vie

will anyone ever be there for me? does it matter to anyone if i die? every man for themselves but this life is too lonely.. is there even a point in living and surviving this world on my own? i love all of those that i can safely refer as my friend, but are they really my friends? will they be there for me no matter what happens in the future and regardless of what kind of societal title i have? i am sick of everything. i need to improve myself to be more useful of a person to those that i care about, but nothing seems to be going the way i want it to. i want someone out there to wholeheartedly hear me out and understand me but that is not possible. this paragraph makes no sense whatsoever but it is everything on my mind right now in its rawest form. basically i hope i can be at a happy place in life soon where i am who i want myself to be...

진짜 죽고싶다. 학교가 너무 싫어. 학업에 집중하기가 너무 힘들어.

지금까지는 누군가를 사귀고 싶지 않았던 이유가 순수한 사랑을 그것을 받을만한 자격이 있는 사람이랑 하고 싶어서 였다. 하지만 최근들어서 나 자신이 그런 사랑을 그 의 완전체로 줄수 있는 사람인지 모르겠다. 그런 사랑을 줄수도 없으면서 뭔 자만감으로 그런 생각을 가지고 있었는지 모르겠다.

요즘 너무 심통이 나 있는 것 같다. 이런 나 자신이 싫다!

i actually did not, and still do not think that he is a loser or weird. i didn't know him for long but from my limited observation on him, he is a straightforward, kindhearted guy that is a bit immature at times. i found his awkwardness to be cute and i enjoyed talking to him despite the pauses in conversation here and there. but the small pieces of him that bothered me were actually my problem. at the time, i did not realise what it was, but after giving it a good thought, i figured it was because i saw bits and pieces of Adrian that traumatised me. but the root cause of the trauma probably goes further back in times than Adrian. i have yet to figure out where it stems from, but hopefully someday i will get to it and fix it for good.