Iām so sorry everyone, but I just canāt do this anymore. School, theatre, writing, it all demands so much of my time. Hell, Iām trying to write plays and audition and I just canāt anymore.
Recently listening to Hamilton has just made me feel helpless, made me cry, and not in a good way. I just canātā¦I canāt shake the worthless feeling anymore, no matter how much I try to ignore it.
I love Hamilton, itās amazing and it brought my spirit so high before but I canāt handle it anymore. It hurts to realize that there are people so talented when Iāll never be anything, never do anything, never be the actress I want to be.
Hell, I cried watching Moana because she was so young but so talented and she had what I wanted but could never find.
I canāt keep doing this when it hurts so much. And Iām sorry, I really am, but when it makes me want to tear open my thighs again I know I have to stop.
Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, but I canāt keep doing this. You all mean so much to me butā¦when thinking about this hurts the way it does, I canāt.
Because Iām trying. But it all came to a head when I auditioned and the directors were just sitting in the back of the theater and the pianist was playing the song and I couldnāt remember the words, I froze up. I never freeze up on stage, acting is where I belong, the stage is the only place I feel at home, the only place I belong. But I couldnāt do it.
The whole walk home, I thought about my future. My plans to go to live in New York, audition for plays and she centrally Broadway. My hopes of becoming an actress, of finishing one of the fucking plays I write and maybe having people enjoy it.
I donātā¦I donāt usually cry but I couldnāt take it anymore. This life, every dream I ever fucking had, the only thing that made me happy was vanishing.
Because itās hard to be in theater. Itās incredibly hard to be an actress. But I realized then that I wasnāt talented like I thought, Iām average. And average doesnāt cut it.
So thank you, but I just canāt do this anymore.