sente o momento. “Glory days”, lembras-te?

Não começaste este trabalho porque querias melhorar o teu estilo pessoal, imagem corporal e confiança. Começa por aí então - pelo que está à tua frente! Foca-te nisso nestes primeiros meses e nos próximos meses consolida só esses conhecimentos e evolução!”

Aprende a cuidar da tua pele. Aprende a não abusar das lentes para estimares os teus olhos. Aprende a fazer uma maquilhagem que te agrade e reflita quem és. Perda aquele peso que queres perder há tanto tempo, porque agora tens mais hipóteses de conseguir sendo que já fizeste tanto trabalho com a tua recuperação. Compra jeans de qualidade. Compra calçado de qualidade. Devagar...

Até podes ir identificando que mais queres ou não queres e podes ir tomando ações pequenas para desenvolveres isso que queres ou desfazeres isso que não queres. Repito, devagar... Aproveita! Para. Reflete. Agradece. Sente.

So here we are again...June 29th, my birthday.

You know, I don’t really like my birthday. Well, you probably got that from the title... And here’s the thing I don’t really know why, what I know is that it is an extremely stressful day that I dread for weeks. 

Seriously, the month of June barely starts and I already have that date in the back of my mind. Watching my decisions. Pressuring me to make good decisions and to make them quickly. 

It reminds of the concept of “death anxiety” that Irvin Yalom talks about in his book “Staring at the Sun: overcoming the terror of death” Yup, I read that book! My therapist recommended me that book!

You see, my birthday is right in the middle of the year, after those first six months, which means half of the year is gone and there’s still half of the year to come. But stay with me, because that’s not the part that causes me death anxiety...

This is: I still have half of the year to come, and many more opportunities to make my life better, more joyful and wholesome, which is not the life that I have been living. I have those opportunities, and I don’t really feel in control of my life. 

After 5 years of dealing with my eating disorder (Binge Eating Disorder), I’ve learned that, that aggressive “go get it” mentally doesn’t really go with my recovery and it doesn’t really work for me. I feel stuck in my recovery, and stuck in my eating disorder. 

I can’t seem to commit to do the things that I want to do, because I don’t trust myself. I don’t find myself reliable. Five years ago I promised myself I would lose all of the excess weight in one year. It’s true that I lost half of it. Still, I didn’t complete that, and that weights on me, more than I would like to admit. 

And, of course, there were all of those “I won’t ever eat like this again!” promises.

With this said, I guess I’m realizing my birthday is a reflection point in the year; as for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. What have I done up until now? Am I happy with that, and with who I’ve been? What do I want for this next half of the year? 

I hope that as years go by I learn to enjoy my birthday and to celebrate myself and my life. I AM learning to love myself, and I think that loving this date of the year and embracing its existencial component is a big part of that process.

June 29th, 2022

Eu procuro significados.

Eu procuro dinâmicas.

Eu procuro verdades multifacetadas, complexidade.

Eu procuro corações, o núcleo, o indivíduo.

Eu procuro oportunidades para ver as coisas de uma outra perspetiva.

Eu procuro um romance comigo própria.