Steps for disclosing you were an abuser/rapist in the past:
Since apparently people are terrible and i cant trust that there aren't more abusers and rapists in my life, this is needed.
Steps for disclosing you were an abuser/rapist in the past:
1. Tell person before a close trusting relationship starts. If you think there is any kind of intimacy in your future with this person (emotional/physical), then you have a duty to tell them. You could lose friends and romantic entanglements this way, but they have a right to know and make that decision. NOT disclosing is you taking away their agency and choice.
2. See a therapist/counselor/professional. Dump your abuser/rapist feels on them. Thats what they're there for. DO NOT DUMP YOUR ABUSER/RAPIST FEELZ ON YOUR FRIEND!
2. Write a script with the help of your therapist. Tell the truth. Do not equivocate. Do not minimize. Do not use euphemisms. Do not talk about mitigating life circumstances. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
3. Do say what you have done since then to prevent you from abusing others (therapy, disclosures, restricted contact with certain people or substances, etc.)
4. Take full responsibility for what you did and ALL of the consequences
5. Do not ever say you were punished, therefore its ok. Do not ever COMPLAIN about w/e paltry punishment you received.
6. Tell the friend that it is up to them whether they want to continue a relationship. Do not attempt contact with them again until they have responded saying they wish to remain in contact.
7. DO NOT EVER DUMP YOUR SAD FEELS ON YOUR FRIEND. This is what your therapist is for. Ifyou donthave one. Keep a journal.
8. Disclosing this information is not for your benefit. It is for the safety of everyone who chooses to be around you.we have a right to know. We have a right to decide not to know you anymore.
9. Disclosing is not for your benefit. It is not there for you to get closure or to be forgiven. You cannot ask for forgiveness from the people you disclose. Only those you harmed cab give you that. And only if they choose. Do not contact past victims in a search for forgiveness.
10. This is not a confession. Do not treat it as such. Confessions come with a plea for forgiveness. Confessions come with a path to salvation/redemption. Your friends cannot give that to you. It is not their responsibility to absolve you. Do not use this as a confession.
11. Do not claim you have changed. Do not try to day you are rehabilitated or a new person. That's not up to you to decide.
I'm not saying that following these steps will guarantee that you wont lose friends. You will lose friends. And it will hurt. But again, your abuser/rapist feelings are not the ones that matter.
These steps should be followed so that you can begin to mitigate the damage you have caused and to prevent future damage. These steps are not here so you can follow them and then feel good about yourself.
Also, for the love of everything, DO NOT JOIN GROUPS DESIGNATED FOR SURVIVORS OF RAPE/CSA/SEXUAL ASSAULT! THAT IS PREDATORY!
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