M. Nicole

So, here we go again with a huge span of time that I went without saying a word; and needless to say there has been a ton of drama in my life since. (Who would I be if there weren’t unwanted, extremely improbable amounts of insane drama attached to me?!) Anyway, I suppose I will start with an update.

The last thing I posted was a depressed expression of how Ethan left me feeling when he broke up with me without even having a real reason. Hmm... not too long after that I lost my job at Everi, had to move back in with Josh, got a new job at the casino, worked at Walmart, did a fuckton of stupid shit, ... okay getting ahead of myself as usual... where was I? Oh, yea, so I was being petty because Ethan was being a dick, so I had Duston contact his SGT and get my external and My Heart. I know it was like really moronically petty and it left me zero reason to contact him other than the little bit of stuff that he had left with me or that I had borrowed from storage. A little after he broke up with me, Duston really tried to help me realize what a fucking idiot I’ve been most of my life and helped me to try to focus on making sure the kids and I are taken care of. (of course I’ve fucked up again since then.. but again.. who would I be if I didn’t?)

Back to what I was saying, when they were on the way back here from across the pond I got a message from Duston that was a photo of the back of Ethan’s head and arm and said “Guess who I got sat by on the ride home?” ... I was like “HIM” lol. Then my heart sank because I knew I would not get to see him or tell him welcome back or anything like that. As a matter of fact the last thing I said was *On Asa’s FB page/photo BTW* Welcome home Ethan. Because Heaven forbid I tell him welcome back to the good ol’ US of A, apparently that was grounds for FB blocking material. I was like are you frickin’ serious? I didn’t do anything awry to this man and this is the treatment I get? I kinda get it now, but when it happened I was even more devastated. I just talked to Chan and he said last he heard he had moved on and was doing good. In some ways I’m extremely happy for him, in others I’m extremely selfish and wish I could kick him in the dick. However, after losing his grandma, a potential niece/nephew, and Asa all within a short span of time right before the anniversary of his older brother’s death, I think he’s had enough heart ache. I really do wish him the best, I just wish he would apologize and that we could have remained in the friend-zone. That would have been fine with me. 

At first it felt like being on top of the world, now you’re left in the cold with no one to hold going over it in your mind a thousand times. What did I do wrong? What did I say to make you go away? Why did you tell me you owed me eternity if you weren’t prepared deliver? How can you miss me yesterday, but not today? How could you ask me to wait, yet you didn’t have the patience? While I sit here and cry, do you even think about me? Do you wonder if I cry alone at night while you live your life full of smiles?

Today was supposed to be a good day. I got off of work, went to the gym for almost 2 hours. Went to get some sushi, then go home and sleep for a little while before the little one gets home from school. But, it just couldn’t go that way could it? I get home and had to fight with my brother. AGAIN. About the same old things. Why can’t we just coexist peacefully. I realize he’s a grown man who needs to get a job and do for himself, but I also know how it is to be where he is right now. Depressed, confused, scared to be alone, bi-polar, angry, full of animosity for the life that we were forced into by shitty parents and our own bad decisions. So, here I am consistently torn between what I should do as a sister and what I should do to help him as a person. I love him and I don’t want to see him suffer, but the only thing that brought me back from the brink of death was a fun little trip to Red Rock. (A mental health facility.) That trip will sober you up real quick. You will realize that you would rather have your freedom than be “locked up” like a prisoner. Told when to eat, when to sleep, watched in the shower if you’re going to shave, everything taken away from you except for a communal phone that you only get a few minutes to talk on a day if someone chooses to call you. It is not a fun experience. Not to mention the food sucks and you are made to take your medicines day and night. I wanted to get out of there so badly I would have done anything. And I did. I faked my way out. “I’m socializing, I’m taking my meds, I’m going to stay with mental health when I get out of here.” Boom, free. But, I did seek counseling afterwards, which was pretty much all I needed in the first place, I was just at a loss and in denial about the effect it would actually have on my life.

Now that I don’t have a counselor, I really wish I did. I just don’t trust anyone like I trusted Elyse. She was the only counselor I’ve ever been able to really open up to. After four years of seeing her, I feel like she left me with a decent amount of coping skills. I still need to work on a lot of things, I mean counseling is not magic, but I am way better than I was back then for sure. I want this for him. I want my brother to be able to get through at least the majority of the days without being sad, thinking people hate him, and just being destructive to himself. It breaks me down, probably more than it does him. Then, on top of all this mess with him, I started to feel sick again. I am not wanting to go back to the doctor. I’m worse than a child, I know. I just want to go a few weeks without feeling like complete garbage. I’ve been doing the “5 positive things a day for a month” that Ethan said I had to do. It has helped. Of course “today” which was mostly before midnight was crappy so I had a lot of trouble coming up with anything. I guess I would say 1. My kids are okay. 2. Ethan seems to be okay, I really don’t know as I haven’t heard from him in about three days. (No news is good news?) 3. I went to the gym again today. I had a good experience there. 4. I got sushi! Cheaper than I normally would have paid for it and it was authentic and fresh made. Thank you Pruitt’s :) 5. I still have a job for now. hahaha. (I forgot Ethan said food doesn’t count.. so I still need one more. I’ll think of something I’m sure.)

So, I got to work last night and a co-worker asked me if I was upset because I missed Ethan and it’s close to Valentine’s Day. I almost started laughing. She wouldn’t understand this, but the whole time I was with Josh I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day. We might go to the store the day after and buy some half priced candy because that’s the kind of person he is. He doesn’t believe in buying things at full price. The more he can get off of it, the more he gets off. So to speak. So, no flowers, no cards, no jewelry, no candy, no clothes, nothing. I think it’s safe to say that not getting anything from Ethan or being able to be with him on V-Day will not phase me in the least. If you don’t expect anything, then you can’t be disappointed right? I would be happy just to get a message saying he’s okay. That would be the greatest gift I could get this year. He did ask me about a month ago what my favorite flower was, so maybe I’ll get a letter with some roses on it or something. That would be sweet and I would very much cherish it para siempre.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off of my chest. I know no one reads my blogs so this is the perfect place to let my feelings out without dumping everything on Ethan, Karina, or Nick. Anyone who does so happen to read this, I hope you have a wonderful day.

     All I want on days like this is for my head, my heart, and my body to gain perfect alignment and allow me to feel whole. That is even harder for me to do now than it was before.

     I gave my heart to someone who has flown thousands of miles away to fulfill his dream of being in the Army to serve a purpose that is greater than himself. If you ever met him, you would know that even without the military, he lives to be of service to others. He’s always willing to help; wanting to make everyone elses’ lives to be full of joy. I just want to repay him for all that he’s done. Not just for me, but for everyone around him. I can’t give him anything but love, but I will never stop striving to give him everything he needs and deserves, just like he does for everyone else. He’s my rock, my motivation, my world. I can hardly wait to see him again. I feel as if I’m going to fall to pieces before he makes it back. Especially during these times where he’s not communicating how he’s feeling or what he’s doing. I know some things can’t be said, but other things can. I wait patiently day by day hoping and praying that his feelings will not change for me. Or that when he comes home he won’t want someone who is more than what I am. (More ambitious, beautiful, disciplined, just more...)       

     Because of some of the discussions we’ve had I try very hard not to think this way and the majority of the time I’m okay. I think, “he wants me the way I am.” Other times, like now, I think; “He’s going to get here and be very disappointed.” I don’t want to disappoint him, I just know myself. I want to change and to grow, and I hope that he will still be willing to stand by my side while I go through this very long, strenuous, nearly impossible task. I say that t’s nearly impossible because I have so many issues: PTSD, Chronic Depression, and a serious Anxiety problem. I wish I didn’t have these things to deal with. (Especially due to the way it has affected my children. They deserve so much more, so much better. I try every day to be better than the day before. Sometimes I fail. I do my best not to beat myself up on those days, it’s just difficult not to when you know you want to do better and you can’t seem to get it right.)