EMOTIONS

Seriously. So many emotions.

He loves holding you close to him, just to remind himself you’re there. Whether that’s when he’s snuggling you or when he’s writing. So much contact. Even non-sexually.

Kisses. So many kisses. Gentle, loving kisses. Soft neck kisses. Nose kisses. Forehead kisses. Needy kisses. This boi knows how to use his mouth.

Lonely nights. He tries not to, but he can get wrapped up in his own world sometimes and forget to come to bed. Or to eat. Or to shower.

Reminding this man to take care of himself, because he isn’t going to remember.

Social. Galas. He has to keep his position in society and his job, so you’re both attending parties and work parties and social parties and charity balls-he needs his ego.

Love letters. You would receive SO MANY love letters. So. Many.

See, this is why I left. If you don’t like me, don’t fucking follow me. And yeah, I’m not as good as @secretschuylersister @manuelmiranduh @imagineham (to name a few) but whatever. I write what I want when I want. I’ve kinda become zen after a bit of anon hate (I’m assuming you’re the same cowardly idiot who won’t show your face). 

Hamilton

you guys

my friends

the night

Since it’s my birthday tomorrow, I decided to give a present to you guys...

I’ll come back. I can promise you I’ll be back. I won’t be on here as often, but when I can I’ll respond to asks and post stories. 

I miss you guys. I miss my tumblr friends, I miss the mini minutemen. (even though I got a shit ton of followers when I left. What was that about?)

The stories might be different, but I’m going to start writing what I want to now. I’ll still take requests, but from now on, that’s what they are. Requests. Ideas for stories I might write.

But I’ll be back, guys. 

I’m so sorry everyone, but I just can’t do this anymore. School, theatre, writing, it all demands so much of my time. Hell, I’m trying to write plays and audition and I just can’t anymore.

Recently listening to Hamilton has just made me feel helpless, made me cry, and not in a good way. I just can’t…I can’t shake the worthless feeling anymore, no matter how much I try to ignore it.

I love Hamilton, it’s amazing and it brought my spirit so high before but I can’t handle it anymore. It hurts to realize that there are people so talented when I’ll never be anything, never do anything, never be the actress I want to be.

Hell, I cried watching Moana because she was so young but so talented and she had what I wanted but could never find.

I can’t keep doing this when it hurts so much. And I’m sorry, I really am, but when it makes me want to tear open my thighs again I know I have to stop.

Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, but I can’t keep doing this. You all mean so much to me but…when thinking about this hurts the way it does, I can’t.

Because I’m trying. But it all came to a head when I auditioned and the directors were just sitting in the back of the theater and the pianist was playing the song and I couldn’t remember the words, I froze up. I never freeze up on stage, acting is where I belong, the stage is the only place I feel at home, the only place I belong. But I couldn’t do it.

The whole walk home, I thought about my future. My plans to go to live in New York, audition for plays and she centrally Broadway. My hopes of becoming an actress, of finishing one of the fucking plays I write and maybe having people enjoy it.

I don’t…I don’t usually cry but I couldn’t take it anymore. This life, every dream I ever fucking had, the only thing that made me happy was vanishing.

Because it’s hard to be in theater. It’s incredibly hard to be an actress. But I realized then that I wasn’t talented like I thought, I’m average. And average doesn’t cut it.

So thank you, but I just can’t do this anymore.