istg I'm not a bot I just had all of these headcanons in my notes app forever and finally ripped off the bandaid (also I really fucking need that gif of Ilya being a menace on the ice please hepp)
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istg I'm not a bot I just had all of these headcanons in my notes app forever and finally ripped off the bandaid (also I really fucking need that gif of Ilya being a menace on the ice please hepp)

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Have we considered that Shane’s yoga is just Advanced Floor Time? How many times has he finished his yoga routine with Savasana (Corpse Pose) and just fallen asleep on the floor? How many times has Ilya walked in on his husband just asleep on the floor? How many times has Ilya just stood and stared at him like a fucking idiot in love? Does he decide to only wake Shane up if there’s a schedule and let him sleep on days off? Has he ever walked in on Shane sleeping on the floor and just gone “fuck yeah cuddles” and they just fucking sleep on the floor together like Man and Weighted Blanket? I think they have.
Headcanon that Ilya tries to change his last name to Hollander, but for administrative and branding purposes, he is discouraged from doing so. Like first, he changes all of his social media to Ilya Hollander after their wedding, but not half an hour later, Yuna calls him and tells him to change it back otherwise his “SEO will tank” whatever that means (which rude, btw. He thought Yuna would be happy for them) so then he’s like “fine I will not change it on social media but I will change it legally” so he tries to do that too but when he tells the Centaurs office he’s going to change it, their administration is literally like “PLEASE for the love of god No. We do not want a repeat of the Three Smith’s roster” and he’s like “???? It’s just two people with the same last name??” and they’re like Do. Not. Do. It. and he’s all fucking pouty about it like “don’t tell me what to do >:(” but THEN he tells Shane and Shane is also like “babe I know where you’re coming from and I love you so much and you being mad about this is extremely hot and sexy but they have a point. I think you need to keep your last name” and finally Ilya is like “>:(((( okay fine >>>>:(((( I will keep Rozanov (((((“
Minutes later, all of his display names are changed to Ilya Hollander-Rozanov. They do not change back.
Imagine Shane laying his head on Ilya’s chest while they’re watching something together and Ilya moves around a bit which causes his necklace to drape over Shane’s face, but instead of moving it, Shane kisses the little cross absentmindedly, and Ilya starts tearing up because that’s his mom :( his bf just gave his mom a little kiss
After so many years being the ambassador to a bunch of many brands, Shane ends up with a surprising number of modeling associates/kinda friends. Some because he got adopted by extroverts. Others are fellow wallflowers who he just ended up gravitating towards. Then a few that Rose connected him with, most of whom are gay. One day, Ilya accompanies him to some big event because Shane’s obligated to attend and he would rather die than go alone now that he can drag Ilya around (yay!) but when they arrive, Ilya realizes with abject horror that Shane actually knows a LOT of really hot men and so jealous Ilya just fucking seethes behind him for three hours.
(Meanwhile Shane gets to show off his smoking hot husband all night and all of his model friends are jealous as FUCK and it is hands down his favorite event he’s ever gone to. He asks Ilya to go to another one and Ilya cannot say no. It is literal torture.)

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Autistic Shane has echolalia which is why he likes to randomly switch to a Russian accent and repeat back all the little Russian phrases and accented words Ilya says. At first, Ilya thinks he’s making fun of him like some weird form of chirping, but he eventually realizes Shane is just Like That TM (being his cutie patootie self.)
Shane: *sounds progressively more Russian during a conversation*
Ilya, thinking Shane’s making fun of him: that fucking asshole?
Ilya: neveroyatnyy
Shane, whispering in a perfect Russian accent: ✨neveroyatnyy✨
Ilya, clearly wasn’t supposed to hear that: ????!!
Ilya drops several Russian curses while they fuck once, and Shane just moans them right back. (Maybe Ilya fucks Shane three ways to Sunday afterward, and maybe he starts speaking Russian more during sex, but that is NO ONE’S business!)
Shane speaking to JJ during warm-ups: *unconsciously copying his accent*
Ilya, eavesdropping: No, that’s our thing >:(
Shane has genuine difficulty staying quiet and not echoing when Ilya gives his monologue over the phone, but he thinks it would upset Ilya if he did. (And Ilya will never admit it, but each time he said “I love you” in Russian, he hoped Shane would say it back in his little echo, even if he knew Shane didn’t mean it. (He would.))
Shane in the hospital, high as a kite, in a Russian accent: bye bye :)
Ilya, heart eyes 15000%: fuck this, fuck you, nurse I am having heart attack
This is also why Ilya believes Shane could learn Russian in two weeks because SOMEHOW (with his echolalia) Shane is really good at replicating the proper pronunciation.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A GIF OF ILYA PLAYING FOR BOSTON AND CHECKING THAT OPPOSING PLAYER SUPER HARD PLEASE I NEED IT FOR MY AO3 FIC
i need troy and harris to be played by NOBODIES . i need to have never seen them before in my life. i dont care if they keep the same hair colors or the same eye colors or any of that.
they better look 25, harris better be stocky and thick and hairy and troy better have the greatest resting bitch face of all time. amen
How am I supposed to convince people that my obsession with Disney World isn’t because I’m a Disney adult but because I was cursed with theme park autism by my father who, in consequence, knows ever single fact imaginable about the history and construction of Walt Disney World? How do I convey to a Normal Person that no, Disney is not a good company right now because it would rather cut corners for a quick buck than put their billions into real artistry right now, but YES, Disney World is still an incredible feat of engineering and theme park innovations? How could an allistic person possibly understand that I don’t give a shit about collecting ears or pins or popcorn buckets, but I DID create a 73-slide PowerPoint detailing exactly why they need to create a fifth park, what its theme and general layout would be, ideas for over 20 rides, possible eateries, stores, and shows all because my dad and I wanted to pass the time while in line for Rise of the Resistance? How on earth do I convey this without sounding like a Disney adult?
if ur writing modern au httyd fics i do not want to see toothless as a house cat i need hiccup to be the weirdo who somehow has a pet panther and everyone is equally as surprised by this as they are by the dragon
I offer the option of an extremely rare snake breed that scares the fuck out of house guests (why does it look like it’s smiling, why is IT SMILING HOW IS IT DOING THAT—) and Hiccup is always wearing it around like a scarf and wrapped beneath his shirts and hoodies. The thing is some kind of constrictor, VERY STRONG. It has a habit of knocking Hiccup over using its sheer mass when it’s attention starved, which strikes fear into everyone around him but Hiccup calls it “cute.” (What the fuck?) It has free rein around the house, and it has a little bald spot where it can’t grow scales so Hiccup made him a little patch with silly doodles on it to “keep him warm.” The godforsaken thing has a lot of teeth for something called toothless. No one knows why Hiccup called it that (it’s laughing!! It’s laughing. How does it do that? I swear to god it’s laughing at me, Hiccup) and Hiccup keeps all of its sheds on his desk like cute little keepsakes :) they’re all seven feet long. Longer than hiccup is tall. and they’re terrifying

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I love how the live action movie highlighted for me just how fucking insane Hiccup’s secret was to outsiders.
Like imagine you’re training for some kind of self defense/extermination course because your town has a huge reptile problem. People die from deadly snake and lizard infestations every single day and there’s this one guy who’s dad is the head exterminator but the kid is just such a pain. Like nepo baby to the fucking max. He fucks up their pest control work all the time, makes his mistakes everyone else’s problems, and can’t even say thank you to the people who help him not die because he’s such a whiny little brat about it!! And he has the gall to say shit like “oh yeah I can actually kill a Black Mamba single-handedly.”
Now SOMEHOW he gets the honor of training for their extermination team, right? (Clearly only because of his dad.) It’s a huge badge of pride to most people, and he doesn’t even take that seriously! Everyone else is throwing themselves into the work, already having studied the dangers and safety measures required to handle the deadly venomous snakes and lizards, and he apparently never read the fucking textbook?! He’s not even paying attention, nearly getting himself killed, asking the dumbest questions every day, and then he just runs off the moment class is over like he doesn’t even want to be there.
But THEN halfway through training he’s suddenly just inventing shit on his own and it’s working???? Like he’s still completely disregarding their rules and safety protocol, doesn’t even wear gloves when handling venomous reptiles, but he’s just casually wiping the floor with their asses and he offers no explanation whatsoever. He still doesn’t want to be there. And everyone’s so confused as to how that happened, right? A lot of people are reconsidering their own methods, thinking this could be a new era for their small town’s extermination efforts, but he seems so dismissive and even bothered by the idea?
Only to learn he’s been domesticating a Black Mamba in his spare time!!!! AND HE GIVES IT SCRITCHES
And his reasoning? “Well, personally, I think they make good house pets.”
Idk how to explain it properly but I just love the concept of them domesticating the Void
John and Bob core
boblena this. voidwalker that. actually the thunderbolts are poly or none of them are together take it or leave it
I’m super busy these next few weeks but I have so many drafts and I don’t know what I should finish first:
Bob Headcanons Pt. 2
John Walker Has Anxiety (AO3 fic)
John Walker Being Autistic As Fuck (mini character study)
Thunderbolts* as Iconic Vines
Bob and Physical Touch headcanons
Anyone have thoughts or preferences?

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Newly discovered gay man John Walker misunderstanding queer terminology trying to compliment Bob's new fit: You're such a cunt.
Bodyguard: Sir, I don’t care if you’re one of the New Avengerz. The Met Gala is a closed private event.
Alexei, wearing his costume doused in glitter: *sliding him a $20* Will this convince you?
Cop: Sir—
Yelena: Just tase him, please.